BAD LOOKING OUT
Big Al declaring “I got it” when we needed someone to do the Barack Obama impression – hmmm … not good
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY TOLD ME MOMENT OF THE DAY
Kidd tried to do the “Ian” bit but no one would let him get through it without interrupting him – FUNNY!
FUNNIEST CONVERSATION OF THE SHOW
J Si saw a band from New Orleans called The Vettes which prompted this conversation
Kellie: I had a Fiero
Kidd: I had a Chevette
Kellie: I had 2 Fieros
Oooh, BURN Kidd Kraddick
FUNNIEST THING BIG AL SAID
Talking about putting The Bible in Oprah’s Book Club – because all books in Oprah’s Book Club are successful!
J SI’S “I’M GAY” MOMENT
J Si went for Guys Night Out at Medieval Times with his “homies”
KELLIE RASBERRY’S ANTI-DIVA MOMENT
Kellie singing the Sesame Street “I Love Trash” song by Oscar the Grouch
KELLIE RASBERRY’S DIVA MOMENT
Kellie took Emma Kelly to church on Sunday – she said she almost didn’t go because her friend was going to brunch at one of her favorite places and she had this whole “BRUUUUNCH” moment where she had to make a choice – which made Kidd make the comment “Kellie chooses brunch over God” – technically it wasn’t a diva moment because she ended up going to church instead of brunch – but it would have been funny if it had happened the other way!
KIDD’S “I’M GAY” MOMENT
“I’m gonna wear my ‘I’m gay for The Fray’ t-shirt tomorrow”
KKITM INSIDE INFORMATION
Jonathan from Forever the Sickest Kids has a huge crush on Taylor Swift – like a ‘blushes-when-he-talks-about-her” crush! Awww – so sweet!
WHY YOU GOTTA ACT LIKE YOU KNOW WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW
Saying that Selena Gomez’ mom was a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader – except it was Demi Lovato’s mom
THINGS YOU MIGHT HEAR ON TODAY’S SHOW
Kellie is basking in the afterglow of dinner with the lead singer of a rock band
Big Al what took 3 hours to sew took 3 minutes to destroy
J Si got stood up fly Al at the pajama party
Shanon doesn’t get the point of Twitter
Paula Abdul is responsible for Rihanna and Beyonce
Amy Winehouse – Blake “Incarcerated” wants HALF!!
Kanye West is mad because hackers have damaged his image
Kirsten Dunst and Josh Hartnett are hooking up …again
THE BAHAMA MAMA
Today is the last day of the Bahama Mama – and I’m a little sad about it – so I took one last picture for the memories – notice the socks – I guess Big AL finally got the memo about his crusty feet …
BIG AL’S RANDOM STORY OF THE DAY
Big Al saw a girl who was sitting with a couple who was mugging down in front of her – Al felt bad for her and asked, “Would you like to make out with me?” – she didn’t make out with him but she did let him kiss her on the cheek – and because we needed a re-creation, J Si kissed Shanon on the cheek
then because J Si did it wrong, Al had to kiss Shanon to show him how it was done – poor Shanon
THE UGLY BABY CONTEST
Because everyone in the country is doing a Cutest Baby Ever in the History of the World contest, we’re going to break the mold and do an Ugly Baby Contest – we haven’t flushed out the details yet, but I’m willing to bet it will fairly easy to win – I mean how many people will admit they have an ugly kid?? Listener Heather called to say her son was ugly – she said he had huge ears and really big head – of course she can only say that because now he’s SUPER cute and has elementary and jr high girls chasing after him
THINGS THAT MAKE YOU SAY HMMMM …
Before The Fray came in studio, the show was talking about the words to their new single “You Found Me” – Kidd said that there is no corner of First and Amistad anywhere in the country – we wanted to know if God was smoking because he’s God and can’t get cancer – and why is it his last cigarette? can’t he just make more? I mean he’s God!!
THE FRAY – LIVE IN STUDIO
The corner of First and Amistad is in Texas
They picked the street name Amistad because it means friendship
God is smoking his last cigarette because he’s been waiting all night and he’s at the end of his pack
The inspiration from the song came from tragedies that their friends were going through while they were on the road
They named the band by taking suggestions from a fishbowl at his brother’s graduation
Suggestions were Bella Donna, Bricktop Derby and Juarez Street Fighters
They thought Juarez Street Fighters but thought that would attract the wrong kind of fans
The Fray performed 3 songs – “You Found Me” which is their new single, “Never Say Never” (which should’ve been called “Don’t Let Me Go”) and a new song called “Enough for Now” (which I can’t wait for it to come out because I LOVE it) – make sure you go listen on the kPod – they were AMAZING!!!
SHOWBIZ TOP 5
#5 – Cindy McCain was in talks to be on Dancing with the Stars but it would have been too hard on her bum knee – aw man, I would’ve liked to have seen that – I like her
#4 – Prince Harry is back on the market because his girlfriend of 5 years dumped him – damn, who dumps a prince?
#3 – Tom Cruise has hired a new PR team that is supposed to improve his image – is it just me that thinks Tom is too far gone?
#2 – Kanye West is upset with hackers that have busted into his MySpace and gmail and are making him look bad – oh Kanye, I love you but I’m REALLY tired of hearing you talk – blah-blah-blah
#1 – Selena Gomez hung out in studio with Forever the Sickest Kids after she flew in to see their concert but missed it because of a delayed flight – celebrities get all the good stuff
iTUNES TOP 5
5. Kanye West – Heartless
4. Lady Gaga – Just Dance
3. The Fray – You Found Me
2. The All American Rejects – Gives You Hell
1. Kelly Clarkson – My Life Would Suck Without You
BEHIND THE SCENES
J Si walked up to Kidd and said “Hey Kidd, I wanna see your new keyboard – okay if I come over to your pad?”
Kidd replied, “Sounds great, Beatnik Sixties Man”
PAD?? Who says ‘pad’? did we suddenly time warp back to 1962?
KELLIE RASBERRY’S “ME ME ME” MOMENT
Kellie has always been a little competitive when it comes to other people on the show – and even though Kidd is the one who got her into Twitter, she’s really the only person from the show who has been Twittering regularly – and yesterday morning, Kellie was outpacing Kidd by about 150 followers – but all it took was for Kidd to talk about Twitter on air – she really hates to be wrong because she had more people following her on Twitter – until yesterday when Kidd talked about Twitter – and now he’s kicking her but – first MySpace, now this!
THINGS YOU MIGHT HEAR ON TODAY’S SHOW
Kellie is going to get a babysitter if Big Al is really wearing his homemade pajamas to the party tonight
Big Al says he may have overspoke the true facts yesterday in saying that he can sew
J Si is mad because the fake J Si has more followers on Twitter than he does
Shanon is putting 10-1 odds that Al will have to go out naked tonight
FLUSH THE FORMAT
H to the Izzo – Jay Z
Eye of the Tiger – Survivor
Nightmare – Kanye West
Shut Up And Let Me Go – Ting Tings
Informer – Snow
Just Dance – Lady Gaga
Humpty Dance – Digital Underground
I Wish – Skee Lo
Hey Britney – Forever the Sickest Kids
Check Yes Juliet – We The Kings
Gulty Pleasure – Cobra Starship
K-Fed is headed for Dancing with the Stars
Mariah Carey threw a temper tantrum at the Inauguration
Paris Hilton is looking for a BFF … again
It’s the end for The Hills
“OH YEAH, YOU ROBERT – THANKS A LOT FOR NOTHING!!!!”
As is becoming par for the course, we started ‘Zine Scene and then quickly got derailed – the topic was going to be “If Your Workplace Is Making You Fat”, but then Jenna mentioned that she went to Pizza Thursday with the boys yesterday and that pretty much brought the show to a screaming halt – see, Jenna has only been with a show about 15 minutes – and Kellie, well she’s been here almost 15 years – and the boys have never, ever, ever asked her to go to Pizza Thursday – mmmm – not good. see, if you want to keep your job around here your best bet is NOT to piss off Kellie – and if it wasn’t enough that Kellie was mad, she was also hurt – she really had her feelings hurt – but did anyone step up to apologize – of course not – they just all jumped in with the excuses – “it wasn’t me”, “it wasn’t really an invitation”, “we go for pizza every Thursday”, “you’re welcome to come anytime Kellie” – but you knew that wasn’t going to fly – it wasn’t the fact that they go for pizza every Thursday, it’s that they invited Jenna – who is not part of their normal pizza club clique – we were just about to lose Kellie for the rest of the show, but Kidd jumped in with quick thinking and saved the day with a recreation of what Pizza Thursday would be like with Kellie tagging along – imagine all the guys hanging out talking about the NFL Draft and all you have is Kellie throwing out random comments like, “How much is the pizza?” and, “No, I mean how much is it – EXACTLY?” – “J Si, I need some more Diet Pepsi – what do you mean they don’t have Diet Pepsi? Who doesn’t have Diet Pepsi?” – “J Si, go give that Mexican busboy my number”, “what do you mean he’s married? I think that ring is just for show” – by the end, even Kellie was laughing and had to admit that there was some truth to Kidd’s script – and then there was peace on earth again
BACK TO ‘ZINE SCENE
If Your Workplace Is Making You Fat – yeah, it’s pretty unavoidable if you work here because there is ALWAYS food here – I weighed 123 pounds when I started working here – now, not so much!! Anyway – all the standard tricks apply – bring your own lunch, stay away from the vending machines, drink water and not cokes – and if you have access to a shower, work out at lunch instead of eating – just make sure you don’t come back to the office all funk nasty!
The next topic was Awkward Office Bahavior – instead of giving you the rundown, you can just look at the pictures here – but I will say that Austin really needs to shave, Al secretly loves the Bahama Mama costume and Andrew – well, what can you say? He looks like that in every single picture I’ve ever seen him take with a girl!
It was the last day for the Bahama Mama – and I have to say that I am really going to miss her – even after 5 days, it still brings a smile to my face – especially when Gertrude said “gotta get back to me mendin'” – which is NOT the phrase, by the way – and because it was Friday, the Bahama Mama had a new hairstyle courtesy of Shanon
WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?
