Kidd Kraddick Remix

FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE SHOW

Kidd saying weiner

JACK’S BRITISH MOMENT OF THE DAY

Pronouncing protégé as “pro-teege”

KIDD’S “I’M A GIRL” MOMENT

Kidd really wants to see Bride Wars – um, okay …

MY FAVORITE MOMENT OF THE SHOW

Shanon singing Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” – when she finished she said, “I heard myself in my headphones – I was so good!!” – I love that girl!

OOGEY MOMENT OF THE DAY

Jack bought himself a massage for his birthday while his girlfriend is out of town – alright, alright, alright …

THINGS KIDD COMPLAINED ABOUT TODAY

Kellie’s throat is scratchy from having the tube in her throat during the surgery which is causing her to cough a little here and there – of course Kidd was completely annoyed by that and suggested she go to the doctor – it’s not whooping cough, dude – it’s scratchy throat

SELF FULFILLING PROPHECIES

Today was our second day back from vacay and Kidd started off the morning by announcing that we were basically going to suck today – he says it’s because the first day back after a break, we’re always really strong and the second day we hit a wall – I think everything would have been fine if he hadn’t said anything, but he pigeonholed us with the negative thought – I will say that today’s show didn’t completely suck – there were some really funny bits – but there were a couple of things I could have done without – we’ll go with B-, there was still more good than bad!

THINGS YOU MIGHT HEAR ON TODAY’S SHOW

Kellie missed The Bachelor because her cable was out all last night

Big Al talked to Lactacia (the girl he hit on while she was breastfeeding) yesterday for 40 minutes

J Si has never seen so many dudes cry as he did on “Bromance”

Shanon says that all 25 of the women on The Bachelor are ugly

Sexy Jack’s birthday is today and no one knew

HIZZLE

Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O’Connell had twin baby girls, Dolly Rebecca Rose and Charlie Tamara Tulip

Lindsay Lohan says that she and Samantha have NOT broken up

Jessica Simpson appears in the Dallas Cowboys Cookbook that is presented by the wives of the players

Jett Travolta died of a seizure

CONSUMER WATCH

The whole country is on sale!  At least according to Kidd – I realize that retailers are putting everything on sale to encourage spending, but with millions of people out of work and no end in sight, I doubt there are a ton of people who have a lot of money to blow on luxuries like vacations – besides, Christmas just ended – but if you’re one of those people who has the extra cash and you’re willing to spend it – you can get great deals on new phones, houses (if you’re in the market), cruise vacations and printers (on Amazon.com) – check out Kayak.com for last minute travel, cheapfares.com for flights and ShopSavvyOnline.com for your phone

LACTACIA

Big Al has somehow developed a “relationship” with the chick he hit on while she was nursing her baby – he’s named her Lactacia – I feel dirty just typing that …

THE BREAK WHERE KIDD THREW J SI UNDER THE BUS

Kelly Jo (Kinsey’s sister who lives with J Si and Kinsey)is back from her trip to Africa with her grandmother which means that the roommates that have been occupying her room are now gone – so Kidd took that opportunity to throw J Si under the bus by saying that he liked the roommates WAY more than Kelly Jo and that he’s REALLY going to miss them – they cooked authentic Mexican food every day, they didn’t have random boys coming to the house at all hours of the night – over all, pretty great  roommates – and now here comes Kelly Jo – but now that she’s home, J Si will have some good drama to bring to the show – at least according to Kidd

SEXY JACK’S BIG BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION

Poor Jack – Kidd (who clearly forgot about Jack’s birthday) tried to act like he’s had this big birthday surprise planned – and since he didn’t have anything tangible to give to Jack, Kidd had to come up with something inanimate to support his lie surprise – voila – look Jack – your very own bit!!  and since the bit was planned in about 2 minutes, it didn’t even have a creative title – just what it actually was … “Sexy Jack Does Impressions Of Famous Americans And Famous American Scenes With No Preparation Whatsoever” – the first scene – the “You can’t handle the truth!!” scene from A Few Good Men – except Sexy Jack had NO idea what that was – so you can imagine how Sexy Jack’s American impression of Jack Nicholson went – next up was Sexy Jack impersonating President Clinton denying the Monica Lewinsky allegations – except the only thing he had to go off of was Kidd’s impersonation of President Clinton – suffice it to say, the impersonations were really bad – and not only did we have to suffer through the bit (which actually wasn’t THAT bad), but Jack doesn’t like cake – so instead of getting to partake in birthday cake today – we had a fruit tray, at Jack’s request – yes, I know it’s his birthday BLAH-BLAH-BLAH – but the only reason we even bother with birthdays around here is so that we can have cake!  At least Lindsay had the good sense to pick up some cookies for us sugar fiends – silly Brits – who doesn’t like cake?

