Kidd Kraddick Remix

AWKWARD MOMENT OF THE DAY

Kellie slamming Audrina from The Hills in front of Ryan Cabrera

Big Al asking The Veronicas if Natasha Bedingfield has the best butt ever

BEHIND THE SCENES AWKWARD ANDREW MOMENT

Lenka borrowed Andrew’s “poop pass” – only I don’t think she had to poop – she just didn’t want to use the public potty!

BIG AL’S POINTLESS STORY OF THE DAY

ok – so it’s not exactly a story – but can someone tell me why Big Al would get the guys in the Geek Room this for Christmas?

That’s right, Big Al bought the boys boxers – but at least they’re from Neiman Marcus – right????

ME ME ME MOMENT OF THE DAY

Came from Big Al – Al sang Kidd a song to tell him about his gift – he is sending Kidd to Augusta to the Masters Golf Tournament on a private plane

OOGEY MOMENT OF THE DAY

Big Al going on and on about how hot the 21 year old BC Jean is

WIKIPEDIA MISINFORMATION

Perry Como is NOT related to BC Jean

The Veronicas are the nieces of The Bee Gees

THINGS YOU MIGHT HEAR ON TODAY’S SHOW

Kellie wore her shirt as a dress last year

Big Al is a thug and dressed like an elf

J Si is coaching kid’s basketball but he’s never played and doesn’t know the rules

Shanon got the frantic call when her sister went into labor last night and she’s an aunt again!

Kidd is concerned that every person he complimented yesterday responded with “I KNOW!!”

THE MOST ANNOYING TOY EVER

Kellie’s friend Shanda got Emma Kelly the Munchkin Cheerleader Doll for Christmas – and while Emma Kelly loves it – Kellie has deemed it The Most Annoying Toy Ever – and with it screeching out these cheers in an irritating Southern accent, who wouldn’t love it??

“Munchkins say howdy do
We are here to cheer for you
Yeahaw woohoo”

“I stomp my feet
I move it to the beat
I turn around
I touch the ground
I wiggle it
just a little bit”

“We’re number one
We can’t be number two
Cause we’re going to beat the whoopies out of you
The whoopies out of you”

HIZZLE

Benji Madden is dating Britney Spears

Souljah Boy is going to stop cussing in his music

Angie Harmon had a baby girl

Jeremy Piven has mercury poisoning

BIG AL’S BIRTHDAY SUIT

Today is Big Al’s birthday – but that didn’t get him a pass from wearing the Effeminate Elf suit

But to be honest, I think he enjoyed it

6:40AM – THE EXACT TIME WHERE WE LOST KELLIE RASBERRY

“Kellie, you look The Souljah Boy story led into a discussion about replacing cuss words with other words – which led Kidd and Al to dogpile on Kellie – of course this was after Kidd started the show by telling Kellie that she was grumpy even though she wasn’t …

“Kellie, you look like ’ship’ this morning” – Kidd

“Kellie, you look like ‘hippopotamus’ this morning” – Al

“Kellie, you are such a ‘hope’” – Kidd

Good looking out guys – or not …

THEY GOT 5 ON IT

We checked in with Robert, the family from this year’s “Breaking And Entering Christmas”, to see how the day went yesterday and he was still just as excited and happy as he was yesterday – he said his phone rang off the hook yesterday and he heard from people he hasn’t talked to in a while – he has also received tons of job leads and Kidd told him that we’ve gotten over 100 job offers here at the studio that we’re going to pass on to him – yesterday we found out that Robert is pretty far behind on bills having been out of work, but today we found out exactly how much – $14,000 – and thanks to Kidd’s friends, all of the debt has been paid – and that’s when Robert lost it –  full on crying – and I think everyone did too!  He is now going into 2009, completely debt free, 6 months of free daycare and well over 100 job opportunities – what a great Christmas for him – and it couldn’t have happened to a more deserving (or more grateful) family!

BC JEAN LIVE IN STUDIO

She sang “Narcissistic Boys” and “If I Were A Boy” while Ryan Cabrera (who hates to rehearse) played the guitar for her

and we learned a couple of other things about them

She wrote the song with Toby Gatt

She says it’s weird to hear Beyonce (or anyone else) sing her song

She’s glad Beyonce recorded “If I Were A Boy” because it helped her get a record deal

Her record deal is in the works and should sign the final papers soon

“If I Were A Boy” and “Narcissistic Boys” are about the same guy

RYAN CABRERA LIVE IN STUDIO

Ryan performed “On The Way Down” and “Enemies” and learned a few things about him

The song “Enemies” is about a girl cheating on him

He says he is “just friends” with Audrina from The Hills

Ryan loves karaoke and totally gets into it with wigs and costumes

His favorite karaoke song to sing is “Livin’ On A Prayer” by Bon Jovi or “Jump Jump”by Kris Kross

THE VERONICAS LIVE IN STUDIO (My personal favorite performance of the day!!)

Lisa and Veronica performed “Untouched” and “This Love” – and we learned a couple of other things about them

Lisa and Veronica are twins and today is their birthday

They stayed in the States to do our show and are headed back to Australia tonight

Melbourne is not pronounced “Mel-born” – it’s “mel-bun”

If you want to talk with an Australian, either speak really lazily or really drunk

They toured with Natasha Bedingfield and Hanson

They switched tests when they were in high school but had the same answers so it didn’t really help them!

LENKA LIVE IN STUDIO

Performed “The Show” and if you’re wondering where you’ve heard the song, it was featured on Ugly Betty and in an Old Navy commercial

She got her start because she wanted to get her ears pierced

Her parents bribed her to learn piano by letting her get her ears pierced

Lenka is starting a headline tour in January

She was surprised to find out that when you’re the iTunes song of the week, they give away the song free

She’s going to the Yucatan Peninsula and Al wants her to come to the Beer Bucket

SHOWBIZ TOP 5

#5 – One of David Copperfield’s assistant broke his arm in a magic trick gone wrong

#4 – Oprah is looking for a home in D.C. to be close to Barack Obama

#3 – Eddie Murphy will NOT be The Riddler in the new Batman movie

#2 – Beyonce has a cheap $5,000 fake engagement ring that she wears in public instead of the $5 million dollar real one

#1 – Benji Madden and Britney Spears are dating

GYM CLASS HEROES LIVE IN STUDIO

They performed “Take A Look At My Girlfriend” and “Cookie Jar”

Travi says his job as Bronx’ godfather is to spoil the heck out of him and babysit

He says he is really good with children and taught art at the Boys and Girls Club for a few years

Travi got a huge laugh when he referred to Al’s “Jingle Balls” in his Effeminate Elf costume

Travi has 2 flat screen TVs – I bet you’re shocked to find that out!

He’s going to Cabo with Katy and her family for Christmas

Travi brought Kidd a CD of unreleased Gym Class Heroes music that no one has

And that’s all folks!!  Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year and I’ll see you on January 5^th!!!

Today’s show was all about Breaking and Entering – one of the coolest things we do – make sure you check out kiddlive.com so you can listen to it on the kPod and watch the video – and make sure you have your Kleenex on hand – you’re going to need it!

HIZZLE

Are Heidi and Spencer married or not?

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have been seen without their wedding rings

Eddie Murphy and Shia LeBeouf will star in the next Batman movie

Akon has pled guilty in the kid-tossing incident

BREAKING AND ENTERING CHRISTMAS

If you’re a new listener, Breaking and Entering is our big Christmas bit – it’s the biggest Christmas Wish that we grant and we send all and his friends (all reformed thugs) to break into the home of a family that’s in need of some help but would never ask for it – this year’s family was a family of five men – the dad Robert is a single dad who recently split from his wife – Robert was very diplomatic and reluctant to say anything negative about his ex, but I got the feeling that for whatever reason, she isn’t very involved any more – shortly after Robert and his wife split up, Robert lost his job – so he’s a single dad of 4 boys and has no income – Robert is former military and you’d think he’d be able to find a job (even in this economy) but because he doesn’t have anyone to watch the 2 youngest boys (ages 3 and 4), he isn’t able to go on job interviews – funds are really tight – they are dangerously close to having the power turned off and their car repossessed – and they can’t even afford to have the heat on full time, so they’ve been gathering together in the living room around the fireplace to keep warm – so we decided to send Big Al to break in to Robert’s house and spread a little holiday cheer – Robert’s friend Jason helped us out by luring Robert and the boys to the local McDonald’s for a meeting with their pastor – while the family was at breakfast, Al and his crew decorated the house with a Christmas tree and lots of presents – there were bikes, skateboards and sports equipment – new clothes and shoes for the boys – Foot Locker even donated brand new Jordans for all of them – we had a lot of toys donated from listeners but Kidd, Kellie, Al and J Si went shopping the night before to fill in the gaps – don’t tell anyone, but I think they had more fun than Robert’s family – a little birdie told me that Kidd and J Si went a little crazy in the Transformer aisle!  Just as we got everything in place, the family arrived and walked into their house to see the place completely decorated and hear Al and his crew singing Christmas carols – talk about surprised – Robert was practically speechless and the kids were pumped – especially the 2 younger kids – I know Christmas is about the birth of Jesus, but it’s hard to explain to a 3 and 4 year old why everyone else is getting presents from Santa and you don’t even have a tree – the boys were pumped about their toys and the older boys (13 and 14) were excited too – they got a PlayStation 3 and a couple of games and I heard that when the little boys were having trouble opening some of their gifts, the older ones immediately stopped what they were doing to help them – talk about a family that sticks together!   we talked to Robert and found out that he had been in the Army for 6 years and stationed in Germany, Iraq, Kuwait and Afghanistan – he’s looking for work but it’s been difficult because of the daycare situation – but Cornerstone private school stepped up to offer him 6 months of free day care to help him search for a job – and we had a few phone calls from people who thought they might be able to help him out with a job – we’re really lucky that we have such great listeners – we didn’t find this family until Tuesday and in just 2 days, our listeners trusted us enough to jump in and help out without asking any questions – Robert was so thankful that he got a little choked up – it’s tough to be unemployed or suffering financial problems or to be a single parent or to have 5 kids – but when you have all of those things going on at the same time – well, you can just imagine – but thankfully his friend Jason was there to tell us about him and with y’alls help, those kids will have a merry Christmas!