A week or so ago, there was a girls basketball game between 2 schools in Dallas – one of them, Covenant School, is a Christian School – the other, Dallas Academy, is a school that specializes in teaching kids with learning disabilities – Dallas Academy only has 9 girls on their team and in the last 4 seasons, they haven’t won a single game – but that didn’t stop Covenant School from coming in and whooping up on D.A., 100-0 – now, I’ve played sports (sort of) and was a cheerleader for a long time – and I would never expect a team to “go easy” on another team – but when the other team hasn’t even scored, is it really necessary to keep in all of your starters playing full court press and shooting every 3 pointer you can? I mean there is such a thing as good sportsmanship – especially when you’re a Christian school – the Covenant School is now requesting forfeiture which I think is a nice gesture but the damage is already done – that coach has already taught the lesson that winning is the only thing that matters – and that you should apologize only after you’re called on your behavior
And then there’s the other side of the story – a story so sweet and genuine that Kidd almost couldn’t get through it and it certainly had me in tears – the Gainesville State School is a maximum-security correctional facility for teenage boys – they have a football team but it’s comprised of 14 kids who have earned their way on to the team through good behavior and good grades – these are the kids who are trying to turn their life around – but I would imagine in a maximum-security, you don’t get a lot of breaks – they don’t have fans, or a band or cheerleaders – and no parents that come to support their kids – but they did the night they played Grapevine Faith Christian School – before the game, the Faith coach emailed his team’s parents and asked if they would form a spirit line for the other team – not only that, he asked if some of them would sit on the Gainesville side and cheer for them- some of Faith’s cheerleaders cheered on their side – I would venture to say for a lot of those kids, it was the first time in a long time, maybe ever, that someone showed them unconditional love and support – the Faith coach said his goal was to send a message that the Gainesville kids were as valuable as anyone else on the earth – and I would say it worked – check out Kidd’s blog to read the story that Kidd read on air – and make sure you have your kleenex ready – you’ll need it!
BILLBOARD TOP 5
5. Kanye West – 808s & Heartbreak
4. Soundtrack – Notorious
3. Nickelback – Dark Horse
2. Beyonce – I Am … Sasha Fierce
1. Taylor Swift – Fearless
SHOWBIZ TOP 5
#5 – Kellie Osborne is in rehab … again – 3rd times a charm right
#4 – Katy Perry says her vow of celibacy was just a joke – what – instead she’s gonna sleep with everything that walks?
#3 – Angelina Jolie is trying to block her ex-bodyguard’s tell all book – um, confidentiality agreement anyone? I bet someone got fired over that!
#2 – Dakota Fanning is in talks to appear in the Twilight sequel – yeah, I liked Dakota better when she was 7
#1 – Mariah Carey threw a tantrum at the Inauguration because she didn’t get to sit on stage with Obama – someone please tell Mariah that her last name is Carey/Cannon, not Obama
JESSE MCCARTNEY PHONER
Jesse is going on tour to promote his album, Departure, and is playing small venues like House of Blues
Ludacris is on his new single and says Luda is super laid back and humble
Jesse is nominated for a Grammy for writing Bleeding Love for Leona Lewis
He also wrote songs for Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Tisdale and Toni Braxton’s new album (which will be out in April)
Leavin’ started out as a more R&B styled song until Jesse tailored it to bridge his old sound with his new sound
He had never been on a G5 before the song but has been on one now
FYI, according to Kidd, “a G5 is the baddest of the bad private jets from Gulfstream”
DAWG, I CAN SEW!!!
And so it began – if you missed the show yesterday – while talking about the Slanket/Snuggie, Big Al threw out the line “I can sew” when Kidd said he didn’t know anyone who knew how to sew – and since Big Al was going to a pajama Party this weekend – and since I happened to have a brand new sewing machine, we decided to make Big Al put his money where his mouth is – so a lug in the sewing machine and Big Al brought his own (childlike and feminine print) fabric and the challenge begin – now, I will say that I got the machine started for Al – because I certainly didn’t want him to break it – but he took his own measurements (with a hardware type measuring tape) and drew his own pattern – he cut his own fabric and then sat down and started to sew – and shockingly enough, he did it – Big Al met a KKITM challenge – there was no “Al, come on back” like you hear during a failed street bit – there was no mumbling of “not good” from Al as he rated his own performance – in fact – I think this may just have been the confidence booster that Al needed to start really bringing some quality bits to the show – the pajamas weren’t the best I’ve ever seen – and I did have to help him out a little when the thread got snagged in the machine – but other than that, he did it all on his own – he even added elastic to the waistband – sure the fabric is a little thin and possible transparent – and like Al said, “I won’t be able to drop it like it’s hot at the party – or sit like it’s hot” – but he did it – Big Al completed a task and no one can take that away from him – unless of course he backs out on wearing the PJs to the party tonight – of course, if he has any sense at all – he’ll totally use this to his advantage and maybe some poor unsuspecting (non-KKITM listening) woman will take pity on Al and throw him a bone – or at least a date! Click on the picture and you can see how the whole story unfolded!
The Oscar nominations are out and Kidd wrote a script of the Oscars that was essentially his way of making predictions of who is going to win – but honestly, I lost interest after the first clapping track – I love you Kidd – I really do – but this bit was Slow Motion Laaaaaaaaammmmmmme
This guy was in his 20s but hais clearly a heavy drinker and smoker because he sounded like he was 60 – and a little on the redneck side – maybe I’m judging him too harshly – maybe it was the .23 alcohol level – YIKES! Isn’t that close to death? But it does make for good entertainment – I mean he made up his own Drunk News theme song – and then he kissed Big Al – so the night wasn’t a total loss, right?
Kidd and Kellie’s episode of The Doctor’s with Sommer airs today – but don’t worry if you missed it – we’ll tell you all about it on Monday!!
BAD LOOKING OUT
After spending $800 over his original budget and the $99 delivery charge – J Si found out that one of the furniture delivery guys hit on Kinsey when they delivered the furniture – yeah, maybe he couldn’t see the 50 pictures of you and Kinsey that are all over your apartment?
BIG AL’S “I’M GAY” MOMENT
Big Al told us that his mom used to make his clothes when he was little – and one time she made him these pants that had one blue leg and one white leg – and because his mom couldn’t make him a belt, she made him a sash instead – a sash that hung down to the side of Al’s leg – that’s right – the pants with the sash – is that anything like the boots with the fur??
J SI’S RANDOM COMMENT OF THE DAY
“Don’t be that club that doesn’t allow hats … or shoes” – J Si – um, what club doesn’t allow shoes?
“SAVE THAT “OF THE DAY
“you can all know my Twitter on the Twitter – I’ll show my Twitter” – Kellie
WORDS OF WISDOM FROM KIDD KRADDICK
When buying furniture from Furniture Barn (which is where Kidd bought his fancy picnic table bedroom furniture) don’t buy from inside the tent and make sure you look at the stuff on the side of the road because if it’s been nicked by a car, you might get a good discount!
THINGS YOU MIGHT HEAR ON TODAY’S SHOW
Kellie thinks she left her shawl in Kidd’s hotel room
Big Al wants to know the rules about buying drinks for a girl
J Si had a dream that Kidd was eaten by a shark in the Bahamas
Shanon’s life was in danger yesterday when a prank went too far
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF J SI AND KINSEY
Kinsey: “Have you ever punched yourself in the face?”
J Si: “No”
Kinsey: “Would you ever do it?”
J Si: “No, why would I do that”
Kinsey: “What if I dare you to do it?”
J Si: “Getting hit in the face hurts!”
Kinsey: “I dare you!”
J Si: “You’re really going to dare me to hit myself in the face?”
So what did J Si do? He braced himself and took his fist to his cheekbone and gave himself a black eye – J Si’s rationalization, “See, I won and lost – so it’s a tie!” – ***shakes head***
Katy Perry has taken a vow of celibacy
There will be a sequel to the Sex & the City Movie
George Clooney is coming back to E.R.
The first daughters got a surprise performance at the White House by The Jonas Brothers
Apparently the San Francisco auditions suck and no one from that area of the country has any talent – except for
Laneshe Young – Kidd says that she will be Top 10 – then there was the contestant that told the judges to “take care and be careful” as he exited the audition room – well I guess Paula Abdul is still a little on edge after her stalker killed herself in front of Paula’s house – because she freaked out a little and thought the guy was threatening them – no Paula, he’s just old and Southern – it’s all good
Hot 100 Airplay – Single Ladies – Beyonce
Hot Adult R&B Airplay – If U Leave – Musiq Soulchild featuring Mary J. Blige
Hot AC – The Time of My Life – David Cook
Triple A – You Found Me – The Fray
Hot Country Songs – Start a Band – Brad Paisley with Keith Urban
So yesterday at the end of the show when Al put on his Gertrude Bahama Mama costume, he left his clothes on the bathroom floor- now that was a mistake for 2 reasons – 1. The bathroom floor is just gross – there are a lot of men in this office and let’s just say that their aim is less than perfect 2. There are a lot of men in this office – men that think practical jokes are funny – so when Al went back in the bathroom to change out of his Gertrude costume, his clothes were missing – so what did Big Al do? Did he:
a. call out from the bathroom, “hey guys – joke is over – bring my clothes back!”
b. call Tamara (at the front desk) and ask if someone could look for his pants or
c. leave the bathroom and walk around the office in his tighty whiteys and interrupt a staff meeting being conducted by the big boss
well duh. It was Big Al – so of course the answer was C! the whole situation could have been handled a dozen other ways – he could’ve even left the Gertrude costume on – but no – Al was trying to prove a point – I’m not really sure what the point was, but as Kelley pointed out, “There is no point except that you’re a perv exhibitionist” – yeah, pretty much! Anyway, after he made the eyes of almost every person in the office bleed, someone finally fessed up that Cappy had stolen Al’s pants and hid them under Josh’s desk – but by that time, Rob the Engineer had gotten in on the action and moved the pants to the rafters of the Sponsorship Opportunities Available Performance Hall – then during our Monday meeting (which was on Wednesday because of the holiday and the Inauguration), we had to put Shanon on Al’s shoulders to get his pants down – now, here’s my take on all of this – Big Al might have been upset at the beginning, but I think he was starting to get kind of used to hanging out around the office half naked – and am I the only one that doesn’t think that Skinny B Diet he’s on is working? I’m just saying – anyway, check out the video and let me know what you think!
and just because it bring sme so much joy …
what’s a Black man gotta do?
SLANKET VS SNUGGIE aka I’M A 97 YEAR OLD CROCHETY OLD WOMAN
While I understand the concept of the Slanket and Snuggie, I also think the only people that don’t look crazy wearing one are senior citizens! Come on, have you seen the commercial? but I guess I’m in the minority because Kidd, Kellie and countless listeners discussed all the reasons one should have this great invention – apparently the Slanket came first and there is a loyalty there because it’s made in America and has extra length so you can fold the blanket part under your feet – but then along came the knockoff more economical option, the Snuggie – it’s basically the same thing but it has a pocket for the remote control – which apparently makes you super cool – or 100 – call me crazy, but can’t you just put on sweats and socks? Or how about just turn up the heat!