MOVIE TALK

This break could also have been called the A.D.D. Break of the Day – the show saw a couple of the big movies over the break but we never really got to talk in depth about any of them – Kidd saw Milk but didn’t really say how it was – I think he was trying to say it was good but he kept getting interrupted – Al asked about Seven Pounds but no one has seen it – J Si saw Slum Dog Millionaire and loved it – we’ve heard Marley and Me is really good but really sad – Kidd saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and said it was good but long – then while talking about Valkyrie, we asked if Tom Cruise had ever done a movie where he had an accent – a listener called and said yes, Far and Away – then somehow we got into a discussion about Mongolian Barbeque – welcome to Kidd Kraddick in the Morning

BEAN AND CHEESE PRODUCTION aka J SI, THE BABYSITTER

J Si was hanging out with his buddy Bobby in San Diego and decided to tag along when Bobby took his 4 and 5 year old nieces to Sea World – you knew it was going to go badly when they started off the trip with one of the girls making fun of J Si’s jacked up toes – then one of the girls calls a woman fat and then questions whether someone is a man or a woman – kids … gotta love ‘em – so after entertaining the girls with food and drink, the girls have to use the bathroom – so J Si and Bobby decide to take turns taking the girls to the bathroom – J Si takes Emily and decides that the best course of action is to take her into the men’s restroom with him – he takes her into the stall and wipes the seat off (after being told the routine by Emily) and then stands her by the sink so that J Si can take care of his own business at the urinal – now J Si is standing behind the wall (where the urinal is) and the stalls are on the other side – all of a sudden, J Si hears a guy in the stall with some stomach issues and then he hears Emily saying, “I see you going poop – you’re going poo poo” – then he hears her say, “you have a mustache like my daddy” – Emily is bent down on the floor (ew.) peeking under the stall at the man with the tummy issues and J Si is in the middle of taking care of his business yelling, “Emily – get away from there!!” – finally J Si finishes up, he grabs Emily and high tails it out of the bathroom – but Emily, who has clearly been taught good hygiene, begins to scream and cry and yell, “you didn’t wash your hands after you went pee-pee  - no, no – you didn’t wash your hands”  and where did J Si and Emily have to pass by on the way out?  The women’s bathroom – no J Si, I’m sure you didn’t look like a child molester – not.at.all!!!

J Si’s bathroom experience led to a discussion of potty training kids and this video – OMG – talk about hilarious – just for the record, this may not be safe for work – there is no real nudity but you do see the wee-wee (as J Si called it) or the wiener (like Kidd said)  of a baby doll -

anyway – the best part of the break was Al (of course!) – now keep in mind that the show was listening to the audio and hadn’t actually seen the commercial – but still – when Al asked “Is it a man doll?”, I just about lost it – “A man doll? Why would you be potty training a grown man doll?” Kidd said – “What do you think – it’s nursing home grand-dad?” of course that then prompted an impromptu skit of Big Al calling Toys R Us to inquire about the availability of said Grown Up Potty Training Doll:

“Do you have a grown man doll?  Anatomically correct?  fully developed?  unshaven?   I’m trying to teach myself how to potty train myself with a grown man doll … I’m character perverted stupid man!!”  I laughed so hard, my side hurt

SHOWBIZ TOP 5

#5 – Tommy Lee has a rule for backstage – if you come in, you have to remove an article of clothing

#4 – Queen Latifah’s hotel room was robbed in Tobago while she was at a party thrown for her by employees – hmmmm

#3 – Playboy is paying Aubrey O’Day $500,000 to pose naked (as if she wouldn’t do it for free)

