Kidd Kraddick Remix

FUNNIEST LINE OF THE SHOW

“Ouch doesn’t make it feel better – only hard consonants that start with F make it feel better!” – Kidd talking about times you have to cuss – like when there’s an injury to the manhood

THE THING AL SAID THAT MADE ME LAUGH

“I’m a pooping machine” – totally out of context and not nearly as funny if I tell you the story – so I won’t – we’ll just listen to the drop over and over again!

THE THING KIDD SAID THAT MADE ME LAUGH

“Kellie, I’ve been having problems with relationships, so I just bought He’s Just Not That Into You”- Kidd making fun of Al buying the book Skinny B

THINGS I LEARNED ON TODAY’S SHOW

Biotin will make your hair grow

THINGS YOU MIGHT HEAR ON TODAY’S SHOW

Kellie is itching in 2 very inconvenient places

Big Al doesn’t know how Jack Bauer is going to save the world this time

J Si almost got into a full blown brawl at Target

Sexy Jack and Brit had their first fight of 2009 and it was all because of The Bachelor

THE BACHELOR BLAH-BLAH-BLAH

The Bachelor was on last night and it seems like I’m not the only one who has soured on Jason since yesterday’s phoner with him – the show seems to have lost a little of their love but there are still women who LOVE this dude – and a few guys – like 33 year old, straight Mike who called to tell us that he’s in love with Jason, the Bachelor – Mike says Jason is good looking, has a great smile and attracts hot women – he’s the ultimate wing man – I guess – Kidd pointed out that it’s usually a HUGE red flag when a guy spends a lot of time telling you “I’m a nice guy” and “I’m genuine” – and guess who falls in to that category?  I guess we’ll see how that plays out – I mean, the dude is already mugging down with every chick on the show and it’s only week 2 – how genuine is that?  Whatev – another random Bachelor story – when J Si, Sexy Jack and Jenna were at the Bachelor/Bachelorette audition, Jeremy (who came in 3^rd place on the last Bachelorette) was there trying to audition for the show again – and when he introduced himself to people, guess what his intro was – “Hi, I’m Jeremy from the bachelorette – I came in 3^rd place …” – BWAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

HIZZLE

Megan Fox is mad because her fiancé Brian Austin Green skipped the Golden Globes

Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen are officially engaged

Howie Mandel was hospitalized with an irregular heartbeat, NOT a heart attack

Britney Spears is looking for a Harvard graduate to run her Internets stuff

DOCTOR, DOCTOR – GIVE ME THE NEWS …

Kidd was on The Doctors show yesterday and as much as Kidd hates to be on TV, he looked great!!  they filmed the show right after we got back from the Kidd’s Kids trip and surprised Kidd with a special thank you video from Jacob, a Kidd’s Kid who lives in Illinois – Jacob is blind and had never ridden an escalator, so that was his big experience at Disney – he and Kidd must have gone on the escalator a million times – and at the end of the trip, he rode it alone!  The other surprise was when Jay McGraw (Dr. Phil’s son who produces the show) showed up with a surprise from the Dr. Phil Foundation – a $10,000 check for Kidd’s Kids – how cool is that?

‘ZINE SCENE

Things we learned in today’s edition of ‘Zine Scene …

Jenna sometimes sprays perfume on her hair if it’s dirty and she doesn’t want to take a shower

Rubbing thick moisturizing cream on your cold sores is supposed to help – AL!!!!

You should smell a guy’s sweat to see if he’s into you (smells like teen spirit) – or you can just read that book, He’s Just Not That Into You

KIDD KRADDICK IN THE MORNING – THE NIGHTCLUB

So the KKITM club was supposed to open last night but based on the noise, we’re still under construction – you would think that the last minute touches would be things like paint and trim – but apparently Kidd made some last minute changes to the DJ booth (imagine that!) so they’re still working on the club – of course that didn’t stop the show from working on some promotional ideas for our new 24 hour club – Kellie requested Jive Turkey Night and J Si asked for Angry Small Breasted Pioneer Woman Night, but the best idea was Honky Night – Bring a honky, get in free – of course the idea behind Honky night doesn’t have anything to do with race – it’s all about Kidd’s amusement by repeating the word “honky” – yes, we are all 10 years old

THE REAL REASON AL ISN’T EATING MEAT

Yesterday, Al announced that he’s only eating fish for the next 30 days – he also mentioned that he left his favorite hangout (Primo’s ) to go buy a book over the weekend – and now it’s all come together – Big Al is reading that crazy book, Skinny B – there are a couple of things wrong with this situation – the first being that the book is geared towards women – so for Big Al to be reading it is crazy – second, who really thinks that Al is going to eliminate all animal products for a full month – come on!!  but he is starting off well – he even went out into the hall this morning so that he could read 2 chapters before he show started – now, I know what you’re thinking because we asked ourselves the same question – but no, Al did not take Skinny B to the Number 2 bathroom – just the hallway – anyway, I’ll be interested to see if he sticks with it – and if he loses any weight!

BEAN AND CHEESE PRODUCTION

This week’s Bean and Cheese production was about Kellie’s chronic cough – the song itself was funny – but all it really did was lead into yet another discussion between Kidd and Kellie about her cough – Kellie says that she has been to the doctor and has taken every medication under the sun and basically it’s just something that will eventually get better – but Kidd thinks the cough could be alleviated with a quick trip to the doctor but wants Kellie to see his special throat doctor instead of her regular “physician” – oh, will it ever end?