DON’T LET YOUR MOUTH WRITE CHECKS THAT YOUR BUTT CAN’T CASH
During the whole Slanket vs. Snuggie debate, we had a listener that called in and said she found a pattern online and made her own Slanket/Snuggie knock off for $12 – which prompted Big Al to pop off at the mouth with this little gem “I can sew” – **I’ll pause while you fall out of your chair with laughter” – seriously? does anyone actually think that Al can sew? Anyone? Bueller? Yeah, that’s what we thought too – but fortunately for us (and for the listeners) we have a way to test Al’s declaration – I just happened to have gotten a brand new sewing machine for Christmas – and it’s portable – so guess who is going to get to sew himself a pair of pajamas to wear to the Pajama Party that he and J Si are going to this weekend – that’s right – our very own Big Al Mack!!
Today was the Grand Opening of the new Kidd Kraddick in the Morning nightclub (or dayclub as the case may be) – and I’ll have to be honest – I’m a little disappointed – there weren’t that many people there and there’s still some areas that aren’t quite ready – even though the music was good, I didn’t get to dance on the speaker – and there was this totally scary bartender (if you can call him that) with a scary hairlip/lisp/accent thing going on that was serving drinks – plus, the doorman didn’t even know who Kidd was – we almost didn’t get in – not a stellar first impression – I’m hoping things improve – after all, it is our club – and if this doesn’t make it – then how will Kidd’s next venture, the ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Sushi’ sushi bar ever take off?
SHOWBIZ TOP 5
#5 – Nicole Richie is getting a reality show – can’t FREAKING wait!!! LOVES IT!!!
#4 – Katy Perry is taking a vow of celibacy for 2009 – thanks for that info Katy
#3 – Paris Hilton went to Sundance and left with 30 bags from the Hollywood Life House gifting suite – poor Paris – she must be going broke if she had to go to Sundance just for Swag!
#2 – Lil Wayne canceled a concert in Rochester … for the third time – come on Wayne – just do the show already
#1 – John Travolta is being blackmailed for $1 million dollars with a picture of his son dying in the ambulance – classy.really classy
AWWWW – WHAT A GOOD BOYFRIEND
J Si and Kinsey have been functioning with young “living in sin” furniture – you know the kind you buy when you’re young and living on a just out of college salary – it’s nice and pretty good quality but it’s not going to last you 25 years – plus, it’s the kind of furniture that you put together and J Si let Kinsey put it together – and you can imagine how that went – anyway, that furniture was on its last leg and Kinsey has been pestering J Si to buy some new stuff – so J Si, being a baby DJ, did some creative financing and came up with $1000 to buy a dresser and 2 night stands – great – that’s totally doable – they go to the furniture store and start looking around – but J Si being a dude, quickly lost interest, and decided to test out a mattress while Kinsey shopped … and then fell asleep – but not before he added a last minute $200 to the furniture budget – now J Si says that he wasn’t asleep long – but it was long enough because Kinsey came back to J Si and said, “J Si – guess what – I got a headboard and a footboard and a dresser and a2 night stands and a lamp …” – and J Si’s all, “cool! For $1200?” – “welllllll … he told me he would throw it in for $400 more – and then there was some tax…” $2000 later … J Si and Kinsey are the proud owners of a brand new bedroom suit – so what if J Si has to eat ramen noodles for the next 3 months – and he’ll have to take public transportation to work – he did it all for love – and Kinsey is happy – the only problem now is how to deal with that furniture delivery guy that hit on Kinsey – uh.oh.
TWITTER aka CHEAP THERAPY FOR KELLIE
Kellie signed up for Twitter because Kidd told her that’s what all the cool kids were doing – and the only people that don’t Twitter are old people and those that have vestigial tails – so she signed up – and it’s basically become an outlet for Kellie so that she can get free therapy – Kellie is still quite some ways from full post op recovery – basically, she’s not quite ready to move into sexy lingerie – she’s still wearing a girdle and she has a pretty good sized hip to hip scar – she was prepared for all of that but it’s still an adjustment – and despite the fact that Kellie is blessed with a lot of good friends that love her – she doesn’t currently have man lovin’ on her – and she’s feeling a little lonely – so what has she done – she’s decided to talk it out … on Twitter – if you want to follow Kellie’s therapy (or any of the rest of us) – sign up at twitter.com and follow us with these names … KiddKraddick, Kelliereasberry, Bigalmack, JSi5 and Dianthekiddlive
I AM GAY AS A PINK PICNIC BASKET aka STEREOTYPE DESTROYER MAN
This week’s mission was to bust the stereotype that “All gay men sound gay” – or extra effeminate – or, well you know – basically, Character Stereotype Destroyer Man aka Big Al was looking for a gay man who didn’t sound “gay” – he was pretty unsuccessful – you have to admit, when a man says, No more Big Al, we’re changing your name to Sweet Al” – he’s probably gay – finally Big Al found one guy who didn’t “sound” gay – until he said, “I’m as gay as a pink picnic basket” – close, but no cigar – Al’s next bit … Character Stereotype Perpetuator Man
BAD LOOKING OUT
Al thinks he taped the Inauguration over his parents’ 50th Wedding Anniversary party
BEHIND THE SCENES
“I can’t think right now, I need pants” – Big Al – someone took Big Al’s pants after his last Bahama Mama stint and he’s been wandering the office half naked since the last break of the show – UPDATE: he’s been without pants for almost an hour … it’s not looking good for tomorrow
RYAN SEACREST MOMENT OF THE DAY
Big Al made today’s Behind the Mic because he was trying to sound like Ryan Seacrest during the liners – um, Ryan Seacrest, better than Kidd Kraddick, Ryan Seacrest? Hmmm. Not good.
SEXY JACK’S BRITISH PHRASE OF THE DAY
“My teeth are banging” – because he was so cold – except I think he meant chattering
THINGS YOU MIGHT HEAR ON TODAY’S SHOW
Kellie is mad that the white man tried to keep Obama down
Big Al thought Obama’s dancing was just okay
J Si is a victim of a new money laundering scheme – except it was more of a scam than money laundering
Shanon is mad that Andrew ruined her historical Presidential Inauguration watching experience
Britney Spears is writing a tell-all autobiography
Joaquin Phoenix threw a temper tantrum before he bombed in his debut rap performance
Marcia Cross’ husband has cancer
Shia LeBeouf’s driver license has been suspended for a year
LOVE LETTERS TO KELLIE
If you want to be more than just friends with
If your twin sister stole your man because you sent her on a date as you, it’s all your fault
If your boyfriend lied about getting you concert tickets, it’s not because he meant to lie – he’s just a guy
If you went from an A cup to a D cup, you should expect extra attention from men
If your husband wants you to have back to back babies until you have 12 of them, you’ve married a crazy man
BAHAMA MAMA aka MY NEW FAVORITE BIT
First Obama is elected president and then the Bahama Mama – could my life be any better? I don’t think so!! Of course I can’t tell you what the phrase is, but find solace in the fact that every time I see Big Al wearing an old lady housecoat and a bad horsehair hairpiece, I am falling down laughing!! Plus, Big Al whining and crying about having to dress up as a woman … again – here’s a hint Big Al – the word is “NO” – everyone else in the building knows it – why not you? The only thing that makes me sad is that the contest will be over on Monday
IT’S NATIONAL HUGGING DAY
Kidd sent Jack to Starbucks (with Andrew as video guy) with the mission of getting 100 hugs before he could come back – that shouldn’t be too hard, right? I mean tall, good-looking British guy asking for a hug in a public place – easy. Except Jack walked up to a woman in her car in freezing temperatures and asked, “Can I get a big fat hug?” – yeah, probably not the best approach – since the bit looked like it was headed for failure, J Si decided to call an audible – Kellie thought that was a bad idea but J Si said, “Kellie, we’re on the line of scrimmage and the play doesn’t look like it’s gonna work” – so it’s audible time … so instead of getting 100 hugs, we decided to promote Andrew from video guy to bit guy and join Jack in hugging it out – so there Jack and Andrew stood in the middle of Starbucks – hugging each other – for an hour – and if anyone asked them what they were doing, they were to respond with, “what? it’s National Hug Day!” – but that wasn’t enough – the payoff wasn’t big enough – so Kidd made them get down on their knees while hugging – and then work their way to the floor and writhe on the floor … hugging – ew. Sexy Jack had just mentioned that he noticed a weird smell coming from Andrew on the car ride over – I don’t know about you, but the visual of Sexy Jack and stinky Andrew “writhing on the floor hugging” – ew. And Kidd wonders why Shanon doesn’t want to be touched by boys
There isn’t much going on beside the Inauguration so that’s what we talked about today – a.lot.
- Michelle’s dress – Kellie did NOT love Michelle’s clothing choices – we look to the First Lady to be the fashion icon and she’s looking a little on the frumpy side – it was nice that she picked internationally born American designers, but somebody needs to find her a stylist – I did like her ball gown but I thought it needed a petticoat
- Kidd mentioned several times how sweet Barack and Michelle were and how in love the two of them are – he said he even teared up when they danced their first dance to “At Last” – I thought it was sweet when he asked the crowd, “how good-looking is my wife?” – and it made me sad for Kidd – you can tell he misses being married L
- We went on for what I thought was TOO long over who screwed up first – Obama or Chief Justice John Roberts – I think Obama started saying his name to early and the Chief Justice misplaced the word “faithfully” – can we all agree that they both screwed up and in the big scheme of things – it really doesn’t matter?
- Ted Kennedy had a seizure at the inaugural luncheon but they attributed it to fatigue – they kept him in the hospital overnight for observation and should be released this morning
- Kellie thinks that Sasha and Malia are going to be really fun to watch in the White House – she foresees books and dolls and all kinds of kid friendly stuff – Kellie also thinks that Sasha is the one to watch – and after seeing the bored look on her face during the parade, I totally agree
- Kanye’s performance at the MTV ball left much to be desired – note to Kanye – you’re not a singer – do not sing without Autotunes
- Kellie was a little offended by the comments at the end of Reverend Lowry’s benediction – eh. I went back and forth and back and forth about it on a few message boards I’m on – basically, what it comes down to for me – if it doesn’t apply to you, then why are you offended? Not just in this instance, for everything
- The booing of President Bush – dude, that’s just tacky – I wasn’t a Bush supporter and I certainly don’t agree with a lot of the decisions he made – but the man was the president – and outside of the office, I bet he’s a really cool guy to have a beer with
KELLIE CLARKSON ON THE PHONE
She lives out in the country and can go to the grocery store and no one bothers her
She and her sister won their family turkey baking contest over the holidays
Claimed she listened to Kidd Kraddick growing up but didn’t know about the Brown Bag Turkey recipe – hmmm…
She grew up in a religious household
She is flattered that Brooke Hogan is covering her new song “My Life Would Suck Without You”
She just got back from Europe and she cried when Aretha Franklin sang “America the Beautiful”
SHOWBIZ TOP 5
#5 – Shia LaBeouf can’t drive for a year because he refused a breathalyzer – eh, just hire a driver
#4 – Paris Hilton needs to find herself so she hooked up with MySpace CEO at Sundance – don’t look back Benji, don’t look back!