HIGHLIGHT

When we left off yesterday, Dr. Booty was willing to do anything to make Kellie his – when we started today, Kellie was on the operating table and Dr. Booty was about to start the surgery when he decided to clear the room – Dr. Ivan backed him up even though he had no idea what Dr. Booty had planned – when everyone left, Dr. Booty confronted Dr. Ivan and told him that he knew about the night that Dr. Ivan seduced Kellie – in one swift motion, Dr. Booty had Dr, Ivan posted up with a knife to his neck – Dr. Booty also knew that Dr, Ivan was the one who had attacked Kellie all those years ago in Prague – there was a struggle and Dr, Booty basically gutted Dr. Ivan because he knew he would betray Dr. Booty again if given the chance – Dr. Booty then carried Kellie out of the O.R. and took her to his home – when Kellie woke up, she realized that she wasn’t in the recovery room – Kellie walked over to Dr. Booty and thanked him for saving him, but as she reached up to kiss him she revealed her vampires teeth and sunk them into his neck, draining all of his blood – as he slumped to the floor, in walked her true love … Dr. Ivan – apparently, a scalpel was not enough to kill Dr. Ivan – to truly kill a vampire, you have to use a wooden stake …

Opinions?  Personally – I’m confused – when did Kellie become a vampire?  Was she always a vampiress?  Or did it happen the night she slept with Dr. Ivan?   I’m confused … but Ross said, “It’s brilliant – New York Times Best Seller” – and Armydude24 said “it could have been better but not bad” – OrbitalBlowout “can’t wait for the movie” – and Lucy said “at least it’s over” and Abbeym32 agreed

SHOWBIZ TOP 5

#5 – Akon pleaded guilty to harassment for the fan tossing incident

#4 – Angelina Jolie has drawn up a $200 million prenup and are close to getting married

#3 – Eddie Murphy, Shia LeBeouf and Rachel Wiesz are all set to star in the next Batman movie

#2 – Katy Perry says she and Travi are NOT engaged

#1 – Spencer and Heidi may or may not be legally married

PETE WENTZ PHONER

The no-sleep thing sucks but being a dad is awesome

Ashlee is laid back and wasn’t mad at him for telling all their sex life business on the Howard Stern show

He and Ashlee picked Travi to be Bronx’s godfather because it was going to be good for Travi

He threw up blood after the New York show and is afraid to go to the doctor

Said Gabe from Cobra Starship is doing well after his vocal cord surgery

THE RETURN OF THE HAPPY COUPLE

Phone Screener Jenna has jumped into The Happy Couple with J Si who went Christmas shopping – for some reason, J Si felt the need to trick up the bit a little and decided to play a character – Jared – like Jared but pronounced Juh-RED – the scenario was that Jenna was buying shoes for her ex-boyfriend and she didn’t want J Si to know, so she talks the sales guy into helping her – of course, the bit is to turn it on the sales guy – so once Ja-red figures out that the shoes are for Jenna’s ex, J Si turns on the fake waterworks and asks how the sales guy could do him like that – then Jenna accused the sales guy of giving her the idea – then after J Si got a little too close hugging it out with the sales guy, they revealed the bit – for a first outing, it was okay – J Si crying was the funniest part – I think Minty called it, “OMG he’s crying – way to be a baby, ‘hood’ Ja Red!!”

TWITTER MUCH??

Kidd told Kellie that she HAD to get a Twitter account – because ALL the cool kids have Twitter – it went something like this …

“Kellie, you need to get Twitter” – Kidd

“Why do I need to do this?” – Kellie

“‘Oh Kellie you’re so stupid – you don’t even know what Twitter is’” – he twittered once” – Kellie

“Well people are like staking me” – Kidd

“People aren’t stalking you – you haven’t even done anything to stalk – ‘I’m going to Washington DC to save the planet’ and that was the last Twitter you did” – Kellie

“well, maybe I’m going back” – Kidd

Cue the jingle – Kidd Kraddick in the Morning!!!

AWKWARD ANDREW MOMENT

“I don’t want to be a man” – Andrew’s response to Kidd telling him to man up during the Mack Attack

BIG AL’S POINTLESS STORY OF THE DAY

While we were talking about Kellie’s boobie surgery, Al thought it would be a good idea to have Kidd cue the Jeopardy theme song so that he could ask himself, “So big Al – how many breasts have you seen?”

FUNNIEST CONVERSATION OF THE SHOW

“Is the street his property?” – Kidd

“I think the street IS his property” – Andrew

*** talking about the guy who told Al to get the hell off his property during the Mack Attack

KELLIE RASBERRY “IT’S ALL ABOUT ME” MOMENT

Kellie dominated the entire first break with her emotionally charged rave about “The Biggest Loser” finale, the new Ryan Seacrest show “Momma’s Boy” and surprisingly enough, he return of “Lost”

TYPICAL BIG AL

“Your boobs aren’t for you, they’re for us” – Big Al

WHY YOU GOTTA ACT LIKE YOU KNOW WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW

A robot is programmed to specific tasks.  An android has artificial intelligence and is able to respond to external stimuli.  Rosie from The Jetsons was originally going to be an android until the term was banned by the network.  **Insert song here**

THINGS YOU MIGHT HEAR ON TODAY’S SHOW

Kellie spent $29 to mail one package to her grandmother

Big Al says never underestimate how great an apology will make you feel

J Si found out yesterday that Kinsey sold some of his clothes to buy her Christmas party dress

Shanon’s Christmas list has grown to the point that she is completely overwhelmed

HIZZLE

Katy Perry and Travis from Gym Class Heroes are engaged

Fall Out Boy almost got arrested for performing on the streets of New York

Heidi and Spencer were drunk when they got married

Ray J and Whitney Houston are dating even though he’s doing a dating reality show

HIGHLIGHT

When we left off yesterday, we had just found out that Dr. Ivan and Dr. Booty are actually vampires – When we picked up today, Kellie was having a wonderful dream about dancing sausages and the lead singers of bands that quickly morphed into a nightmare filled with trying on Size 2 clothing, being strip searched at the airport because of her married last name and being surrounded by breastfeeding women – but suddenly she found herself being attacked by an unworldly force – someone was yelling at her that he loved her and to run away – it was Dr. Booty!!  when she woke up from her strange dream, she was being transported to the operating room by Dr. Ivan – he was telling her that no one could ever know about their evening together – as Kellie prepared for her surgery, Dr. Booty was also getting prepped and preparing himself to do 3 things – 1. Transform Kellie’s body to the way it was before she was reincarnated 2. Make her “one of them” but not let her know immediately and 3. Eliminate the one obstacle that threatened it all

LOVE LETTERS TO KELLIE

If your ex-girlfriend won’t date you because you still live with your parents, find a new girlfriend that is okay with you being a loser that lives with his parents

If your boyfriend is constantly checking your computer and spying on you, go ahead and stick it out so that you can continue to live a stress filled life and live in fear of being dumped at any time

If you’re still in love with your boyfriend after he hit you and put you in military holds, you need to leave him before you marry him and have kids that he’ll also hit!

If you boyfriend says he won’t forgive you because you told him that you don’t love him anymore in a fit of rage, just ignore it – he would’ve dumped you if he really meant it

If your girlfriend said “give me an engagement ring for Christmas or nothing”, and you can’t afford the ring she wants, then give her nothing!

THAT SMELL IS SO FAMILIAR?  WHAT IS IT?  OH YEAH – FAILURE!!!

We sent Al out on a Mack Attack – the idea was for Al to present himself as an employee of ECHO (the Environmental Conservation of Home Owners) and offer to take down the lights of people who are being un-Eco friendly by using too much electricity – but we didn’t just send him to any neighborhood – we sent him to THE neighborhood – the one with LOTS of colorful Christmas lights and colorful personalities to go along with them – let’s see – there was Al describing one of the houses where he said, “1,2,3,4,5 reindeer in front of the home – not real reindeer” – um, Al – does anyone have real reindeer in front of their house?  Then there was Austin singing Christmas carols WAY too loudly and repeatedly asking the homeowners “do you have a ladder?” – uh, wouldn’t ECHO bring their own ladder?  The one house that had potential for something came out of his house with his 2 sons and told Al to get the hell off his property – according to Andrew, they were really big men – so as you can imagine – that was the end of the bit – Kidd tried to talk Little Andrew into going back, but come on – this is Andrew aka Mr. Stranger Danger – do you honestly think he’s going to risk his life for a bit?  And so, there’s your KKITM Holiday Mack Attack

THE ANDROID DUDE

“I am completely confused” said Kellie – and so was i – apparently this perv dude used an anatomically correct silicone “life doll” as the basis to build an android – apparently he’s dumped $25,000 into this android thing and has maxed out all of his credit cards and borrowed money from his friends in order to build this thing – Kidd wants to have this guy on in January and thinks there may be some sort of advertising opportunity there – now where I think this bit has possibility was the Al-Droid – taking random things that Al has said and turning them into droid speak – I’m thinking there are costume opportunities here – and THAT could be the Mack Attack of the New Year!

SHOWBIZ TOP 5

#5 – Clay Aiken is so in love with his son he wants to have another baby

#4 – K Fed got another girlfriend that he met on his bowling team

#3 – Some guy was arrested for jumping out at Lindsay Lohan after she came out of a club

#2 – Demi Lovato says she would never date a Jonas Brothers because they’re like brothers to her

#1 – Katy Perry and Travis McCoy of Gym Class Heroes are engaged

3 AND A HALF HOURS LATER …

Today is our office Christmas Pot Luck and Secret Santa exchange – of course everyone was supposed to bring something – but you know how that goes … Kidd bailed because he felt too pressured because of his culinary expertise – J Si didn’t bring anything because ehe’s lame (and he had some BS excuse about working until 11pm) – Kellie was going to being her mom’s famous Mac and Cheese but decided against it because it’s best right out of the oven so she brought her mother’s corn soufflé instead – Shanon’s on her death bed, so it was best if she didn’t bring anything – and then there was Al – Al decided he was going to bring fried chicken – so he was going to go to the hood to pick it up – but then he decided it was too far (because obviously he doesn’t actually LIVE in the hood) – so he went to the rocery store to get everything to make fried chicken – but while he was in the store, he decided it would be too much work – so he got in his car to go to the hood – but as he was on his way, he thought that the wait at the Chicken Shop would be too long – so he went back to the store to get the ingredients for the fried chicken – and while he was at the store, he ran into Kellie and her mom who told them there was no way he had time to make 30 pieces of fried chicken – so he went back to his car to head to the Chicken Store – 3 and a half hours later, Al finally got back to his house with enough chicken to feed the office

KELLIE RASBERRY IS PUTTING HER BREASTS IN YOUR HANDS – THATSWHATSHESAID

Kellie is having her breast enhancement on Monday and has to decide what size implants to go with – her biggest issue is that she does not want to enter the room “boob first” – so her natural instinct is to go with a small implant because she likes small boobs – and the idea isn’t to go bigger, just perkier – so why would she ask Kidd and the rest of the boys their opinions?  According to Kidd, every woman who has ever had small implants wishes she had gone bigger and he thinks that Kellie needs larger implants because she’s so tall – Al of course is of the “bigger is better” club – and J Si?  Well, I think he’s trying to keep from getting in trouble with Kinsey because he kept fairly quiet throughout the whole discussion – you can weigh in your vote here and see what everyone else thinks – personally, I think she should go with the small implant – she’s not trying to attract attention – just look better in clothing – she’s Kellie Freaking Rasberry Dammit – not Jenna Jameson!  And that’s boobie talk on Kidd Kraddick In The Morning!!