JUST STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT, PEOPLE!!

Kellie just spent the last 6 months redecorating the house that she bought when she and Freddie were married – she got the house in the divorce even though she didn’t really love it, and afterwards decided to remodel – a job that was supposed to take a couple of months turned into 6 and now Kellie just found out that she’s going to have to have some foundation work done – this, of course, is in addition to the foundation work that was done by the previous owner and has something to do with a sump pump – I have no idea what a sump pump is it sounds like it has something to do with plumbing – and that’s never good!

MUSIC THAT MAKES YOU COOLER

Krista -Temporary Insanity – check her out on myspace.com/krista

Utada  Hikaru – from Japan – she’s the biggest selling Japanese artist of all time

Gabrielle Cilmi – from Australia – nothing sweet about me

And the new Kelly Clarkson single, “My Life Would Suck Without You” – WOO HOO – it’s about time!!

SHOWBIZ TOP 5

#5 – Blake Incarcerated is divorcing Amy Winehouse for adultery – oh no, Blakey Incarcerated!!

#4 – Howie Mandel did NOT have a heart attack – can you imagine that germaphobe as a patient?

#3 – Sandra Bullock and Jesse James are taking care of his daughter because her mom is in jail – NICE …

#2 – Lil Wayne donated $200,000 to restore the playground he grew up on in New Orleans – Lil Wayne loves the kids

#1 – The Blink 182 reunion tour is on hold until the band is sure they can work together again - I bet Shanna is to blame!

IT TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE

J Si and Kinsey took a trip to Target yesterday and as all 10 year old boys do, J Si immediately headed for the ty department – while he was there, he came across the GI Joe Action vehicle  - while he was checking it out, this kid who looked to be about 8 years old came up to J SI and said that he wanted to see it – so J Si  showed him where they were on the shelf – except the kid wanted to see the one J Si was holding on to – but rather than J Si taking the high road (or the role of the adult) and giving the kid the toy, J Si tried to explain that they were all the same – well, the kid wasn’t too impressed with that because he looked J Si dead in the eye and said with attitude, “fine be-yotch” – oh lord.  “Excuse me?” J Si said – the kid looked at J Si and repeated, “You heard me … be-yotch” – very nice.  So J Si asked him where his mom was and the kid responded with the classic 8 year old come back, “why don’t you go hump a cat’s tail” - Luckily Kinsey happened to walk up at that time and calmed J SI down before he could throw down in Target with an 8 year old – J Si still decided to follow the kid and even saw him in the checkout line with his mom – I think he wanted to say something but I guess thought better of it when the kid stuck his tongue out at J Si while he standing right next to his mom – I don’t know – my first instinct would have been to say something to the mom, but then my guess is that she already knows she has a bad-ass kid and doesn’t really care!

I CAN MAKE ANYBODY CUSS

Kidd proudly bragged that he can he make anyone cuss – he said that he even made his priest cuss because he was so frustrated with Kidd – I’m not sure that Kidd should be viewing this is some sort of accomplished talent, but I can attest to the fact that it is true – before I worked here, I had completely stopped cussing – and I had quite the potty mouth before – and now it seems I’ve come full circle!  Anyway, Kidd is looking for parents who are 100%, absolutely sure that their kids will not cuss – because Kidd is sure that they will – if that’s you, send Kidd an email – kidd@kiddnation.com with the word “cussing” in the subject line

PASS THE PEANUT

The idea behind pass the peanut is to say something nice about whomever you pass the peanut to – then they have to pass it on and say something nice about whoever they pass the peanut to – so Kidd started:

Kidd gave it to J Si and said he loved that J Si went to the toy section at Target

J Si gave it to Kellie and thanked her for throwing him the best birthday party

Kellie gave it to Jack because he gave her the sweetest Christmas card that she kept for a while before throwing it away

Jack gave it to Al because he always comes in with a smile on his face

Al gave it to Kidd for showing a genuine appreciation for his Christmas present

Kidd gave it to Shanon because he loves to see the smile on her face

Shanon gave it to J Si because he makes her laugh and she loves to read his blog

J Si gave it to Kellie because her new boobs are awesome

Kellie gave it to Al because he always comes to do manly duties (I said duties) at her house whenever she calls

Al gave it back to Kellie because her attitude is better now that she has new boobs

Kellie gave it to Kidd for doing a good job on The Doctors

Kidd gave it to Kellie because he’s looking forward to traveling with her (and her new boobs)

Kellie gave it to Jack for politely tolerating her sexual advances

Jack gave it to Kellie because he’s able to look at her (and her new boobs) every day – are you sensing a trend here??

Kellie gave it to Shanon because Shanon listens to Kellie badmouth people

Shanon gave it back to Kellie for letting Shanon badmouth back without repeating it

Kellie gave it to J Si and thanked him for not being Rich (as in Shertenlieb, not as in wealthy)

J Si gave it back to Kellie for allowing him to come over on Thanksgiving

And then the peanut was back to Kellie … AGAIN – And with that Kellie announced she had run out of nice things to say about people – including Kidd – whom she only had one nice thing to say about during the whole peanut passing game – hmm …