#3 – Spencer Pratt beat up his sister’s ex-boyfriend for no reason other than the fact he dumped her – one word – tool.
#2 – Lindsay Lohan wants to open a joint bank account with Samantha Ronson – please don’t leave me Sam …
#1 – Britney Spears is discussing a $14 million dollars book deal – where do I pre-order my copy?
BEST LINE OF THE SHOW
“It hurts, i bleed, they laugh” – Shanon commenting on having her eyebrows “done”
KELLIE RASBERRY “ME ME ME” MOMENT
Kellie wants Michelle Obama to “sass it up” because she thinks Michelle is responsible for the plain fashions that are in the stores right now – and it’s affecting Kellie’s shopping experience
KELLIE RASBERRY’S DIVA MOMENT
“I did not receive the same treatment as Kidd Kraddick – and to add insult to injury I wasn’t even allowed on the stage – I was placed in the audience”
“SAVE THAT “OF THE DAY
“I’ve seen her naked more than I’ve seen myself” – Kellie – i could give you an explanation but – oh come on, you know that would totally ruin the “save that”
PSYHCO SHANON’S PSYCHO MOMENT OF THE DAY
Shanon calling Nick Lachey lame after announcing that he’ll be hosting the concert in the Bahamas
THINGS KIDD COMPLAINED ABOUT TODAY
Kellie going on and on (and on and on) about how hot Dr. Travis Stork from The Doctors is
THINGS YOU MIGHT HEAR ON TODAY’S SHOW
Kellie didn’t vote for him but she’s excited about Obama’s inauguration
Big Al is going to have to do something tomorrow since yesterday was MLK and today is the Inauguration
J Si has created a new word, Obamance
Shanon is frustrated with the person that rodes his bike on the street and created a traffic backup – on FRIDAY!
Joaquin Phoenix is done with acting and now he wants to be a rapper
Kimora Lee Simmons is pregnant with Djimon Honsou’s baby
Lindsay Lohan violated the terms of her probation by not changing her address when she moved
Kelly Osbourne has been arrested for slapping a London journalist – last summer!!
KELLIE’S LOS ANGELES BRUSH WITH CELEBRITY
Kellie stood right behind Lindsay Lohan in the security line at LAX – she didn’t get to talk to her because Lindsay kept her head down texting like a mad woman so she could avoid eye contact – she also had a security escort and was wearing a huge hoodie to disguise herself, even though it just attracted more attention to her – when Lindsay took off her hoodie to go through security, you could see that she was wearing her leggings and a wife beater tank – Kellie said she looked very sad and thin
2009 Style Resolutions – Love it or Leave It?
Boots with shorts: trashy and unflattering – leave it – (hey, if you have great legs, this is still a “do”)
Skinny jeans into boots: love it – (I support anything that makes me look tall and skinny)
White tights: make you look squatty and nurse-like – leave it – (who is wearing white tights?)
Crocs: leave it (unless you’re under the age of 10)
Oversized shades: leave it (whateve, the only way to avoid crows feet is large shades)
Make Me A Skinny B!
Your eyebrows may make you look fat – if you have skinny eyebrows and a round face, they’re probably making you look fat – so wear those caterpillars proudly!
5 Times You Shouldn’t Text Him
- after your few first dates – being too accessible ruins the thrill of the chase
- when you’ve had a few too many – again, showing you’re too available
- when you’re angry – because it makes you look insecure
- when you’re trying to be funny – sarcasm can be hard to read through text
- if you’ve already texted and have yet to get a response – um “he’s just not that into you” anyone?
“EXCUSE ME – WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?” aka THE BAHAMA MAMA “PHRASE OF THE DAY”
Now, I can’t give you the phrase, because that would be cheating – but I can give you pictures of Gertrude, the Bahama Mama (aka Big Al) wearing traditional Caribbean garb and a weave that hasn’t been woven
click the picture to see more pics
And I can give you the comments that the Chat Room had about Gertrude
chikki419: he needs a better hat
denasia alyssa: What has he got on his head???
abbeym32: he sounds like a leprechaun and looks like the girl from The Cosby Show, Lisa Bonet
Iorange55: or Shawna Marley
DEAR MR PRESIDENT
The idea behind the Dear Mr. President bit was to have kids write letters to the new President about things they want from this country – what the idea wasn’t, was for parents to dictate letters to their children – how do I know these letters weren’t written by the kids? How many 8 year olds do you know that talk like this:
Dear Mr. President, I do not know if you can do this but I would like you to try to stop China from putting poison in our food, clothes, and anything else. If you do not know what I mean, remember when they put the drugs in the chocolate coins? Well that’s what I mean. Anyways, thank you, Sincerely, Kaylii Fuller
Dear Mr. President, The attorney general favors the women more so than the man? What can you do to help men who love their children but find it difficult to make ends meet and protect him from money hungry women who don’t work and collect welfare and make us pay it back. Women now are becoming more irresponsible and are getting away with it. HELP!!!
Dear Mr. President, I would like for the new President to explain to America that he is indeed more Caucasian and more Arabic, than he is African American! Set the record straight and say he is the first mixed race president, not the first African American prez! Michelle is the first AFRICAN AMERICAN 1st lady! But HE IS NOT THE FIRST AFRICAN AMERICAN PREZ!
And then the real letters – where you could tell the letters came straight from the kids because they asked questions like “what kind of dog are you going to get?” and “what are you going to name it?” “Do you like to watch tv?” “are you excited about living in the White House” – now those are questions kids would ask!
KIDD AND KELLIE ON THE DOCTORS
Kidd and Kellie were in LA over the weekend to tape the episode of the Doctors with Sommer – The Doctors provided them with a dressing room (a shared dressing room – bow chicka bow bow) and it looked like everything was going to be great – Dr. Phil had arranged for Kidd to use his personal hair and makeup people, so Kidd decided that he would get Kellie in with Dr. Phil’s people too – except Kidd disappeared and Dr. Phil’s people had to go to a mandatory union lunch – so that left Kellie unattended and she didn’t have any choice but to follow the production assistant who told her it was time for hair and makeup – Kellie tried to tell her that she was supposed to go with Dr. Phil’s people, but when the PA said, “um, I don’t have you on that list”, Kellie didn’t have a lot of choice – but it really didn’t matter because when Kellie got to hair and makeup, she was told “she’s audience” – ooooh, diss – Kellie spent 3 days searching for the perfect TV outfit and she was relegated to the audience in seconds – plus, the wardrobe woman acted like she wasn’t happy with Kellie’s choice and then finally told her “that’s fine – you can wear that” – wow. Not nice. Now Kidd, he had a completely different experience – when he got dressed, he was told “that looks great” – and when he got to the special hair and makeup area, he had 2 people doing his hair and makeup – and during the segment, Kellie was banished sent to the audience – Kidd was on stage – there was a slight mix up where they sent Kidd to sit with Kellie and Sommer’s friend, Randi – but they quickly pulled him back on stage – they did talk to Kellie for a hot second even though they didn’t show any of Kellie’s before pictures (much to Kellie’s relief) – the show will air sometime this week and then we’ll get to see Kidd, Kellie and Dr. Travis Stork in all of his tall and hot, not tiny glory!!
SHOWBIZ TOP 5
#5 – Kimora Lee Simmons is having a baby with Djimon Honsou – ooh – I can’t wait to see that baby – I hope it’s a boy!
#4 – Joaquin Phoenix wants to be a rapper – yeah, him and about a million teenage boys – and they won’t be successful either
#3 – Kelly Clarkson’s new CD cover has been Photoshopped to death and she LOVES it – I ain’t mad at ya’ Kelly -0 I’d love to be Photoshopped too!
#2 – John Mayer plans to ask Jennifer Aniston to marry him on her 40th birthday – so much for a surprise proposal
#1 – Nikki Hilton hates Paris’ new BFF and wouldn’t let them stay with her in Sundance – so Paris had to rent a condo – damn, it must suck to be dissed by your sister
In honor of the Inauguration and J Si’s man crush on Barack Obama, this week’s Bean and Cheese production was an ode to Obama – and his overuse of the word “uh”
KKITM INAUGURATION IMPROV
What’s that they say about the best laid plans? Kidd decided at the last minute to throw out some improv on how the tea between the Obamas and the Bushes would go – so with Kidd as President Bush, Kellie as Laura Bush, Al as Barack Obama and Shanon as Michelle Obama … – just for the record, I would like to say, there is a reason that Kidd only does improv with Kellie and writes a script when everyone else is involved
MOMENT THAT MADE ME PROUD OF BIG AL
After Kidd and Kellie slammed Al for saying that Obama has had more death threats against him than any other president, Al read a letter he wrote about his feelings about Barack Obama – it’s rare that we get to see that side of Al – the serious side – and he did a good job – definitely check it out on the kPod – it’s worth the time to listen!! And now, I’m headed out for a full day of Inauguration festivity watching – I have no doubt that there will be no shortage of HI-larious commentary from the show tomorrow – so stay tuned!
BAD LOOKING OUT … OR WAS IT???
Kidd and Kellie were on the plane (that was delayed because of mechanical issues) when the news of the US Airways plane crashed – Kidd got a text from a friend that said, “are you watching the news?” – he replied, “no – I’m on the plane” – his friend texted back, “oh – never mind” and then Kidd was left wondering what had happened and didn’t hear about the crash until after they landed in L.A.
CELEBRITIES KIDD THOUGHT HE SAW IN L.A.
Kidd swore that he saw Rod Stewart in the lobby of their hotel but Kellie swears it was just an old white haired man with a driver! Kidd also thought he saw Paul Reiser (not to be confused with Paul Rudd) – and here’s a question for you – does anyone even remember who Paul Reiser is?
KELLIE RASBERRY’S “ME ME ME” MOMENT
Kellie complained about the redhead always being left out when Jenna said that men prefer brunettes over blondes
KELLIE RASBERRY’S DIVA MOMENT
When Kidd and Kellie checked into the hotel, Kellie asked for a “nice room” – or at least one nicer than Kidd’s – and when she got to her room, there was a lovely fruit and cookie tray – so Kellie settled into her room and started snacking on the tray assuming that Kidd had sent the tray to her – as she snuggled into her bed for the night, Kellie looked over to see an envelope next to the tray that said, “Mrs. Greenstein” – oops. Oh well – she is Kellie Freaking Rasberry – Damnit!