KELLIE RASBERRY AKA BITKILLER

“My level of humor is not elevated high enough apparently” – Kellie in response to the show being in Chipmunk Voice

RANDOM GEEK ROOM CONVERSATION OF THE DAY

What are you eating there?  - Sexy Jack

Oatmeal – Me

Oh – I love oatmeal – Sexy Jack

What do you have in there? Beans? – Sexy Jack

They’re raisins – me

Yeah – beans and oatmeal – Ben

Dude, Americans are weird people – Sexy Jack

THE THING THAT MADE ME LAUGH TODAY

Kellie reading the lyrics to the new Souljah Boy song – and hoping she wasn’t cussing because she didn’t know what the words meant

TRUER WORDS HAVE NEVER BEEN SPOKEN

“Kellie doesn’t like games” – Big Al – not like games “to win a contest” games – more like, “the guys are goofing off and being boys” games

THINGS YOU MIGHT HEAR ON TODAY’S SHOW

Kellie is excited about the Biggest Loser Finale

Big Al thinks the girl he’s been hanging out with has a boyfriend

J Si almost went a whole year without his dog pooping in his dog and rolling over in it

Shanon slept 16 hours yesterday and still sounds like she’s on her deathbed

Jack doesn’t understand people who shave their chest hair

HIZZLE

Dennis Quaid was awarded $750,000 for the Heparin overdose of his twins

Madonna will pay Guy Ritchie almost $100 million in their divorce settlement

Nicole Richie is NOT doing an album with Rihanna

Michelle Williams will not accept any awards n behalf of Heath Ledger

HIGHLIGHT

When we left off, Kellie was considering changing doctors the day before her surgery.  Today, all of the questions that have come up in the previous 11 chapters were answered – Dr. Ivan performed a difficult surgery 15 years ago even though he appeared to only be in his 20s – why?  Because he and Dr. Booty are vampires – and they’ve secretly been drinking blood – the two had been friends for the last 120 years and Dr. Ivan had been the best man when Dr. Booty had married Kellie 102 years ago – she was killed by a rival 5 years into their marriage and reincarnated as the same person, only 15 years older – and instead of performing plastic surgery, Dr. Ivan and Dr. Booty were planning to make her one of them

CONSUMER WATCH – YEAHHH!!!  CHRISTMAS EDITION

Olympus FE-20 8MP Digital Camera for $95 at bhphotovideo.com

25% off your entire online order at Victoria Secret – today only!

20% off already reduced 60% off fine jewelry at Dillards

30% off your entire purchase of $150 of more at J Crew

35% off Steve Madden – use the code HAPPYHOLIDAYS30

Calvin Klein and Donald Pliner purses at Amazon.com

Baseball caps with your favorite MLB or NCAA team logo are 70% off. Hats start at $4 dollars and NO TAX and FREE SHIPPING.
You can download Fallout Boy’s new album for 3.97 cents.

Restaurant.com – 80% off using keyword SANTA

THE HILLS!!

For some reason we stopped doing The Hills update – and it makes me sad because I LOVE The Hills – I know I’m not 17 and I know that it’s made up and contrived – but I don’t care – I still love it and I have to watch (except last night because I was watching Drama High on 20/20) – and how sad was I to find out that last night was the episode where Heidi and Spencer made the biggest mistake of their lives and got married – good thing I Tivo’d it!!

BITKILLER!!!

Kellie was talking about the CDs she has in her car and mentioned the kids CD that she has for Emma Kelly – you know the one that sounds like kid’s voices but is really all adults – that prompted Kidd to break out the Chipmunk Voice machine – I don’t  know how he does it – and it’s not something he does often – but the Chipmunk voices is one of the things I love the voice – and as much as I love me some Kellie, the thing that makes me laugh even more than the voices themselves is Kellie’s extreme hatred for the chipmunk voice – total comedy – the boys are telling jokes and Al is talking in G-Hetto voice – it’s total comedy – and then there’s Kellie aka Bitkiller, playing the straight man – only she’s not playing – and in case you think I’m kidding- this is what Kellie looked like during the bit – definitely check this one out on the kPod

NEW MUSIC TUESDAY

All-American Rejects – When the World Comes Down
Keyshia Cole – A Different Me
Fall Out Boy – Folie A Deux
Jamie Foxx – Intuition
Soulja Boy – SouljaBoy Tellem

SHOWBIZ TOP 5

#5 – Michelle Williams says she will not accept an award for Heath Ledger if he wins

#4 – Tim McGraw says he is not going to run for governor of Tennessee – at least right now

#3 – Pete Wentz wants to end his feud with the lead singer of The Killers

#2 – Paris Hilton and Benji madden were seen together at the opening of an L.A. boutique

#1 – Madonna has settled with Guy Ritchie for almost $100 million dollars

AL’S YEAR END WEEKEND RAP UP RECAP

Al said that the biggest things that happened to him this year were his break up with Bartendica, buying his son Payton a car, having to take away the car and buying a bar – but he left out a few things that were highlighter in his Weekend Rap Up Recap – like his obsession with beans (which helped him get through being dumped by Bartendica), Kellie cussing him out by text message, the night his date left him for another guy when he went to the bathroom. Forcing his Fantasy Fan to mow his lawn and the night he almost had to “kick some cracker a**” after the guy referred to Al as the N word” – then Al wanted to know the highlights of Kidd’s year … Chapter 11 of Highlight – BWAAAHHHHH!!!!!

AWKWARD ANDREW MOMENT

“Is your web-guy wearing a toupee?” – asked about Andrew at the holiday hunk party

BEHIND THE SCENES

“lesbians always have good hair” – J Si – um, okay …

OVERHEARD IN THE MONDAY MEETING

“did you see my boobies?” – Kellie to Kidd

BIG AL’S “I’M HOOD” MOMENT

“All the ballers do some calligraphy” – Big Al – or not …

KELLIE RASBERRY “ME ME ME” MOMENT

“If you didn’t kiss me, you better not kiss her” – Kellie talking about Sexy Jack and Crystal

THINGS YOU MIGHT HEAR ON TODAY’S SHOW

Kellie has to go to the post office today even though it’s the busiest post office day of the year

Big Al is a pleasant fun date but last night was really, really bad

J Si had his apartment Christmas party and some guy used, “mmmm sexy” as his pick up line to Kinsey

Shanon swears she wasn’t trying to kill the peanut allergy lady by offering her peanut butter balls Saturday night

Sexy Jack – one of the most awkward nights of his life

HIZZLE

Tara Reid is in rehab

Kanye West is moving to London to study fashion design

Demi Lovato is NOT a cutter

Big changes are coming to the new season of American Idol

HIGHLIGHT

When we left off last week, Kellie had just met with Dr. Booty’s ex-wife who had told Kellie that Dr. Booty was at least 150 years old – when we picked up today, Kellie was on her way back home and debating changing doctors when she received a phone call from her smoking-hot work BFF, Dian-Say – Dian-Say was a huge fan of Kellie’s for several different reasons -first because Kellie was absolutely THE funniest woman in radio – plus Kellie always defended Dian-Say and never said horribly mean things about her – like calling her a B and an A-hole on air – and Kellie had an appreciation for Dian-Say’s witty sarcasm, unlike their richer-than-God, grudge-holding (but often hilarious), manorexic boss – but Kellie didn’t have time to focus on her conversation with Dian-Say – because she needed to get home to the finale of The Biggest Loser

SHOWBIZ TOP 5

#5 – A catfight broke out on “Rock of Love 2″ between Sharon Osbourne and swimsuit model Megan

#4 – Ne-Yo is going to write songs for Marilyn Manson

#3 – Jennifer Hudson has decided she’s not ready to go back to work since the tragedy in her family

#2 – Despite pictures on the internet, Demi Lovato is NOT a cutter

#1 – Britney is trying to get Madonna to make an appearance at her first concert in New Orleans

THE COMPANY CHRISTMAS PARTY

I missed this year’s Christmas party due to a previous commitment so I can’t give a first-hand account – but based on the on-air recollection, it was pretty much a fun-filled evening of Drunkity Drunk Drunk Drunkenness – Little Andrew rsvp’d but didn’t make it to the Christmas party because he went to another party first and decided it would be the perfect opportunity to start drinking – Little Andrew isn’t typically one that partakes in alcohol treats but after 3 glasses of what he described as “a really sweet wine”, he was much too drunk to drive to the party – Big Al showed up with a girl tall enough to elicit the response “hi, I’m down here” from Kidd – but she was apparently pretty ill from a dental procedure and only stayed for about 20 minutes – Kellie showed up with J Si’s buddy Paul as her date, and somehow ended up being Jack’s girlfriend for the evening – probably because despite the fact that Kellie was a little late to the party, she still won the Drunkity Drunk Drunk Race – and drunk Kellie is Uninhibited Flirty Kellie – but thankfully (and fortunately for Jack’s girlfriend Brittany), Sexy Jack is also Gentleman Jack – and even though Kellie dragged Paul to the bar that Sexy Jack was hanging out at – he was still immune to Kellie’s feminine wiles – Kellie admitted that she may have been a little on the annoying side but said “I didn’t think I was really bothering him – I just thought maybe I was bothering him a little” – and even when Al tried to burst Kellie’s bubble (I think he was feeling a little jealous) by saying that at one point during the night, Jack flashed him a “SAVE ME” look – but Jack maintained that it was all harmless fun and he seems to be just fine with Kellie’s flirtatious ways!  Let’s just hope his girlfriend is okay with it too!

WHAT’S THAT I HEAR BIG AL?  A SUCCESSFUL BIT!!!!