#2 – Usher spent New Year’s Eve with his wife Tameka so maybe they’re working it out

#1 – Lindsay Lohan blogged on her MySpace that she and Samantha Ronson did NOT break up

DON’T LET YOUR MOUTH WRITE A CHECK YOUR BUTT CANT CASH

Ok – first let me say that Kidd almost always has good intentions – especially when he offers to do something for someone – and he’s very generous – and in our industry, Kidd is a pretty big deal (though he’ll try to tell you otherwise), so it’s not often that Kidd asks for something that he can’t get done – so fast forward to Christmas – Brenda is the president of this crazy operation and is  HUGE Celine Dion fan – Celine Dion is to Brenda what Barry Manilow is to Kidd (check out that SAT analogy) and Celine was in town last night – so with the help of Haven from Texas Tickets, Kidd got Brenda and her people great seats to see Celine – but that wasn’t enough – Kidd decided to sing Brenda a song and surprise her even further with the news that she would get to meet Celine – the problem is, Celine isn’t really doing the whole Meet and Greet thing anymore – now, when she’s done with a show, she flies back home right after the show while the rest of the tour crew stays in town and travels with all the stuff to the next town – and then Celine just meets them in the next concert city – but that’s no problem, because Kidd is good friends with Lee Lipsner, the big wig record guy at Columbia, which is Celine’s label – so Kidd starts working every angle e can think of, but it is NOT looking good – and Kidd is probably going to have to substitute dinner which I think we can all agree is not nearly as exciting as meeting your idol – but all of a sudden, emails and texts start flying and all of a sudden it goes from “looking better” and “there’s a chance” to an email CCing Celine’s husband Rene Angelil (which must be said in Kellie Rasberry’s Celine Dion impersonation voice) – all of a sudden, we’re talking to Brenda (who is on her way to the office) and she is telling us how she spent 30 minutes backstage at the Celine Dion concert hanging out with Celine, her husband Rene and Emmitt Smith (of the Dallas Cowboys and Dancing with the Stars) and his wife, Pat – Lee was able to work his magic and make Kidd look like a rock star by hooking Brenda up – Brenda said it was just them and that Celine was completely amazing (as you can imagine) – she said Celine was very gracious and very sweet and that she was totally star struck by Emmitt – there were pictures and hugs and kisses – she talked about her son and told them that she was currently based in Houston – she talked about her son’s tutor and the tutor’s husband who was a cop but is now on Celine’s security team!  Brenda came in to the office this morning floating and sporting her backstage pass – I’m not sure she’ll ever take it off!  I know I give Kidd a hard time (cause he usually deserves it!), but when he comes through, he comes through BIG!!!

THE RETURN OF REGULAR TV PROGRAMMING

We ended the show with one of my favorite topics – TV!!  Now that the holidays are over, all of the shows are returning with their regularly scheduled programming – but there are also some new ones – here are some of the highlights:

The Bachelor – a show i never got into – I watched 2 episodes the second season because my ex-BFF was on it, but after that I bailed – I think this show has completely jumped the shark but everyone I know is watching it!

American Idol – BO-RING – another show I haven’t watched regularly since Season 1 – but I hear it will be a kinder, gentler season and less of the crappy auditions and more focus on the good ones

Battlestar Galactica – according to Little Andrew, it’s the longest running Sci Fi show ever – or maybe it’s Dr. Who – um, how about Dr. WHO CARES!!

Big Love – I LOVE LOVE LOVE Big Love – so interesting – especially since there are wackos who really live like this – yeah, don’t email me – if you have multiple wives, you’re a wacko!

The Biggest Loser – Kellie SWEARS that I will love this show, so I’m getting on bored – I’ve never seen it, but if Kellie says it, I believe it – cause she’s my favorite

Curb Your Enthusiasm – greatness.  pure greatness.

Damages – some show with Glenn Close as a killer lawyer – not.interested.  even if Kellie does recommend it

Flight of the Concords – awkward comedy that Kidd says will be great

The L Word – SHANON!!!!

Scrubs – moving to ABC

The City – completely uninteresting MTV “reality” featuring Whitney – I can’t help it – I have to watch.

I’d hang around and write some more but I have Tivo to watch!