THE THING KELLIE SAID THAT MADE ME LAUGH
“If you date me, you’ve seen me naked – well, I’ve dated a couple of guys that haven’t seen me naked” – where is that “cougar” drop??
FLUSH THE FORMAT
Crack A Bottle – Eminem
California Love – Tupac
Shake It – Metro Station
Just Dance – Lady GaGa
Dance, Dance – Fall Out boy
Faint – Linkin Park
Toxic – Britney Spears
Dead and Gone – T.I
One Week – Barenaked ladies
That’s What You Get – Paramore
Going Back to Cali – Notorious B.I.G.
Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are fighting – and it’s getting physical
Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis are finally getting married
Lance Armstrong has asked his pregnant girlfriend to marry him
Lindsay Lohan has moved out from Samantha Ronson’s house – but they are NOT broken up
have i mentioned how much I love this theme song? You just can’t stop singing it! Today’s ‘Zine Scene focused on what men and women like in each other – we started off with physical attributes and as you probably guessed – men are all about the boobs and the booty!! There’s a surprise! But women can be superficial too – ’cause we like the abs, the chest and those guns!! When it comes to the actual face, eyes and smile are important and men do NOT prefer blondes – and for all you men with Short Man Complex (or short something else complex), women do not subscribe to the “Bigger Is Better” theory – the majority of women don’t want their men to be over 6’3″ – turnoffs? Men are turned off by women who carry a little too much extra weight and women hate bad teeth and body hair – and the female trait that personally turns Kidd off? “I’m most turned off by their criticism” – that’s funny!
THE RETURN OF B. WOODS
The break started with Al telling a story about a date he went on a couple of weeks ago – and then suddenly it turned into the B Woods show – now if you recall, B Woods is the board op that runs the board for Kidd when he’s in L.A. – and if you ask me, B Woods ought to maybe just stick to the board – don’t get me wrong, he’s probably a very nice guy – and he has his funny moments – but I’ve had about enough of him bagging on Big Al – I mean, I know I give Big Al a hard time – we all do – but that’s cause he’s family – and you know how that goes – you can talk about your family, but if someone else does … watch out! The first thing B Woods did was call Al out for dressing like a woman – back off dude, that’s OUR job!!!
SHE WAS NOT AS PRETTY AS I REMEMBERED
This break could also have been called Big Al’s Pointless Story of the Day simply because I have no idea why he mentioned it – a few weeks ago, Big Al went on a date with a woman who started talking about another guy less than 10 minutes into their date – she went on and on about this dude, telling Big Al that he seems to be the perfect guy – I don’t know – maybe there was a point to the story and we just never got to it – that could have been the case but we’ll never know because Kellie called Big Al for saying that the woman was “not as pretty as I remembered” – as Kellie pointed out, there was really no reason to mention that at all other than the fact that she dissed Al by talking about the other guy – if she had been smoking hot or had been really into Al, he never would have mentioned that she was less than attractive – but that’s how Al rolls – Kellie let him know “she’s probably listening and you just hurt her feelings, so congratulations” and that was the end of that
DUDE, WHERE’S MY CAR??
It’s a fairly well-known fact that Kidd has a terrible sense of direction – so it didn’t really make sense to Kellie that they would get in the car in L.A. and Kidd would refuse to use the GPS – Kidd insisted “this is my town – I know where I’m going” but he still managed to get a little sidetracked on the way to the hotel – Kidd claimed performance anxiety and said that he felt pressured to perform in front of Kellie – which I sort of understand – I mean, L.A. is his town – kind of like New York was his town when he went with Jack and pointed out the infamous Sbarro pizza! But in Kidd’s defense, he was trying to do about 5 things at one time in addition to driving – and it’s not like he ended up in San Diego and had to turn around – they were only delayed a few minutes and then it was all good
WHO’S A CRACKHEAD??
The National Enquirer is reporting that Oprah was a crackhead back in the 80s – well, sort of – an ex-lover of hers is basically on his death bed and wrote a book saying that back when he and Oprah were dating, they not only did drugs together but that Oprah introduced him to crack – Oprah moved on to become Oprah and he became a crackhead – B Woods brought Barack into the fold and Kellie confirmed that Barack admitted to trying drugs in one of his books – and that entire discussion led into …
CHARACTER STEREOTYPE DESTROYER MAN
Today’s mission was to identify a Black Nerd – except the only one I can even think of would be Steve Urkel – so Al went off (I have no idea where) to ask black people “nerd” type questions like “have you ever played WoW?” and “what was the last Star Wars movie you saw?” – he finally ran into one black guy who was able to answer those questions as well as fill-in-the-blank for the names, Luke Skywalker, Jabba the Hut, R2D2 and Darth Vader – one dude was even into Star Trek – but the kicker was when Al found himself in the middle of a real live drug deal – I’ve never witnessed an actual drug deal but I’m pretty sure when a guy says, “do you know anything about pills? I got some Benadryls (yes, he said it with an ‘s’) and some downers – I’ll give it all to you for $3 – I’ll take $3 just to get on this bus”, he might be a drug dealer!
SHOWBIZ TOP 5
#5 – the National Enquirer says Oprah’s ex-lover has written a tell all book that says they did coke back in the 80s – yeah, talk to me when this dude is interviewed by Barbara Walters
#4 – Carrie Underwood is dating hockey player, Mike Fisher – um, I’m starting to think that Carrie gets around …
#3 – The Jonas Brothers have had to hire extra security because someone is stealing their underwear! Ok, that’s just oogey
#2 – Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have had a few pushing and shoving fights – is anyone surprised by this? You KNOW J Lo has a psycho gene – and she uses it a lot
#1 – the National Enquirer says Patrick Swayze’s cancer has spread to his lungs, not pneumonia – sad. Just sad.
Defiance – Daniel Craig NOT playing James Bond – average ratings – eh.
Paul Blart: Mall Cop – it’s not getting great ratings but it’s Kevin James – how can you not love Kevin James??
Notorious – BIGGIE!!!! If you’re a fan of Biggie or hip-hop, you’ll love this
My Bloody Valentine 3D – oh come on, do you need me to tell you anything about this? It is getting decent reviews though
ROBIN MCGRAW IN L.A.
Robin McGraw is the wife of Dr. Phil and a long time friend of the show – Robin is 55 (and beautiful!) and has written a new beauty/health book called “What’s Age Got to do With It?” – she teamed up with a few experts and wrote the book because as she said, “I don’t think I’m old but I’m old enough to know what works and what doesn’t” – that sounds like a plan to me!! there are chapters on skin care and make up and hormones and how to make natural beauty products – a little free advice – spend money on skin care and blood work to check your hormone levels – and if you have to get one beauty treatment – go with microdermabrasion to get rid of your dead skin cells!
KELLIE RASBERRY, BITKILLER or “LEAVE KELLIE ALONE”? – YOU DECIDE
Kidd went to L.A. to tape a few segments of the show “The Doctors” with Sommer – the person we chose to “Get Her Sexy Back” – and since Kellie just recently had her Mommy Makeover, she joined Kidd – the show will tape today and air a few weeks or so from now – but Kidd and Kellie aren’t coming back until tomorrow – and you know what that means – party time in L.A. – well, unless you’re traveling with Kellie Rasberry – Kidd is bound and determined to take Kellie out tonight and probably hang with some of his celebrity friends – but Kellie seems less than interested – we’ve basically been having this conversation all week long and Kellie has yet to commit to a night out on the town – so I’m thinking Kidd is going to be flying solo – I know he planned on having Kellie be his “date” – but she is SO not interested – and Kidd is more than familiar with Bad Attitude Kellie who is forced to do something that she doesn’t want to do – is that really who you want hanging out with you at the cool club in LA with Joel and Nicole? No! but you know who you do want? The party girl who loves Nicole Richie more than anyone on the planet (except my sweet baby girl) …ME – duh! But that’s okay, keep pestering Kellie to go out with you until she gives in and makes your evening miserable – at the very least it will make for good radio and you’ll be able to hold it over her head for the next 6 months
We’ll find out on Tuesday (because Monday’s a holiday and we’re off) what kind of wild shenanigans (I love the word shenanigans) Kidd managed to get Kellie into – I’m betting the wildest Kellie got was ordering a $28 hamburger from room service – but I could be wrong – at any rate, we’ll find out next week – and in the meantime, because I’m a total AW (Attention Whore) – check out this video of my baby girl walking!! I’ll post the whole story in my blog this weekend, but in the meantime, here she is!
EWWWW MOMENT OF THE TODAY
Jenna smacking on mints while she and J Si were waiting to go in for The Happy Couple bit – ew.
RYAN SEACREST MOMENT OF THE DAY
We’re now on in Kansas City, MO and Kidd got an alert that we were mentioned in the news release – but when he went to go look at it, it was all about Ryan Seacrest and his show, On Air with Ryan Seacrest, and how he’s coming to the station – don’t get me wrong – we were mentioned – but in passing – like oh yeah, they’re getting a new morning show too – good luck with that – now back to Ryan Seacrest – poor Kidd – like Kidd said, if you want to find out what we’re doing – google Ryan Seacrest
THINGS YOU MIGHT HEAR ON TODAY’S SHOW
Kellie is frazzled because she was packing this morning at 3:30am
Big Al just found out about the man who is suing his wife for his kidney in their divorce
J Si was 2 hours early for work so he pulled over on the highway to take a nap
Shanon’s credit card was denied after it was approved and now she owes iTunes $7.63
Jack’s gums are sensitive from trying to whiten his teeth
Kidd is wearing the sweater that has a hole in it … AGAIN
Usher’s wife, Tameka Foster, will be on the second season of Real Housewives of Atlanta
John Mayer is getting a variety show
Jennifer Hudson is singing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl
Kelis and Nas are having a baby
LONELY, I’M SO LONELY
So the show is headed to the Bahamas and even though it’s technically a working trip, there is some downtime – and it’s over a weekend – Valentine’s weekend to be specific – and even though the majority of the people on the show are single and not seeing anyone seriously, they were still told they could bring a guest – so of course Al took that as license to go through his Little Black Book of Hoochies and invite someone – who? Oh, anyone with a pulse who is willing to give it up in exchange for a trip to the Bahamas – oops. Did I type that in my “outside my head” font? As you can imagine, this didn’t go over very well with the show – I mean, I know it’s Al – ad I know he isn’t really known for his forethought – but come on, dude – what makes you think that the show wants to spend 5 days with a total stranger – and what makes you think a total stranger wants to spend it with the show – you won’t be able to give the Hoochie your total attention because you will be working the majority of the trip – and everyone else will be uneasy around her because they don’t know her (probably not any more than you do, I might add) and will be afraid of saying the wrong thing and giving off the wrong impression – it’ll just be uncomfortable for everyone – and you’d think that Al would just want to spend some quality time with his friends from the show – that in itself is sure to bring lots of content to the show – but noooo … Al stuck to his guns and insisted it would be fine and that no one would be uncomfortable if he brought a Hoochie to the Bahamas – fortunately for the show, I’m pretty sure that Al has burned all of his bridges and he won’t be able to find anyone to service accompany him in the Bahamas!! Crisis averted!