Even if this bit had failed horribly, we still would have loved it because we got to hear Sexy Jacks talk with his Sexy Accent for an extended period of time – and what could be better than that?  So the whole idea of the Holiday Hunk was to send Jack as the date to someone’s holiday party – and we came up with the plan to send Jack to Crystal’s party as an up and coming British rock star – Crystal has only worked at the business for about 2 years and it was being held at the home of her boss – he’s a custom home builder and just built his own fancy new house, so we thought this was the perfect set up for Sexy Jack and his entourage – so when they first arrive, Jack comes in with his entourage – this is completely hysterical to me because in walks Crystal, with Jack and 3 extra people  (Andrew complete with the video camera) but the hostess, Yvonne, never said a word!  Apparently it was a very small and intimate crowd and completely the opposite of what Jack was expecting – he thought there would be about 100 but it was closer to 50 – and it’s a pretty low key crowd – people standing around making small talk (quiet small talk) and mostly drinking Coke and Sprite – and no one really gave a second glance to Jack et al – so to draw some attention – Jack decides to propose a toast to his date – and that’s when he introduced himself as “Jamie P”, lead singer of the fictional band “Cheers Finch” – of course after the toast, people starting taking notice -  first was a female party-goer to whom Jack introduced his entire posse – he apologized for bringing his web-guy (Andrew), drummer (Austin) and handler (Jack’s buddy) – but that seemed to break the ice because word quickly spread amongst the party about “Jamie P” which led to a face-to-face with the big boss (Who according to Andrew “is very, very intimidating”) – Jack told The Boss that he met Crystal at a concert at the Palladium and then proceeded to tell him about their newest single, “I Wanna Lick You All Over” – it’s “a bit dancey, a bit hip” and “may not appeal to everyone but it’s gaining popularity” – YIKES!!  I’ve seen the original footage of The Boss’ face – OMG – can you say “stone cold?” – Jack even told The Boss about his MySpace page – and because we’re the show that is well prepared for a bit (at least if you’re someone besides Big Al), Jack had set up a MySpace page for Cheers Finch beforehand – and a good thing because about 10 minutes later, 5 people from the party are standing around a computer looking at the Cheers Finch MySpace page!!

AND THE ENDER

It’s not enough that you keep the bit going – there has to be some type of payoff – and what would that be?  A performance!!  So Jack says that he’s written a song for Crystal – and the plan was for J Mac to play the guitar and for Jack to sing it, but J Mac didn’t show – so it was on for Jack to sing a capella – except Jack’s not really a singer – so he thought he would do more of a poetic recitation – and that would have been fine – gather up a few people, do the poem and jet – except grandma (I’m not sure who’s grandma) had heard the story of Jamie P and called for everyone’s attention so Jack could sing the song – then she brought Jack center stage in front of the Christmas tree – at this point, Jack was clearly in way over his head – but he reached into his little black bag of “I’m a rock star” tricks and asked the crowd to sing along with him when he got to the chorus :

I used to be confused, but now it’s crystal clear

I am falling for you and all i can say is cheers

You smell like English Roses and I prefer you to beer

These last two months have been wicked

I just want to nibble your ear

The first night we met, I saw you standing there

I was singing my famous song “I want to lick you all over”

And it all became so clear

(and the chorus, which sounded very much like Purple Rain!))

Crystal Clear, Crystal Clear – Crystal Clear, Crystal Clear – Crystal Clear, Crystal Clear – Crystal Clear, Crystal Clear

And the crowd just jumped right in – not only that, but they started clapping along also!!   Everyone was so impressed by Jack’s song that they “oohed” and “ahhhed” and “how sweeted” and then started calling for Jack and Crystal to kiss – yeah, that’s great that it was all believable – but Jack has a girlfriend – a serious girlfriend!!  But Jack is the consummate professional and figured out a way to deflect – then people started asking for pictures with Jack so they’d have pictures for when he makes it big so they can say they met him way back when – Now this is where Big Al would have ruined the bit – you’ve got everyone believing you, the bit is what you would call a success – now it’s time to make a run for it – if had been Al, he would have stuck around for another hour, had a couple of drinks and somehow blown his cover – but not Jack – he made his excuse, said his goodbyes and was out!!  Yvonne called into the show and said they figured out who Jack was after they left – and then went to the website to determine if the “web guy” was Andrew – but it didn’t matter – because it was still a successful bit!

BEHIND THE SCENES

At the mere suggestion that Macauley Culkin might be married/dating Mila Kunis, the boys in the Geek Room completely lost it – “no way”, “la la la la – I’m not listening” , “he’d better not be” – seriously?  do you really think any of you yahoos have a chance with her?  jeez …

INAPPROPRIATE MOMENT OF THE DAY

Al calling Shanon a Lesbi-man when talking about her girly girlfriend

I HATE YOU KELLIE RASBERRY

Kellie is going to see her plastic surgeon today so that she can try on boobie sizes – but apparently Kellie talking about her new boobies is rubbing a few people the wrong way – particularly the Angry Small Breasted Pioneer Woman – she wrote an email to Kidd (though I’m not sure how since she’s from 200 years ago) to say she’s tired of hearing about Kellie talking about her plastic surgery – and that Kellie should consider herself lucky that she not only has the money to pay for the surgery – but that she lives in a time when the surgery is even an option

FUNNIEST CONVERSATION ON TODAY’S SHOW

“I’ll be honest – there is a lot of B about me – I’m B” – Kellie

“You put the itch in B” – Kidd

KIDD’S “NEXT YOU’LL GROW A VESTIGIAL TAIL” MOMENT

Kellie’s computer is *gasp* 5 years old!!!

“SAVE THAT “OF THE DAY

“I’ll be dancing naked at 2:30pm” – Kidd

THINGS YOU MIGHT HEAR ON TODAY’S SHOW

Kellie cried after a woman yelled at her yesterday

Big Al had someone yell “Character Stereotype Destroyer Man” at him

J Si may have to move out of his apartment complex because of Beyonce

Shanon burned 6 fingers but is coming to the Christmas party

Sexy Jack has a date this weekend and it’s not with his girlfriend

FLUSH THE FORMAT

Pour Some Sugar On Me – Def Leppard

Round and Round – Tupac

How Bizarre – OMC

Pocket Full of Sunshine – Natasha Bedingfield

Handlebars – Flobots

Girls – Beastie Boys

Lollipop – Lil Wayne

I Got A Woman – Ray Charles

Golddigger – Kanye West

Swing Swing – All American Rejects

Just Dance – Lady GaGa

Single Ladies – Beyonce

Super Woman – Christina Aguilera

Me So Horny – 2 Live Crew

Baby Got Back – Sir Mix A Lot

HIZZLE

Macauley Culkin’s sister, Dakota, was hit by a car and killed

Kate Walsh is getting divorced after a year of marriage

Usher and Tameka had a baby boy

Paula Abdul might be leaving American Idol

WHATEVER WILL WE DO IF PAULA ABDUL LEAVES AMERICAN IDOL??

I don’t watch American Idol – and I guess I’m the only one on the planet because everyone seems to be freaking out about the possibility that Paula may leave the show this season – everyone but me … personally, I think she’s a wacko – I do think that Paula got a raw deal and was treated badly by Simon and Fox – but I also think she’s taking this victim thing a little too far – dude, stand up for yourself – I think that reality show she did really made her look bad – “I am tired of people not treating me like the gift that i am” – um, okay Paula – whatever you say …

HIGHLIGHT

When we left off yesterday, Kellie had just arrived at Dr. Booty’s ex-wife’s house – except the middle-aged (41 years old) woman that came out said she wasn’t Dr. Booty’s ex-wife – she was actually his granddaughter, Tina – Tina took Kelley into the house to meet the real ex-Mrs. Dr. Booty’s – and Kellie was shocked to see that the ex-Mrs. Dr. Booty was about 100 years old – she shared with Kellie that she had been married to Dr. Booty for 25 years – and that contrary to Kellie’s quick calculation – Dr. Booty wasn’t 75 years old – he was at least 150 …

THE CALF-OFF aka IT’S ABOUT TO GET UGLY IN HERE

So the official Calf Off voting has ended and we have a winner – if you saw the pictures, there was never really any doubt who the winner would be - J Si came in last place with 14% of the vote, Shanon just barely beat J Si with 15% – somehow Al managed to come from behind and slide into 2^nd place with 21% of the vote and Kidd won by a landslide with 49% – and that’s when the passive aggressive backhanded slams started flying – poor Kidd – the man doesn’t have much – he’s not as tall as the other boys and he isn’t nearly as big – can’t y’all just let Kidd have the calf title?  He did win it fair and square – but noooo … instead the boys accused Kidd of already having calf implants – then Al said Kidd weighed 108 and J Si was kind enough to give him 120 – so of course Kidd had to jump in and defend himself with comebacks like Bacon Head and Lard Butt – yes, I am surrounded by 10 year old boys

IS THAT GOOD NAKED – OR BAD NAKED??

There are a lot of reasons that I love J Si – and one of the big ones is his ability to totally laugh at himself when he pulls a bonehead move – like yesterday – so, I’ve been teasing J Si mercilessly about the new Beyonce song, “Single Ladies” because he and Kinsey have been dating about 100 years now – and since she left her family and moved across the country to be with him, I think it’s high time that he marry her – after all, “if he liked it then he should have put a ring on it!”, right?  So I’ve been singing the Beyonce song to him pretty much non-stop and we’ve been doing the dance around the office – complete with the pelvic rolls and hip thrusts – well, I didn’t realize that J Si had been practicing at home – and apparently neither did Kinsey who seemed to have left the blinds open in their bedroom – so yesterday afternoon when J Si got out of the shower and started doing the Beyonce hip roll in the bedroom, he didn’t realize that the blinds were open – he also didn’t realize that people could see into his bedroom – otherwise he never would have been standing in front of his dresser …  legs spread apart, hip thrusting complete with the hand movements  … buck bare booty naked – that’s right!  NEKKID!!  Now just imagine little J Si dancing around his bedroom with his wee-wee out for the world to see while he’s pretending to be Beyonce – and then imagine his cool neighbor and his 2 hot female friends standing on their balcony staring at J Si – of course the minute j Si saw them, he dove for the ground and yelled for Kinsey thinking she would bring him a towel – but instead of helping him cover up she just pointed and laughed – yeah, I’m willing to bet that someone laughing and pointing at you while you’re naked is never good for the ego!

ANYONE BUT J SI

So now that all of the Geighborhood has seen (or heard) of J Si’s nekkid dancing experience, he has to place the blame on someone – so he chose me – and I was fine with that – I’ll take the blame if it creates a great bit – or someone else’s extreme embarrassment – but that’s not the way we roll on KKITM – the Supreme KKITM Court declared J Si guilty of indecent exposure and dancing naked in front of the window on purpose – I mean, we know that J Si thinks that he’s the greatest at everything anyway – why wouldn’t he want all of the Geighborhood to see him as the greatest male Beyonce dancer in the ‘hood?  That’s why he was dancing in front of the window – at least that’s what Kidd said – we brought the case in front of the KKITM People’s Court and asked Kellie to defend J Si, with Kidd as the prosecutor and Al as the judge – the case quickly became personal with Al favoring Kellie and it ended in a hung jury (THATSWHATSHESAID) with a caller referring to Al as the judge who is a legal nincompoop

SHOWBIZ TOP 5

#5 – John Stamos’ idea for a Full House reunion is no more

#4 – Macauley Culkin’s sister died after walking in front of a car

#3 – Jeremey Piven lost Barack Obama’s phone number in a voice mail

#2 – Usher and his wife, Tameka had another baby boy

#1 – Mariah’s pregnancy rumors are rampant due to her canceling her tour

HOLIDAY HUNK

Sexy Jack’s girlfriend is away having her pinky toe “knocked back into shape” (like Jack said), so he is free and clear to impersonate yet another British guy in yet another bit – I am anticipating GREATNESS – and that’s all I can say …

HOW MANY PEOPLE WILL BIG AL BRING TO THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY?