THE HAPPY COUPLE aka AWKWARD ALERT
If you’re a soap opera fan, like me (shout out General Hospital), you’re familiar with the replacement of your favorite character – one day you’ll be watching your show and all of a sudden instead of your favorite villain walking on screen, you’ll see an actor that looks somewhat similar to the old villain and then you’ll hear a mysterious voice say “the role of Kevin will now be played by …” – well that’s kind of what happened with The Happy Couple – the role of Taylor will now be played by Jenna, the phone screener – now Jenna is a little concerned about replacing Taylor because Taylor was pretty good at the Happy Couple – she didn’t mind getting J Si’s butt kicked and had no problem yelling and screaming and causing a scene – now Jenna claims, “I just don’t have the crazy switch” which I TOTALLY don’t believe – ALL women have a crazy switch – it’s just a matter of finding it – anyway … on to the couples massage
So the idea was to go in for a couple’s massage and then have the masseuse go a little too far and have Jenna go off on the masseuse – and it worked, but there were a couple of things that were crazy – first, when you go in for a massage the masseuse leaves the room so you can undress – and when you’re a couple, people assume you’ve seen each other naked before – except J Si and Jenna aren’t really a couple – but that didn’t stop Jenna from taking it all off and giving J Si a little show – you could tell J Si was completely off guard when he started saying “no looksie, no looksie!!” – Jenna tried to throw him under the bus by saying “J Si stop staring” really loudly, but I know better than to think J Si would have looked – he’s too afraid that Kinsey would kill him!! anyway, when the masseuses came back, J Si pretended not to like his while Jenna was really enjoying hers – so they switched so J Si could get a different experience – talk about experience – J Si went from silence to a lot of “oh my god, oh my god” while he pretended that the masseuse was copping a feel – of course Jenna got pissed and started ranting, “You weren’t touching me down there – why are you touching him in that area?” – they tried to calm her down but I guess she found her crazy switch because a few minutes later, Jenna stormed out – but not before the best part of the bit …
SHE’S BOTH THE NAMER AND THE CLAIMER
Jenna’s masseuse was making small talk and telling Jenna some story about giving a massage to someone with a full sleeve of tattoos when all of a sudden, Jenna let one go – not a big one – it was actually so small that if you weren’t paying attention, you would have missed it – but when you listen the second time around, it’s definitely a “toot” – you know, like the kind Taylor couldn’t say – anyway, she immediately freaked out and started to apologize and offering up the excuse that she had a lot of coffee during the day – and the masseuses were great about it saying “it happens all the time” – but I don’t think that helped because she asked J Si to say something to make her feel better – and J Si’s typical guy response? “that was awesome” – nice, J Si, real nice.
GET OVER IT
J Si hasn’t changed his email greeting since they went to the Bahamas last year and now it’s time to go again so … GET OVER IT!!
Al knows his voice mail is full – but it’s because he wants to feel important – GET OVER IT!!
Kellie to Big Al – you are NOT bringing a perfect stranger to the Bahamas – GET OVER IT!!
Kidd to everyone, if I don’t text you back in the middle of the day it’s because I’m asleep – GET OVER IT!!
To my brother the trainer, I like beer and pasta – GET OVER IT!!
I’m 26 and like Hannah Montana – GET OVER IT!!
To Kidd – Nickelback is great – GET OVER IT!!
To my baby daddy – I’m allowed to have a life too – GET OVER IT!!
To high school girls and your drama – GET OVER IT!!
To my boss, you’re not a ladies’ man – GET OVER IT!!
I’ve been married to an illegal Mexican for 8 years – GET OVER IT!!
I’m American Indian so I don’t know Spanish – GET OVER IT!!
To everyone with McCain-Palin bumper stickers, Obama won – GET OVER IT!!
To my boyfriend’s ex, he doesn’t want you anymore – GET OVER IT!!
To my mortgage company, I’m late on my payment – GET OVER IT!!
SHOWBIZ TOP 5
#5 – Ricardo Montalban aka Mr. Rourke from Fantasy Island has passed away – aw, that’s sad
#4 – Jackie Chan will be the mentor in the remake of “The Karate Kid” starring Will Smith’s son – failure anyone??
#3 – John Mayer put one of Jennifer Aniston’s poems to music and sang it to her – cheesy, but sweet
#2 – Jennifer Hudson will perform the National Anthem at the Super Bowl – I’m looking forward to seeing her – hopefully it will be a good return for her
#1 – Jennifer Lopez says she didn’t wear her wedding ring to the Golden Globes because “it didn’t go with her dress” – *cough*divorcingsoon*cough* – I hate it when my 8.5 carat diamond doesn’t go with my dress
BILLBOARD TOP 5
5. Twilight Soundtrack
4. Beyonce – I am…Sasha Fierce
3. Kanye West – 808s & Heartbreak
2. Nickelback – Dark Horse
1. Taylor Swift – Fearless
THE WORST FOODS OF 2009
In the bit that should have been called “Inspiration to Keep Your New Year’s Resolution”, Kidd went over some of the foods from the Top 10 Worst Foods of 2009:
Worst “Healthy” Sandwich
A 12″ Veggie Supreme from Blimpie’s ought to be fairly healthy – right? How about 1106 calories and 56 grams of fat – are you kidding me? That’s equal to two Big Macs – it has 3 different kinds of cheese and is drenched in oil – sound like an artery clogger to me – even a 6″ would put you down for a nap!
Worst Kids’ Meal
I hate to even hear this because I LOVE LOVE LOVE Chili’s – but I guess I won’t be taking Sydney to seat there any time soon – from Chili’s Kids’ Menu, the Pepper Pals Country-Fried Chicken Crispers with Ranch Dressing and Homestyle Fries – 1110 calories and 82 grams of fat – OMG – I think that’s enough to kill a kid! a moderately active 8-year-old boy is supposed to consume around 1,600 calories a day – no wonder there’s an obesity problem in this country!
Romano’s Macaroni Grill Dessert Ravioli – oh no! who doesn’t love dessert? And who doesn’t splurge on dessert for special occasions – anniversary, birthday, Valentines – 1630 calories and 74 grams of fat – that is equal to 4 Quarter Pounders – I don’t think I could eat one Quarter Pounder – but I could sure as hell finish off that Dessert Ravioli – maybe 2 – ugh!!
oh no – not Chili’s again – the Chili’s Smokehouse Bacon Triple-The-Cheese Big Mouth Burger with Jalapeno Ranch Dressing has 2040 calories and 150 grams of fat – first of all, with that long of a name, you KNOW it’s not low-fat – but come on – two and a half days’ worth of fat in one sitting – and a third of that fat is saturated!! That’s the same as eating eight 6-ounce roasted sirloin steaks
Uno Chicago Grill Pizza Skins I haven’t been to Uno’s in years and thanks to this it’ll probably be a few more – a full order has 2,400 calories and 155 g fat – you have got to be joking me right now – eating a full order by yourself is the same as eating a Large Domino’s Hand-Tossed Sausage Pizza! I guess I’ll stick with that because I KNOW I can’t eat an entire pizza
And last but quite certainly NOT the least …
The Worst Food of 2009
Baskin Robbins Large Chocolate Oreo Shake – aw man!! Who doesn’t love a shake? Especially one with Oreos! 2,600 calories and 135 grams of fat – last year baskin Robbins made the list with the Heath Bar Shake – it has more sugar than 20 bowls of Froot Loops, (mmm Fruit Loops!) and more calories than 11 actual Heath Bars – ugh. I think I’m going to go work out – or take a nap – anything but eat!!
Blah-blah-blah – this part is so dull because you don’t really care about any of the contestants – but there were 2 people that stood out from last night’s auditions – Michael Castro and Danny Gokey – Michael is Jason Castro’s(of last season) little brother and has a very nice voice – he made it through and it will be interesting to see how far he goes – then there was Danny – before Danny sang, he talked about his wife who passed away 4 weeks before the audition – the story was very touching and then he sang a song by Gavin DeGraw – he was pretty good and of course made it through – but he wouldn’t have if Shanon had anything to do with it – for the most part, Shanon stays pretty quiet on the show … until she has something to say – like accusing Danny of playing the dead wife card – Shanon says that she wasn’t trying to be mean, she was just telling it like it T-I-S – if Shanon was on American Idol, she said she would TOTALLY play up the fact that when she was 5, her cousin was killed in a car accident and the next day her grandma had a stroke and her house got broken into twice that same week – and they walked in on one of the robberies with 2 guns propped up in the kitchen – then her mom yelled, “that’s right you F’ers – run away!!” and that was the first time Shanon heard her mom say the F bomb – surely that would elicit enough sympathy to get her to Hollywood – and then she called Danny a big fat liar and I’m pretty sure there are going to be a LOT of people that are going to be really mad at Shanon – but that’s okay, because Mr. Architect and AprilButterfly from the chat room agreed with her
FUNNIEST CONVERSATION OF THE SHOW
Talking about Kenny Chesney …
J Si: He’s short, like you
Kidd: You didn’t have to say “like you” – you could’ve just said he’s short
J Si: He’s short
Kidd: I’m not that short
J Si: I think he’s shorter than you are
Kidd: Of course he is – if he’s short, he has to be – in most countries, I am not thought of as short
Kellie: The underdeveloped malnourished countries where their growth is stunted
GEEZ, KIDD – MEAN MUCH?
Kellie posted a picture on her MySpace of her younger, heavier days – she’s wearing a “belted khaki safari dress” with the collar popped because the salesgirl told her that wearing the collar up would draw people’s attention to her face and away from her body – comments from Kidd during this story – “Looks like you went on a wild game hunt and ate all the wild game” and “You look SO much better now” – um, thanks … I think
THE THING AL SAID THAT MADE ME LAUGH
While we were trying to decide on a name for the KKITM nightclub
Kellie: “We can call it Ego”
Big Al: “We can call it Eggo and serve pancakes”
Kidd: “Um, Eggos are waffles”
THINGS YOU MIGHT HEAR ON TODAY’S SHOW
Kellie wants to know who high fives a blind guy
Big Al says veggie burgers are EWWWW
J Si says don’t let your girl pick her name on your phone
Sexy Jack says he has a joke that will beat anything J Si can bring
Shanon cried after a salesperson tried to make her feel like crap
Kidd is asking the questions “Why would anyone listen to us?” and “Who on the show is most likely to die alone?”
Britney ran into Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel at a restaurant but there was no confrontation
David Cook and Kimberly Caldwell have split are no more
Tony Romo and Papa Joe are all BFF and Tony may propose soon
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have named their daughter Seraphina Rose Elizabeth Affleck
LOVE LETTERS TO KELLIE
If your husband leaves you at home alone with the baby every weekend to go play video games with his friends, you should be mad
If you found your fiancé/baby daddy in bed with another girl and you stay with him, then you get what you get
If you’re still hanging on to your ex who dumped you 3 years ago, it’s time to move on
If your baby daddy is with you but doesn’t want to get married, give him an ultimatum but be ready to back it up
If you’re 20 years old and mature enough to live with your 50 year old boyfriend, then you should be mature enough to tell your parents
If you caught your boyfriend coming out of a strip club, you need to decide if that’s something you can deal with
The show is headed to the Bahamas and they’re taking you with them! We are giving away 9 – that’s right, NINE – trips to the Atlantis resort in the Bahamas – but it’s not just the trip – there’s going to be a big concert with Kelly Clarkson as the headliner – I LOVE Kelly Clarkson – plus Lily Allen, Second Hand Serenade, Kevin Rudolph and Krista (from Music That Makes You Cooler) – the trip starts February 11th, from Thursday to Sunday – so the winner also gets tickets to the concert and tickets to the premiere of the remake of Friday the 13th– and did I mention we’re giving away 9 trips?? We haven’t worked out all the details on how we’re giving away the trips yet, but I can guarantee you that one will include Big Al the Bahama Mama and a costume – and considering Al’s previous costumes … the Wordie Birdie, the Fairy Godbrother, the Bunny Suit, the Effeminate Elf – this contest is guaranteed to be comedy gold – and you know what I’m thinking … pictures – lots of them – blackmail anyone??
AMERICAN IDOL aka WHO HIGH FIVES A BLIND GUY
I don’t watch American Idol – I haven’t since Kelly Clarkson (who I LOVE) won – and i’ll be watching The Biggest Loser instead – but I don’t have to watch it because I can get all the scoop from KKITM!
Kara Dioguardi’s overuses the whole “honey, sweetie, baby, etc” – yeah, that won’t get old fast!
This season is a kinder, gentler American Idol – 11 of the 18 auditions they showed are going to Hollywood
Scott McIntyre was the blind guy with the great voice – when he came out of the audition room, Ryan Seacrest gave him a high five – but the guy obviously couldn’t see it – um, awkward
Katrina Darrel was the girl that auditioned in a bikini – she sang Mariah Carey and was immediately voted through by Simon and Randy – I’m guessing it was because of the bikini because she wasn’t that great – then she got into it with Kara after Kara told her she didn’t do Mariah’s song justice – Kara tried to show her how it was done but she took it the wrong way and Katrina said Kara did a bad job – um, not so much – I’m predicting failure for Katrina
WE NEVER CLOSE (shout out New Orleans!)
So we headed over to the KKITM club next door – and wouldn’t you know it – those same construction sounds were still going strong – so it’s not ready to open just yet – but Kidd says that the club will open either today at noon or tomorrow at 9pm – either way, we won’t be here – sooooo … Kidd says that based on a major market research focus group, the perfect name for the club would be Kidd’s Krib – and then the commercial would have a sound bite of a baby crying after it – but everyone else immediately vetoed that – some alternate names that were thrown out were Stress, which doesn’t sound that positive for a club, Free Beer – which J Si said was false advertisement unless we spelled it Fribiere like Kidd suggested – Great , which Kellie called lame – Skeered, which sounded too country – Ed’s Disco just because it sounded funny and then back to Kidd’s Krib – it might have been a go if J Si hadn’t called it stupid – but then Kidd got defensive because no one liked his name and decided that the rest of the show should come up with a name – so during the break, everyone but Kidd got together to choose a name and 8 minutes later, it was done – but before they announced it, they went down the list of the previous finalists – funny how they all had to do with Kidd …
Fax Paper – not an appropriate cub name but funny because Fax Paper totally gives Kidd the heebies – why? Because he thinks about licking it – ew.
Perez – in honor of Kidd’s feud with Perez Hilton (who I find to be completely lame)
Seacrest – in honor of Kidd’s Number One Nemesis
Club Busey – in honor of Kidd’s infamous Tickle and Pee Incident with Gary Busey
Freddys – because of Kidd’s love for all things Freddy
And Shanon’s recommendation – Hangars – which of course is a call back to Kidd’s nose issues – yikes!
Over all, the names weren’t terrible but the one that won out was Shorties! It’s perfect – we can have all the doors be 5’6″ and use “Shorty Get Loose” as the theme song! Plus think of all the promotions – we’d be the only club in America with a V.I.P.WEE card = we could have Short Night and everyone would have to wear shorts – Petite Meet and Greets – Tiny Guy Night where you have to come in through a dog door to get in – the possibilities are endless!
KELLIE RASBERRY – GET OFF OF MY SPEAKER!!!!
So now that we have a name, we need a commercial – please, please, please listen to it on the kPod – CO-ME-DY!! talk about Behind the Mic – this is exactly why we don’t do liners live – we had Cappy as the announcer – of course I’m not sure why we chose a guy who hasn’t been to a club in years to be the club announcer – Jenna as the female voice – only she’s still a little new and had trouble pronouncing the word “hottest” – then there was Kellie aka the Bitkiller – she was pretty much over the whole commercial from jump and after the 3rd take, she was D-O-N-E, DONE! But you know what it was – FUNNY!!! I am SO hoping we get to hear the finished product before we send it out to the stations to promote the club – Cappy???
SHOWBIZ TOP 5
#5 – NKOTB is doing a fantasy fan cruise – Slow Motion LAAAAAAAAAAAME
#4 – Amy Winehouse has to beg guests for alcohol after being cut off by hotel staff – but at least she’s off the crack, right?
#3 – Katy Perry says she is O-V-E-R Travi – sure you are – that’s why you’re talking about it
#2 – Hayden Panitierre was kicked out of a club in Suffern NY for being underage and then called the police when they confiscated her ID – Suffern is the place where Aiden had his house on Sex in the City – remember Carried suffering in Suffern?
#1 – Britney and her mama ran into Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel at a restaurant but no one spoke to each other and Britney left early – AWKWARD!!
“I’D RATHER NOT GO AND YOU WISH I WAS THERE, THAN HAVE ME GO AND WISH I HAD NOT” – Kellie Rasberry
Kidd and Kellie are headed to LA on Thursday and you know what that means – hookers and blow!! lol – TOTALLY kidding – while Kidd is probably down for a little kicking it, Kellie is known to head back to her room for room service on business trips – Kellie’s NOT known for her party all night lifestyle – plus, she just had major surgery and hasn’t fully recovered yet – so it’s not a stretch to expect that Kellie will want to bail on Friday night – and Kellie is COMPLETELY fine with Kidd hanging out with his celebrity friends without Kellie – but Kidd really wants Kellie to go despite what Kellie says – Al suggested Kidd whip out his secret weapon – the Cosmo – because 2-3 Drink Kellie is FUN! Not to be confused with 7-10 Drink Kellie (who while amusing, is NOT fun!) – Kidd and Al went on and on and threw out everything they could think of to get Kellie to commit to hanging out in LA Friday night – and after all of that, the conversation went like this –
Kidd: “Are we hanging Friday night or not?”
Kellie: “I’ll have to get back to you on that”
Tomorrow – a new Happy Couple with J Si and Jenna
FUNNIEST LINE OF THE SHOW
“Ouch doesn’t make it feel better – only hard consonants that start with F make it feel better!” – Kidd talking about times you have to cuss – like when there’s an injury to the manhood
THE THING AL SAID THAT MADE ME LAUGH
“I’m a pooping machine” – totally out of context and not nearly as funny if I tell you the story – so I won’t – we’ll just listen to the drop over and over again!
THE THING KIDD SAID THAT MADE ME LAUGH
“Kellie, I’ve been having problems with relationships, so I just bought He’s Just Not That Into You”- Kidd making fun of Al buying the book Skinny B
THINGS I LEARNED ON TODAY’S SHOW
Biotin will make your hair grow
THINGS YOU MIGHT HEAR ON TODAY’S SHOW
Kellie is itching in 2 very inconvenient places
Big Al doesn’t know how Jack Bauer is going to save the world this time
J Si almost got into a full blown brawl at Target
Sexy Jack and Brit had their first fight of 2009 and it was all because of The Bachelor
THE BACHELOR BLAH-BLAH-BLAH
The Bachelor was on last night and it seems like I’m not the only one who has soured on Jason since yesterday’s phoner with him – the show seems to have lost a little of their love but there are still women who LOVE this dude – and a few guys – like 33 year old, straight Mike who called to tell us that he’s in love with Jason, the Bachelor – Mike says Jason is good looking, has a great smile and attracts hot women – he’s the ultimate wing man – I guess – Kidd pointed out that it’s usually a HUGE red flag when a guy spends a lot of time telling you “I’m a nice guy” and “I’m genuine” – and guess who falls in to that category? I guess we’ll see how that plays out – I mean, the dude is already mugging down with every chick on the show and it’s only week 2 – how genuine is that? Whatev – another random Bachelor story – when J Si, Sexy Jack and Jenna were at the Bachelor/Bachelorette audition, Jeremy (who came in 3rd place on the last Bachelorette) was there trying to audition for the show again – and when he introduced himself to people, guess what his intro was – “Hi, I’m Jeremy from the bachelorette – I came in 3rd place …” – BWAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Megan Fox is mad because her fiancé Brian Austin Green skipped the Golden Globes
Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen are officially engaged
Howie Mandel was hospitalized with an irregular heartbeat, NOT a heart attack
Britney Spears is looking for a Harvard graduate to run her Internets stuff
DOCTOR, DOCTOR – GIVE ME THE NEWS …
Kidd was on The Doctors show yesterday and as much as Kidd hates to be on TV, he looked great!! they filmed the show right after we got back from the Kidd’s Kids trip and surprised Kidd with a special thank you video from Jacob, a Kidd’s Kid who lives in Illinois – Jacob is blind and had never ridden an escalator, so that was his big experience at Disney – he and Kidd must have gone on the escalator a million times – and at the end of the trip, he rode it alone! The other surprise was when Jay McGraw (Dr. Phil’s son who produces the show) showed up with a surprise from the Dr. Phil Foundation – a $10,000 check for Kidd’s Kids – how cool is that?