Obviously Big Al thinks he’s a WAY bigger deal than he really is – because anytime we have an office gathering, Al feels the need to bring his own personal entourage – particularly when someone else (Kidd) is picking up the tab – tonight is the big office Christmas Party and although there are several people in the office that are coming alone, once again Al is bringing a crew – he immediately invited his Redneck Steve – but since they’re still trying to keep it on the DL, he’s also bringing a date – remember the girl he met at the sports bar last weekend – except she may be “sick” (probably because she heard us talk so bad about how Al always invites some random girl to our office parties) – so what does Al do – he lines up a back up date – after complaining on air yesterday about not having the current Dallas Maverick Dancers calendar – one of the dancers stopped by the studio this morning to bring Al a calendar – and Al took that opportunity to ask said dancer if she would like to be his date to the party in case his current date backs out – how does this man function??

BILLBOARD TOP 5

5.  Nickelback- Dark Horse
4.  Kanye West- 808s & Heartbreak
3.  Beyonce- I Am … Sasha Fierce
2.  Taylor Swift- Fearless
1.  Britney Spears- Circus

KKITM – THE SHOW THAT DESTROYS RELATIONSHIPS

Usually when the show ruins a relationship, it’s Big Al in the hot seat – but if you hang around here long enough, we’ll eventually get to everyone – Shanon – your turn – Shanon has a new girlfriend and according to the boys – she is HOT HOT HOTTIE MCHOTTERSTON HOT!!!  New Girlfriend (NGF) has only met a couple of people on the show and has had very brief encounters with them – that of course left NGF open to all kinds of scrutiny – because well, that’s what we do here – I think it all started with Al and J Si’s discussion of whether or not NGF is “in play”? **shakes head** tacky, tacky, tacky – then they started in on the fact that she’s a little on the quiet side – yeah, well we’re not that easy of a crowd to ease into – then there was more talk about how hot she is which I can tell makes Shanon a little uncomfortable – because every time someone says “man she’s hot”, Shanon comes back with “she’s not just hot – she’s also very nice and very smart and has a good job and makes me very happy and she has a really nice dog that doesn’t tear up all my stuff like my dog Oprah does” – she also says all of this without taking a breath – anyway, some good natured jabs were thrown in – something about NGF NOT being a huge B and Kellie admitting that she is – more comments about how NGF is very strong and can kick Kidd’s butt and then a jab at how out of all Al’s ex-girlfriend’s, Shanon disliked Bartendica the most – ouch – if Al hadn’t already completely destroyed that relationship, Shanon surely put the final nail in the coffin – after all of that, all I have to say is that tonight’s party is sure to be a hilarious, alcohol filled evening of awkwardness and I’m sad that I have to miss it – but I am looking forward to hearing the stories on Monday!

BEHIND THE SCENES

Off air, I asked Al if he realized that the word ‘character’ was a noun and not an adjective – his response? “you’re arguing with a superhero” – um, Al?  the bit is over …

KIDD’S “NEXT YOU’LL GROW A VESTIGIAL TAIL” MOMENT

“Can I email from my Blackberry” – Kellie

“Why do you even have a Blackberry?” – Kidd

OOGEY QUOTE OF THE DAY

“Breastfeeding sucks all the life out of your boobies” - Kidd – yes, Kidd – it does – but it’s just oogey to hear you say it

PSYCHO SHANON’S PSYCHO MOMENT OF THE DAY

Marie called in during the Calf Off to say that Shanon had cankles – way to go Marie – thanks to you, women named Marie all over the world are going into hiding  **singing** Psycho Shanon – Psycho Shanon – IT’S MY SHOW!!!

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID QUOTE OF THE DAY

While talking about Christmas shopping, Kellie announced that she’s “done” just about everyone in the office

THINGS YOU MIGHT HEAR ON TODAY’S SHOW

Kellie thinks everyone should go around the room and say something nice about her

Big Al says that iPhone people are a little snottier than Blackberry people

J Si had fun hanging out with Kellie over the weekend

Shanon want to know if cold weather can cause her car to make a “renh renh renh” sound

WHO’S ON FIRST?

When Shanon was talking about her car, Kidd brought mentioned the fact that he used to work at a car repair shop – this reminded Al of the time that Kidd worked installing car stereos – somehow, and I’m not really sure how, Kidd started in on some convoluted story about how he used to work at the car repair shop – and there was a guy named Ray and a Cockapoo and a dog whose teeth were removed after it had killed another dog – and then there was a dog named Rosie that Al kept getting confused with Kidd’s mom, whose name is also Rosie – so while Kidd was installing stereos, Kidd ended up with the amazing skill of identifying cars by the sound of their horn – and that’s car talk on Kidd Kraddick in the Morning …

HIZZLE

Taylor Hanson is a dad for the 4^th time

Toni Braxton had a benign tumor removed from her breast

Lauren Conrad called the Montag family “to express her concern” when she heard about Heidi’s wedding

No one wants to pay for Ashlee and Pete’s baby

SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!!

I don’t know how it works in other offices, but every year at KKITM there is a big discussion over Christmas and the exchange of gifts – now when I first started working here 6 years ago, there were only about 10 people who worked here – but since then, the office has grown considerably – and now there are about 25 people in the office – back in the day, it wasn’t that big of a deal to pick up a little something for everyone in the office – but now, even if you buy everyone a $10 Starbucks card, you’re looking at about $250 – not to mention the time it would take to put together 25 homemade gifts – so it was decided that this year we would do the Secret Santa and everyone would draw a name and buy a gift for just one person – but there is one person that decided to buck the system and defy Secret Santa and buy a gift for everyone in the office anyway – of course, I’m talking about the great Kellie Rasberry – every year, Kellie makes a point of buying a gift for every person in the office – and when I say everyone, I mean EVERYONE – Kellie doesn’t do it to make herself look good or because she feels guilty – she’s just one of those people that just enjoys giving gifts – and she feels like she’s  spoiled and gets so many perks from being on air, that she wants to do something for the people who don’t get those perks – no big deal, right?  right.  unless you’re Kidd Kraddick – because Kidd thinks that Kellie is making everyone else (Kidd, Al and J Si) look bad for not buying gifts for everyone in the office – so Kidd had 2 questions for the support staff

1.       Will you think less of the others in the big room, if only one person buys you a gift and

2.       Will you feel bad if you don’t have anything to give them except your Secret Santa gift

Little Andrew went first with the PC answer of “I don’t think less of you – I’m just happy to have a job” in his normal “what are you TAAALLKING about” voice

And was next Cappy and decided that he was cool with forgoing gifts from everyone in the office … everyone except Big Al – because thanks to Big Al, Cappy’s job is made exponentially more difficult every day – so not only is Cappy expecting a gift from Big Al – he also expects Al to give Cappy’s wife a present since she has to listen to Cappy bitch about how difficult Al makes his life

Then it was me – but instead of sucking up to keep my job, I decided to keep it real and say what everyone else was thinking – I don’t expect a gift from everyone in the big room – just the big guy – the person that owns the show, the supreme boss of the show – the person that makes more money than God – WHAT??  is that wrong?  Don’t most people get gifts from their bosses for the holidays?  Especially if you work for a small company?  I’m just saying … Cappy thought it would benefit the show if Kidd fired me and they split my salary as a bonus – or even had a pimpin’ Christmas party – but I had to poke a hole in that theory by pointing out that it would be a paltry bonus and even skimpier party if it was dependent on my little salary – not complaining – just pointing out facts – I’m far from the highest paid person in the office – I would venture to say I’m very close to the bottom – anyway, in lieu of gifts – Kidd asked if the Christmas party could be considered the gift?  Maybe so – but personally, I shared that I would be willing to forgo the party and just take the cash – WHAT??  am I wrong? 

HIGHLIGHT

When we left off yesterday, Kellie was headed off to get the scoop from Dr. Booty’s ex-wife – he had never mentioned an ex-wife, but thanks to the office Google King, Kellie had managed to track her down – the Google King had also uncovered that there was a man with the same name and same likeness of Dr. Booty that had died over 100 years ago – Kellie was killing time and looking through a 10 year old photo album where she found pictures of Dr. Booty looking exactly the same as he does today and a guy who looked exactly like Dr. Ivan – only Dr. Ivan would have been a teenager 10 years ago – hmmm – finally, Kellie arrived at the home of Dr. Booty’s ex-wife and the woman (who looked to be in her mid-40’s) came out to meet Kellie – but as Kellie spoke with her, the woman let Kellie know that she wasn’t actually Dr. Booty’s ex-wife – she was Dr. Booty’s granddaughter, Tina Booty **insert dramatic gasp here**

IT’S A BIRD, IT’S A PLANE – IT’S S.T.D. MAN

now, if you know anything about Big Al, it’s that he pretty much breaks every stereotype there is about black people – he’s not a good athlete, he’s the playa’ with no game, he doesn’t dance very well, his favorite musical artists are Kelly Clarkson and Gavin DeGraw – need I go on?  so a few weeks ago, Kidd and Al came up with a bit – the idea was that since Al is a man that destroys stereotypes, he would be the perfect person to portray a character that seeks out people that destroy stereo types – so off Al went with his trusty recorder to “destroy” stereotypes about the Mexican – but before we get to the actual bit, first let’s focus on the theme song – it’s no secret that Al’s theme songs are often better than the bit – and while I’m not sure if this theme song was actually better, per se – it was definitely more entertaining -

the character that Kidd and Al came up with was called “Stereotype Destroyer” – so why did Al refer to himself as Character Stereotype Destroyer Man – before we even got started, the Chat Room was on it -

“where in the world did he get this name?” Lucy asked “he can’t pick a short name … no no no has to pick a really longgggg hard to say fast name”

We tried to point out to Al that he was supposed to be a character named Stereotype Destroyer – but for some reason, Al just wasn’t getting it – he kept maintaining that the character part was an adjective – only I guess Al missed the day in 3^rd grade where they discussed descriptive words – because the word ‘character” is a noun!!  And he kept trying to explain something about a characteristic – but that didn’t make sense either since a characteristic would have been something descriptive – I don’t know – all I can say was that I was confused – and I wasn’t the only one – because Minty said, “we never understand what you’re saying Al” – see, it’s not just me – but anyway – back to the bit – so after our dissection of the theme song where Al referred to himself as the Character Stereotype Destroyer – we got into the bit part – Al tracked down a couple of Mexicans and asked them the offensive stereotypical question. “Have you ever ridden in a car with 3 other people?” uh … yeah … once again, there was no need from commentary from me because the Chat Room was all over it …

“who hasn’t ridden in a car with 3 other people?”, Minty asked -

“wait what in the world does riding with 3 people have to do with being Mexican?” asked Lucy

“apparently only Mexicans ride with other people,” Pita said

I don’t know – I’m sure Al was trying to go somewhere with this – and maybe if he had asked the question, “what’s the most people you’ve ever ridden in a car with?” and they answered “12 people in a station wagon” he might have had something – then again, like Lucy said, “I’m sure it made sense in his head” – let’s hope so …after all, when Al announced “I’m Character Stereotype Destroyer Man” and then paused for the thundering sound effect – there had to been a point – would it have had something to do with him announcing that “All men were created”? – um, yes Al – all men were created – it’s about this time when I noticed Kellie’s complete look of bewilderment and Kidd quickly losing his reason to live – Abbeym32 noticed it too because she suggested, “ummmmm can we say pack your box and leave quietly” – yeah, I’m pretty sure that was what Kidd was thinking too – especially when he announced that today would be his last show – “all we should here now is static – the show has been cancelled” said Abbeym32 – Yep – that’s exactly how Kidd felt

SHOWBIZ TOP 5

#5 – Jason Meznick, the new Bachelor says he is in love and engaged

#4 – Dancing with the Stars is in talks with Stevie Wonder

#3 – Nobody wants pictures of Ashlee and Pete’s baby – and Taylor Hanson’s fourth baby was born

#2 – Taylor Swift has dating rules and won’t call boys

#1 – The second Twilight movie, New Moon, is going to have a new Jacob

THE FACT IS, I’M CALF-TASTIC!

I could tell you how this whole discussion got started, but it will easier to just give you a montage of the statements that were declared by the skinniest member of the show:

“I have good calves – best calves on the show, frankly – maybe this is my sweet redemption, right there below the knee – Is there some doubt that I have the best calves on the show? – If I had one area that men would trade with me in a second … it’s the calves – I avoid shorts because I just get tired of the compliments”

Yes, Kidd Kraddick declared that despite his complete lack of muscle tone and only having one ab, that he had the best calves of any member of the show – and you know what happens around here when somebody lays down a challenge – out whipped the camera and a poll was posted - now, I have to admit that I would never have picked Kidd as having the best calves – especially considering he’s the DJ that fits in your pocket – but after looking at the pictures – I think he may be right – they’re not the biggest calves – but dare I say, in this case, bigger is not always better – and that *gasp* size does not matter - the fact of the matter is that Kidd has more definition where as everyone else just has girth - THATSWHATSHESAID!!!

PEOPLE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF SHANON’S KINDNESS AND GENEROSITY

**crickets** – well, not really – but you have to go and listen to it on the kPod because there is no possible way that I could convey in print the 3 different stories that Shanon must made up in her head as scenarios of where people have taken advantage of her kindness and generosity – nor could I properly put into print the manner of speaking in which Shanon is able to complete sentences without ever taking a breath – but it all started with a caller named Marie who said that Shanon has cankles – and it ended with an email to me, from Shanon, saying:

“Will you please take pics of my ankles at every angle so that I can prove to Maria that I don’t have cankles? It hurts my feelings and I will obsess over it and probably become cankle bulimic.

Thank you,

Shanon”

Trust me when I say that Shanon will indeed obsess over her nonexistent cankle problem and that she is probably at home, as you read this, trying to figure out a way to shave down her ankle bones so that they will appear smaller – when I said that we at the Kidd Kraddick in the Morning show are just like family, I meant it – however, I never said that we weren’t dysfunctional – I think that should be our new tagline – Kidd Kraddick in the Morning – we put the “fun” in dysfunctional!

THINGS YOU MIGHT HEAR ON TODAY’S SHOW

Kellie is a walking ball of static electricity

Big Al wants to know why office buildings lock up toilet paper

J Si is mad that Kinsey appears on an ad for a dating website on MySpace

Shanon has not bought a single Christmas gift and is officially in panic mode

Sexy Jack realized that 3 of his 5 favorite movies are chick flicks

HIZZLE

T.R. Knight is leaving Grey’s Anatomy

Tom Cruise thinks Spencer Pratt should have another wedding with Heidi

DMX was arrested at Scott Storch’s house, who also had a warrant out for his arrest

Britney’s back up dancers have to be drug tested

LOVE LETTERS TO KELLIE

If all of your friends are cheating on their husbands, you need to get new friends

If your husband is a lying druggie, don’t stay with him “for the sake of your children”

If your ex wants to “be friends” after your break up, it’s because he wants to keep you around to come back to later

If your mom is cooking Christmas dinner even though she knows that you are, don’t play in to her pouty attitude

HIGHLIGHT

When we left off, Dr. Booty was looking longingly at a picture of him and Kellie from, presumably, a past life – we pick up today with Kellie thinking about her investigation of Dr. Booty and Dr. Ivan – but she was distracted by a ME ME ME conversation with Clarence, the old security guard, who was also having surgery – only Clarence’s surgery was an important, life saving open heart surgery – not an insignificant, superficial cosmetic surgery that included a luxury private recovery room and a limo ride, like Kellie’s – but no matter, because between that and Kellie’s obsession with the office Christmas party, she still found time for another ME ME ME conversation with her BFF, Heaven – Kellie told Heaven that she needed to do some serious research before her surgery the next day and intended to start with Dr. Booty’s ex-wife

GOOD SAMARITAN THEATER aka A KIDD KRADDICK IN THE MORNING RE-CREATION OF THE DAY

Apparently J Si isn’t a baby DJ anymore – because he was able to drop a hundie on the doorman to get a listener and her 10 friends to get into the club the other night – the next day, the listener sent an email to Kidd to tell him about J Si’s good deed and Kidd forwarded it to the staff – Kellie came in to the studio to tell J Si that she was proud of him, then she left to go poop – but Shanon wasn’t about to be trumped by J Si and his hundie – Shanon had a cancer patient up her sleeve – all of a sudden, Shanon busted out with “oh what is this over here – a New Kids sleeping bag” and pulled out a New Kids On The Block sleeping bag that was sent to her by a listener – but not just because the listener loves Shanon – but because when Shanon was in fifth grade, her dad threw her sleeping bag away – and a long time ago, Shanon offered to help said listener with some sort of makeover that she was unable to use because she had cancer – now the sleeping bag has been here a couple of days – funny how Shanon aka the Good Deed Trumper didn’t feel the need to mention the sleeping bag (or the cancer patient that sent it to her) until J Si mentioned his good deed …

GET OVER IT

To the lady at the concession stand who told Kidd,  ”You can leave me a tip if you wish”- GET OVER IT!

To Kidd Kraddick – you planned the Christmas Party late so don’t be mad when people can’t come – GET OVER IT!

To the flight attendant who got mad at Al for talking to people through the flight – GET OVER IT!

If you’re wearing nothing when it’s 20 degrees outside (Kinsey), don’t be made when J Si won’t give you his coat – GET OVER IT!

To my family -I moved and have a better life and you don’t – GET OVER IT!

So your boyfriend stares at me – I’m hot – GET OVER IT!

To Big Al – J Si is Kidd’s right hand man – GET OVER IT!

To the guy I just cut off in traffic – GET OVER IT!

To the junkies in our small town – we’re not the reason for your addiction – GET OVER IT!

To my ex – we’ve been divorced for 3 years – GET OVER IT!

To my sister – your daughter has a big head but she’s still cute – GET OVER IT!

To all the cougars – I’m young- GET OVER IT!

To all the Texas fans – the BCS has spoken – Boomer Sooner – GET OVER IT!

To Kellie – at least your boss is throwing a Christmas party – GET OVER IT!

To my husband – my mom called the police on you 16 years ago – GET OVER IT!

For all you Twilight haters – GET OVER IT!

My boyfriend is 23 years older than me – GET OVER IT!

SHOWBIZ TOP 5

#5 – T.R. Knight wants out of his contract at Grey’s Anatomy

#4 – The Gossip Girl cast is busy hooking up with each other

#3 – Britney Spears has all of her background dancers tested for drugs

#2 – Paula Abdul is blaming Fox and Simon Cowell for trying to ruin her and her career

#1 – Big changes on “The Real Housewives of Orange County” – Vicki may be leaving and Laurie may be coming back

IT’S BEGINNING TO LOOK LIKE A CRAIGSLIST CHRISTMAS

• There are only 14 shopping days left before Christmas and the Craigslist pickins are starting to get limited …
• A free hot tub – it has some trash in it and has no pump – it worked fine but the water burned his skin
• A great gift for the beekeeper in your life … never mind, NEXT
• 30 empty bottles that were used to make wine – would like to trade them all for 1new bottle
• A Walmart lamp – he loves it has to get rid of it now that he’s married
• 100% free freezer that is sitting on his curb – it stopped working 6 months ago and it might have some meat in it – sorry
• Like new treadmill – it’s only been used about 5 times – it’s $350 and he’ll deliver it – or if you can get his wife to use it and drop a couple of pounds he’ll give you $350
• Clear empty tennis ball canisters – you can use it to put bandannas in it – there are between 70-100
• A coupon for $5 off admission to the carnival – it says its expired but still usable
• 2 big boxes of cereal, canned food and pasta sauce, canned foods – they’re expired but probably still good
• A TwoDaLoo – it’s a toilet built for 2 with a 7 inch television and iPod docking station – his wife was disgusted and left him because he gave it to her for their 4 year anniversary

THE CHRISTMAS PARTY

Our last show of the year is next Friday and we’re having our annual Christmas Party – we’re going to have lots of bands – Gym Class Heroes, Lenka, BC Jean and Ryan Cabrera – and the show will be hanging out with everyone – so we want everyone to come down and see the show – but not just to see the bands – you should come to see Al in his Effeminate Elf costume

WAH-WAH-WAH

Here’s the story – this year’s office Christmas party was planned at the last minute -and it was originally planned for Thursday so we all planned to attend on Thursday – then yesterday it was changed to Friday – so now Kidd is whining because people in the office (like Kellie) will be late or aren’t coming (like me) – now, Kidd says he’s not mad – but he keeps saying it in that “it’s fine” voice that women use on their men when the guy wants to do something that she REALLY doesn’t want him to do – “I know you have plans and lives outside of KKITM and can’t (or won’t) change them to attend our thrown-together-at-the-last-minute office party – but it’s fine” – that voice – now before you get all “you should just be happy you’re having a party” on me – we are grateful that we’re having a party – but we also would have been fine with lunch after the show – because at the end of the day, we’re people that are pretty happy with food – and no one was demanding a party – we just wanted to know when the party was if we were indeed having one – but instead, Kidd is making us (i.e. Kellie) out to be high maintenance and demanding for trying to do nothing more than being proactive in our holiday planning – and to prove my point that Kidd is being a little pissy, Kidd decided to throw Kellie under the bus (again) with his story about the Christmas party that Kellie referred to Kidd’s Mexican best friends as the caterers – now, in Kellie’s defense – I also thought that Danny and Joann were the caterers – I mean, they were in the kitchen wearing aprons – and who invites their friends to the office Christmas party?  But it’s a way better story when Kidd makes Kellie out to be the bad guy – especially when he talks in “Mexican/Southern Kellie” voice – it almost makes listening to Kidd’s incessant Christmas party whining worth it!

KELLIE RASBERRY “ME ME ME” MOMENT

Somehow, Kidd’s tease of the Britney song turned into Kellie talking about HER going to see Britney Spears with Haven in Miami, Vegas, Dallas and maybe New Orleans and Boston – he played the “I wanna talk about meeee” song which led Kellie into another “ME ME ME” moment where she talked about this video – feathering …

KIDD’S “NEXT YOU’LL GROW A VESTIGIAL TAIL” MOMENT

“I don’t know how to friend you” – Kellie talking about MySpace

KELLIE RASBERRY’S DIVA MOMENT

“You know what – I’m only requested as a friend, I don’t ever have to request friends” – Kellie’s reasoning for not knowing how to request friends on MySpace

THINGS YOU MIGHT HEAR ON TODAY’S SHOW

Big Al overslept this morning because he thought it was Saturday

J Si’s mom wants a MySpace

Shanon’s snoring is so out of control that people are trying to record it

Sexy Jack needs help getting in the Christmas spirit

BEST CALLER OF THE DAY

Ashley called in because she only gets to listen to the show from 6-6:30am – Ashley was WAY perkier than I have ever been at 6am – she actually gets up at 4:30am to be at work on time and is, as Kidd said “Super Cheerleader Perky” – she has been divorced for 5 years and has a 4 year old son that “rocks her face off” – the best part of Ashley’s life right now? her ex-husband has finally gotten a girlfriend and she is THRILLED!!!

HIZZLE

Mariah Carey might be pregnant

PETA is mad at Britney

Diddy is toning down the bling because of the economy

Jessica Alba was airbrushed for the Campari calendar

THE BREAK THAT MADE ME WANT TO PUNCH KIDD IN THE FACE

Yesterday at the meeting, Kellie pointed out how miserable it is to buy Kidd a gift – see, Kidd hates surprises and will go out of his way to ruin the surprise – it’s almost to the point where he finds pleasure, in ruining the gift giving experience – it isn’t enough for him to figure out what it is, he wants to tell you that he knows what it is and then tell you what he thinks about the present – good or bad – like last year when Al bought him a golf tool of some sort – Kidd looked at it and said “thanks Al, I already have this – it sucks!!” – um, okay … I’ll be sure not to buy you anything golf related – but that didn’t deter Big Al – whatever Kidd’s Christmas present is, it’s got to be something good – Al says he’s been working on it for months – he was even going to give it to Kidd for his birthday but it wasn’t’ ready – so what does Kidd do – tell Al he’s looking forward to the present – say “thanks Al, but you really don’t have to go through all that trouble” – no.  Kidd declares that he knows exactly what it is but refuses to say “in case he’s wrong” – then you’re not really sure if he does or doesn’t know – but either way, Kidd has stolen your gift giving joy.  Yeah – Merry Christmas to you too buddy!

HIGHLIGHT

When we left off yesterday, Kellie had just received a 3:30am text message from Dr. Booty asking to talk about the previous night – today Dr. Booty was lying next to his sleeping wife belaboring the fact that he’d allowed Dr. Ivan to seduce Kellie when he was the one who was really in love with her – Dr. Mark Kevin Booty left his wife in bed as he wandered through the house to ponder his life – he found himself in his office looking at a photograph that had to have been taken 40-50 years ago – as he looked at the photo of the man mounted on a horse, we find out that the man in the picture is none other than Dr. Booty 0 and upon closer inspection, there is a woman in the photo who could only be … Kellie

JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW WE’RE NOT GONNA PAY AN ARM AND A LEG FOR THIS (a quote from J Si)

Yesterday during Craigslist Christmas, we read an ad from a man who was offering advertising space on his prosthetic leg – we talked to Barry today and found out that he’s only 23 years old – and not only did he lose his leg, but he lost his arm too – but he’s only selling ad space on his leg because he doesn’t have a prosthetic arm – between all of the amputee jokes (from everyone but Kellie) we determined that Barry’s prosthetic ad space may be a tad too small for our standard KKITM logo – but it’s not a complete lost cause – he still may have a leg to stand on – get it?  leg to stand on – yeah, never mind

SHOWBIZ TOP 5

#5 – Fantasia Barrino is about to evicted from her house

#4 – Lil Wayne’s daughter celebrated her 10^th birthday and got a diamond necklace and a stack of $100 bills

#3 – Travis McCoy of Gym Class Heroes says Katy Perry saved his life

#2 – Oprah says her weight is back to 200 pounds

#1 – Robert Pattinson is afraid for his life because he thinks fans will take the storyline too far

BRITNEY SONG

If you ask teenage girls if they want to be famous, I bet 99% of them would say yes – they probably don’t even care for what – they just see the glitz and glam of Young Hollywood and would jump into it head first – but I bet if Britney had to do it all over again, she would go a totally different route – did she really want to be famous or did she just want to sing and dance and perform – regardless, she’s in the thick of it now and there is no turning back -  this Christian artist, Bebo Norman, thought the same thing and wrote a song called “Britney” – it’s kind of an apology song to Britney about what our culture does to young girls like Britney – it’s a cool song – check it out …

WHAT’S A GUY LIKE YOU DOING IN A PLACE LIKE THIS?

I’m pretty sure the obvious question is “why did you wait til the last minute to put gas in your car” – Kidd was on the highway in a not so safe part of town and realized he was about to run out of gas – so he exits off the highway and pulls in to the nearest gas station which is also the scariest gas station in the area – Kidd jumps out of the car and tries to pump gas as quickly as possible – of course, a this point – he’s having the internal debate about whether he should just get a couple of dollars and try and head to another gas station or go ahead and fill up and not have to make another stop – of course while he’s having this internal debate with himself, a 1980’s 5.0 Mustang pulls up next to him – the Mustang is rolling on 20s, has dark tinted windows and has 2 guys sitting in it – Kidd is standing between the gas pump and the driver’s side of the car and is on the very last pump – the Mustang is on the other side of Kidd’s car and is basically right next to it – now Kidd is getting nervous and has to make a judgment call – he decides to make a run for it but wants to move slowly as not to attract any attention – so he pulls the pump out of the car and is trying to lay it down on the ground so that the guys can’t tell that Kidd is done pumping gas – in the meantime, the gas station (which was previously like a party going on) has become a ghost town – it’s about 6pm so it’s getting dark and all of a sudden, the guy in the passenger seat gets out of the car and starts to head towards Kidd – the driver rolls down his window and says, “hey yo” – and at that very minute, a police car pulls into the parking lot and the guy gets back in the Mustang and they slowly pull away – the police officer comes over to Kidd and asks him if he’s okay – Kidd tells him everything is fine and then the officer asks him what he’s doing there – Kidd says, “getting gas” and the officer says “NO, what are you doing here?” – um, heading home Mr. Officer!

Now were these guys really going to kill Kidd?  I don’t think so – I mean, they could have been coming to tell him anything  …

5. Excuse me sir but this isn’t a safe part of town – let me escort you out of here

4. Hey – aren’t you Kidd Kraddick?  I need some fashion tips – can you go shopping with me

3. Wow – my friend and I can’t believe it’s you – here’s a check for Kidd’s Kids

2. I heard you were good at tennis back in the day – who’s better a player?  John McEnroe or Boris Becker?

1. How much is your gas sir?  I’d like to pay it forward

Or ..

Yo Kidd, tell Al he gave my sister something and it wasn’t a present!!  Uh oh.

NEW MUSIC TUESDAY

Brandy – Human
Collective Soul – Afterwards
Maroon 5 – Call and Response: The Remix Album
Common – Universal Mind Control
Avant – Avant

The movie Dark Knight comes out today and Kidd wants it – and even though someone might get it for him for Christmas – and even though if he buys it now, he probably won’t watch it for a month – he desperately wants to go buy it … today – why?  Because he’s Kidd Kraddick – and he steals gift giving joy

FUNNIEST CONVERSATION OF THE SHOW

“Kellie, which bowl game are you most excited about” – Kidd

“Uhhh … the Superbowl!!” – Kellie

FUNNIEST BIT OF THE SHOW

The recreation of Big Al the Effeminate Elf and Flynn “a big Fan of the Show” – TOTALLY kPod worthy

“SAVE THAT “OF THE DAY

“If you know me, you know I hate wearing pants” – Kidd

THINGS YOU MIGHT HEAR ON TODAY’S SHOW

Kellie has a cold, Emma Kelly has a fever and the nanny has a hangover

Big Al says it’s hard to look cool wearing an elf costume

J Si’s dog was the only one that pooped on the floor – out of 40 dogs

Shanon is still harboring t-shirt envy

Sexy Jack had his first enchilada

Kidd and J Si are fighting over who is responsible for ruining Kellie’s life

HIZZLE

O.J. has been sentenced to 15 years in prison

Jessica Simpson is shacking up with Tony Romo

Shia LeBeouf had to back out of a movie because of the injury to his hand

There could be a Gossip Girl spin off

HIGHLIGHT

When we left off, (3 Appletini) Kellie was on the phone with her BFF Heaven telling her how she was about to get a little something-something started with Dr. Ivan … we pick up today with Kellie debating on whether it would be appropriate for Dr. Ivan to perform her plastic surgery – after all, isn’t there some type of Hippocratic Oath thing that says you can’t perform surgery on someone that you know “intimately” – and despite the fact that Kellie shared (or overshared) “Dates Gone Horribly Wrong” “stories with Dr. Ivan, he wanted to take her home (or back to his hotel)  anyway –  after having time to think about the “private sharing” that Kellie had done with Dr. Ivan, she asked him if Dr. Booty would need to reclaim his original plastic surgery duties (I said doodies) – Dr. Ivan seemed to think that it would be okay if he and Dr. Booty shared duties (I said doodies again) in a “Ivan up top, Booty down low” kind of thing which of course sent Kellie into an even more obsessive state than she already was – as if that moment with Dr. Booty and what Kellie calls the “vial of the unknown substance that makes you shake all over”wasn’t enough – then there was that 3;30am text message from Dr. Booty saying “Can we talk about last night?” – DUHN DUHN DUHN …

I have to say – I’m enjoying this book more and more every day – especially when Kellie fussed at Kidd saying, “You are trying to make this so awkward for me” – NOOOOO – ya’ think??  And despite Kellie’s plea about her plastic surgeon, “I’m praying that he doesn’t listen, and that his office doesn’t listen and his wife doesn’t listen – and his children that are still in school that have to go to school every day and may be thinking that their father is doing something scurrilous, aren’t listening …”, I cannot wait until tomorrow!

IT’S BEGINNING TO LOOK LIKE A CRAIGSLIST CHRISTMAS

• There’s less than 3 weeks left until Christmas, so if you need a creative gift, this may be the place for you!
• 3 tubes of dandruff cream that have never been used – he’s like to sell it to three different people – but not if you’re going to resell it
• A free 32 inch TV purchased in Japan sound – it’s free because the sound only kind of works and the picture doesn’t work at all – but it’s free to a good home
• Pine needles and pine cones – but only the ones in the front yard because there really aren’t any in the backyard – so don’t go back there – and if you want the pine needles, be sure to bring your own rake because he won’t be letting you use his – you can also take them from off the roof but you’ll need to bring your own ladder – and if you’re gonna sell them … well, then that’s okay
• Free horse manure to be used for your compost – you can take all you want – they have more coming every day
• For one stop shopping, check out the guy who has a little bit of everything – a fancy schmancy Star Wars beer stein, 2 hard back beer books – Beers of the World and Beer for Pete’s Sake, a mini electric food chopper, a big bag of men’s neckties and red chili pepper shaped salt and pepper shakers
• A free hot tub – it’s leaky and drains itself – he’s not sure where the leak is coming from – but you can use it to water your lawn, deck, yard or garage – it’s a Coleman 411 5 person tub and comes with a cover, pumps and heater
• 3 gallons of used canola oil – it was used for cooking French fries and while it’s pretty clear, it does have some sediment from the fries – he’s been saving it since the summer but he’s not planning no saving it anymore
• A 1996 Ford Taurus – he’s selling his sister’s car for $550 because she’s in jail and clearly doesn’t need it anymore – fyi, the back part of the car got burned up in a drug deal gone wrong
• A shoebox full of greeting cards – birthday, anniversary and get well cards – he’ll white out all the personal parts so that they’ll be good as new
• This guy’s Girls Gone Wild videos are for sale for $5-10 each because he’s getting married and wants to sell them before his fiancée throws them away
• A free boyfriend – she wants you to take him to Houston … or anywhere far away – she’ll even put him in some nice clothes and get his haircut

*** WE INTERRUPT THIS EPISODE OF CRAIGSLIST CHRISTMAS FOR THIS IMPORTANT COMMERCIAL BREAK***

Kidd Kraddick in the Morning is anxious to respond to the Craig’s List ad for the man who is renting out his prosthetic limb as advertising space – he lost his leg in a motorcycle accident about 3 years ago and is looking to rent out the space on his leg – he hates to wear pants and people are already staring, so why not put that leg to good use

“I SHOULDN’T BE HERE”

What should have been a stellar party night for Kellie turned into – well, you can decide what to call it… Auntie Crazy aka Haven came to spend the night with Emma Kelly because Kellie was told she would need a babysitter from 7pm to 3am – so, in order to avoid the whole “I have to get home to relieve the sitter”, Kellie planned accordingly – but looking back, maybe using the sitter excuse wouldn’t have been such a bad idea – the plan was for Kellie to hang out with J Si and his buddy Paul serving as wingmen – and somewhere along the way, Kidd was added to the mix – the original thought was for everyone to meet at Paul’s so that they could have dinner “catered in” – that sounds good, right?  Except Paul’s idea of catering is 5 boxes of pizza from Pizza Hut – now , there’s nothing wrong with Pizza Hut but it wasn’t exactly what Kellie had in mind when she heard “catered in” – but whatev – by the time Kidd got there, the scene included Paul’s friend Reggie and his buddy, Paul’s “friend”, the hot Dallas Maverick Dancer (who was less than good for Kellie’s fragile emotional state), J Si, Paul and Kellie nursing a vodka tonic – I’m pretty sure the guys could sense Kellie’s less than enthusiastic attitude so they headed to the club – and maybe that was part of the problem – because some people are club people and some people are bar people – and well, Kellie – not so much for the club – now keep in mind that Kellie was already feeling a little bit under the weather and had to talk herself into going because she would have much rather stayed at home – and even though she sucked it up, 20 minutes into being at the club – Kellie’d had enough – it didn’t matter that Kidd had spent $58 on the first round of drinks or the fact that the boys were working hard to get her into 5 drink Kellie mode – it just wasn’t happening – but instead of being Debbie Downer and bringing everyone else down, Kellie thought she’d use the “I have to run to the bathroom” excuse and then run for the door – and her plan would have worked if it hadn’t been for Kidd trying to be all gentleman-like and escorting her to the bathroom – then here comes J Si and Kellie now has her own personal entourage – so of course at this point, Kellie has to do what she was trying to avoid and explain that she is completely over it – in the midst of her “I shouldn’t be here” speech, tears start to well up in her eyes and of course Kidd “Mr. I’m Uncomfortable With Female Tears” Kraddick stands there not knowing what to do while Kellie heads into the bathroom – 20 minutes later, Kidd and J Si (probably looking like oogey men standing outside the women’s bathroom) realize that something is up and send a girl in to check on Kellie – well of course she had to be a listener – she runs in to check on Kellie and reports back with “yeah she’s in there – she’s bawling her head off” – very nice.  So Kellie emerges with a tear stained face and the guys walk her to the valet line – Kellie takes off as quickly as she can – Kidd and J Si go back in the club but Kidd makes his escape soon after – and all of a sudden, J Si looks around and everyone is gone – even Paul – so what should have been a night of 5 drink Kellie flirting shamelessly with hot boys turned into J Si standing around in the club with Reggie – good times.

KINSEY!!!

Kinsey was invited to party with Kellie and the boys but decided to go to a friend’s Christmas party instead – but that didn’t stop her from calling in with advice for Kellie on how to catch a man – because who would know how to catch a man better than Kinsey?  And if J Si doesn’t hurry up and ask that girl to marry him, Kinsey’s going to be taking her own advice – oops – was that in my outside of my head typing voice?  Sorry.

So first Kellie is supposed to start out with some personalized girly stationery – then she has to make sure that she has either a pink or lavender pen – then she needs to write down the following rules for future reference:

1.       Wear something that shows off your star body part – if you’re Kinsey, that would be your booty, legs, chest, shoulders, chest and feet

2.       Do a couple of shots – like maybe 5

3.       Go to a super crowded club

4.       Pick a dude who is hot and has a lot of muscles and also has a car and a job – then go up behind him and whisper in his ear “you’re hot!!”

5.       Next, lose yourself in the crowd after you tell him he’s hot and go to the opposite end of the bar and wait for him to find you – when he finally finds you, leave with his best friend

And now you’ve got yourself a man!

COLBIE CAILLAT LIVE IN STUDIO

You can go ahead and add Colbie to the list of extremely laid back interviews on KKITM – to the point where I almost had to pinch myself to stay awake

Colbie is on her first solo tour and just got off tour with John Mayer

You’ll never find her posing for Maxim

Colbie’s dad is Ken Caillat who produced for Fleetwood Mac

The “I heard my song on the radio while working in a tanning salon and quit immediately” story is completely false, along with most of the other facts on her Wikipedia page

Colbie knows all the words to “Notorious Thugs” by Notorious B.I.G.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL

Blah-blah-blah … any questions?

SHOWBIZ TOP 5

#5 – The Pussycat Dolls are opening for Britney Spears

#4 – Andrew Wilson (the not famous Wilson brother) knocked out a paparazzi and broke his arm when he got too close to Owen

#3 – Shia LeBeouf had to pull out of a movie because of his injured hand

#2 – Blake Incarcerated is asking Amy Winehouse’s manager for $1.6 million to walk away from Amy

#1 – The Jonas Brothers are NOT breaking up

NATIONAL DRESS UP LIKE SANTA AND GO OUT AND DRINK DAY

Apparently in party people world, Friday was the day that all party people have designated to dress up like Santa and participate in drunken debauchery – why the party people feel the need to desecrate Santa, I have no idea – but I’m just going to take Al’s word for it – now Big Al, already having an elf costume on hand for another bit, decided to head to “National Dress Up Like Santa And Go Out And Drink Day” dressed as an elf rather than Santa – this will become important later – because elves don’t typically have pockets, Al put his keys and his wallet in his buddy’s glove compartment and then handed off his Blackberry to some girl – and of course in typical Big Al fashion, after several alcohol treats Al lost his friends – so there Al is in his Effeminate Elf costume with no phone, no money and no keys to his car – but that’s okay, because one of Al’s friend had a hotel room nearby and told Al he could crash there for the night – I’m guessing that Big Al was more like Big Drunk Al because he took his friend up on the plan and managed to crash through the night even after his friend showed up in the middle of the night with a girl who immediately asked, “Why is there a black guy dressed up like an elf in your bed?” – just another typical night out with Big Al *** shakes head*** – anyway, al woke up the next morning with things no different than the fact that Al was no longer drunk – still no phone, no money and no keys to his car and still dressed like the Effeminate Elf – but Al’s buddy took pity on him and gave him $40 to take a cab home in the hopes that his neighbor was awake (at 7:30am on a Saturday) so that Al could get the spare key – but no such luck – instead, all walked the perimeter of his house (Dressed like the Effeminate Elf) checking the windows on the off chance one was still open – finally he remembered that he had a spare key hidden from a few months ago and was able to get into the house – but he still had no car keys, money or phone – well, he had his house phone, but he couldn’t remember anyone’s number and the few numbers he could remember wouldn’t answer because no one recognized his home phone number – with things starting to look bleak -Al decided to change clothes – which is when Flynn’s (some girl he’d met the night before) phone number fell out of his Effeminate Elfin tights – “hi, this is Big Al, I met you last night – I was dressed like an elf …” – Flynn took pity on poor Al and not only came to his rescue, but spent the rest of the day with Al and even did a bit with him – so why is it that Al asked some random chick he met at a bar (while watching college football) to be his date to the office Christmas party