Things we learned in today’s edition of ‘Zine Scene …
Jenna sometimes sprays perfume on her hair if it’s dirty and she doesn’t want to take a shower
Rubbing thick moisturizing cream on your cold sores is supposed to help – AL!!!!
You should smell a guy’s sweat to see if he’s into you (smells like teen spirit) – or you can just read that book, He’s Just Not That Into You
KIDD KRADDICK IN THE MORNING – THE NIGHTCLUB
So the KKITM club was supposed to open last night but based on the noise, we’re still under construction – you would think that the last minute touches would be things like paint and trim – but apparently Kidd made some last minute changes to the DJ booth (imagine that!) so they’re still working on the club – of course that didn’t stop the show from working on some promotional ideas for our new 24 hour club – Kellie requested Jive Turkey Night and J Si asked for Angry Small Breasted Pioneer Woman Night, but the best idea was Honky Night – Bring a honky, get in free – of course the idea behind Honky night doesn’t have anything to do with race – it’s all about Kidd’s amusement by repeating the word “honky” – yes, we are all 10 years old
THE REAL REASON AL ISN’T EATING MEAT
Yesterday, Al announced that he’s only eating fish for the next 30 days – he also mentioned that he left his favorite hangout (Primo’s ) to go buy a book over the weekend – and now it’s all come together – Big Al is reading that crazy book, Skinny B – there are a couple of things wrong with this situation – the first being that the book is geared towards women – so for Big Al to be reading it is crazy – second, who really thinks that Al is going to eliminate all animal products for a full month – come on!! but he is starting off well – he even went out into the hall this morning so that he could read 2 chapters before he show started – now, I know what you’re thinking because we asked ourselves the same question – but no, Al did not take Skinny B to the Number 2 bathroom – just the hallway – anyway, I’ll be interested to see if he sticks with it – and if he loses any weight!
BEAN AND CHEESE PRODUCTION
This week’s Bean and Cheese production was about Kellie’s chronic cough – the song itself was funny – but all it really did was lead into yet another discussion between Kidd and Kellie about her cough – Kellie says that she has been to the doctor and has taken every medication under the sun and basically it’s just something that will eventually get better – but Kidd thinks the cough could be alleviated with a quick trip to the doctor but wants Kellie to see his special throat doctor instead of her regular “physician” – oh, will it ever end?
JUST STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT, PEOPLE!!
Kellie just spent the last 6 months redecorating the house that she bought when she and Freddie were married – she got the house in the divorce even though she didn’t really love it, and afterwards decided to remodel – a job that was supposed to take a couple of months turned into 6 and now Kellie just found out that she’s going to have to have some foundation work done – this, of course, is in addition to the foundation work that was done by the previous owner and has something to do with a sump pump – I have no idea what a sump pump is it sounds like it has something to do with plumbing – and that’s never good!
MUSIC THAT MAKES YOU COOLER
Krista -Temporary Insanity – check her out on myspace.com/krista
Utada Hikaru – from Japan – she’s the biggest selling Japanese artist of all time
Gabrielle Cilmi – from Australia – nothing sweet about me
And the new Kelly Clarkson single, “My Life Would Suck Without You” – WOO HOO – it’s about time!!
SHOWBIZ TOP 5
#5 – Blake Incarcerated is divorcing Amy Winehouse for adultery – oh no, Blakey Incarcerated!!
#4 – Howie Mandel did NOT have a heart attack – can you imagine that germaphobe as a patient?
#3 – Sandra Bullock and Jesse James are taking care of his daughter because her mom is in jail – NICE …
#2 – Lil Wayne donated $200,000 to restore the playground he grew up on in New Orleans – Lil Wayne loves the kids
#1 – The Blink 182 reunion tour is on hold until the band is sure they can work together again – I bet Shanna is to blame!
IT TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE
J Si and Kinsey took a trip to Target yesterday and as all 10 year old boys do, J Si immediately headed for the ty department – while he was there, he came across the GI Joe Action vehicle – while he was checking it out, this kid who looked to be about 8 years old came up to J SI and said that he wanted to see it – so J Si showed him where they were on the shelf – except the kid wanted to see the one J Si was holding on to – but rather than J Si taking the high road (or the role of the adult) and giving the kid the toy, J Si tried to explain that they were all the same – well, the kid wasn’t too impressed with that because he looked J Si dead in the eye and said with attitude, “fine be-yotch” – oh lord. “Excuse me?” J Si said – the kid looked at J Si and repeated, “You heard me … be-yotch” – very nice. So J Si asked him where his mom was and the kid responded with the classic 8 year old come back, “why don’t you go hump a cat’s tail” – Luckily Kinsey happened to walk up at that time and calmed J SI down before he could throw down in Target with an 8 year old – J Si still decided to follow the kid and even saw him in the checkout line with his mom – I think he wanted to say something but I guess thought better of it when the kid stuck his tongue out at J Si while he standing right next to his mom – I don’t know – my first instinct would have been to say something to the mom, but then my guess is that she already knows she has a bad-ass kid and doesn’t really care!
I CAN MAKE ANYBODY CUSS
Kidd proudly bragged that he can he make anyone cuss – he said that he even made his priest cuss because he was so frustrated with Kidd – I’m not sure that Kidd should be viewing this is some sort of accomplished talent, but I can attest to the fact that it is true – before I worked here, I had completely stopped cussing – and I had quite the potty mouth before – and now it seems I’ve come full circle! Anyway, Kidd is looking for parents who are 100%, absolutely sure that their kids will not cuss – because Kidd is sure that they will – if that’s you, send Kidd an email – email@example.com with the word “cussing” in the subject line
PASS THE PEANUT
The idea behind pass the peanut is to say something nice about whomever you pass the peanut to – then they have to pass it on and say something nice about whoever they pass the peanut to – so Kidd started:
Kidd gave it to J Si and said he loved that J Si went to the toy section at Target
J Si gave it to Kellie and thanked her for throwing him the best birthday party
Kellie gave it to Jack because he gave her the sweetest Christmas card that she kept for a while before throwing it away
Jack gave it to Al because he always comes in with a smile on his face
Al gave it to Kidd for showing a genuine appreciation for his Christmas present
Kidd gave it to Shanon because he loves to see the smile on her face
Shanon gave it to J Si because he makes her laugh and she loves to read his blog
J Si gave it to Kellie because her new boobs are awesome
Kellie gave it to Al because he always comes to do manly duties (I said duties) at her house whenever she calls
Al gave it back to Kellie because her attitude is better now that she has new boobs
Kellie gave it to Kidd for doing a good job on The Doctors
Kidd gave it to Kellie because he’s looking forward to traveling with her (and her new boobs)
Kellie gave it to Jack for politely tolerating her sexual advances
Jack gave it to Kellie because he’s able to look at her (and her new boobs) every day – are you sensing a trend here??
Kellie gave it to Shanon because Shanon listens to Kellie badmouth people
Shanon gave it back to Kellie for letting Shanon badmouth back without repeating it
Kellie gave it to J Si and thanked him for not being Rich (as in Shertenlieb, not as in wealthy)
J Si gave it back to Kellie for allowing him to come over on Thanksgiving
And then the peanut was back to Kellie … AGAIN – And with that Kellie announced she had run out of nice things to say about people – including Kidd – whom she only had one nice thing to say about during the whole peanut passing game – hmm …
AWKWARD MOMENT OF THE DAY
Kellie telling us that all of her friends want to feel her boobies – and then listening to Kidd describe the lollipop scar on a breast lift
BAD LOOKING OUT
“I’m not really that good at anything – but I can juggle a soccer ball for ‘like an hour'” – Jenna – here’s a word of advice Jenna – if you’re trying to start a career in radio, you should probably be good at something (besides juggling a soccer ball) – that whole Big Al thing – a TOTAL fluke!
BEHIND THE SCENES
What does this look like to you?
Now Andrew says it’s Cobra Commander – but it TOTALLY looks like something else to me (and everyone else in the office!)
THE THING KIDD SAID THAT MADE ME LAUGH
Saying that Fergie and Josh Duhamel went to The Black Eyed Pea for their honeymoon – totally corny and stupid, I know – but it literally made me laugh out loud
THINGS YOU MIGHT HEAR ON TODAY’S SHOW
Kellie says if you’re not watching Confessions of a Teen Idol and Rock Of Love Bus, you’re missing out!
Big Al could not decide what to watch last night – Golden Globes or 24
J Si might be dead in a couple of months
Shanon wants to know if it’s okay to tell your BFF that he’s a stupid idiot if it comes from a good place
Sexy Jack needs a new hobby and is thinking about taking dance lessons
Kidd is going to be on TV today
Kanye West wants your love, just a lot less of it
Patrick Swayze is in the hospital with pneumonia
Paris Hilton has written a song about her brief stint in jail
Fergie and Josh Duhamel are finally married
QUESTION OF THE DAY
A discussion about the Golden Globe Awards led into the question “Which guy is Kidd now? An Office guy or a 30 Rock guy?” – he’s become a fan of both shows but can’t decide which show he loves more – that of course turned into the phone topic, “If you were on a deserted island and could only have one season of one tv show on DVD, what would it be?” a couple of the shows we got from listeners were Season 4 of One Tree Hill, the final season of friends, Season 5 of Stargate SG1 (um, Andrew – how did you get through the phones?), Season 4 of Desperate Housewives, Everybody Loves Raymond, Grey’s Anatomy – Season 4 – and from the 15 year old girl that says that she looks JUST LIKE Blake Lively … Season 2 of Gossip Girl! Then it was time for the show to give their picks – Kellie chose Season 1 of Survivor because it was the first reality show that she was truly passionate about – J Si picked Season 5 of Family Guy (though he said he’d really take any season) – Al’s was the first season of 24 because they had a black president – Sexy Jack picked Home Improvement (Pamela Anderson anyone?) and Shanon picked the first season of Nip/Tuck – and then finally it was time for Kidd to reveal his choice – what would it be? The Office or 30 Rock? Al called it before he could even get it out – Curb Your Enthusiasm – I should’ve known – how could you deny the greatness that is Larry David!!
SOMEONE ON THE SHOW IS GOING TO DIE BY DROWNING
A long time ago, the show had a psychic on the show who predicted that someone on the show would die by drowning -now the obvious choice would be Big Al because although he wants to retire on a beach in Mexico, he can’t swim – of course we all thought that might be a prediction that would actually come true but after today … I don’t know! Kidd was responding to the 15 year old girl that says that she looks JUST LIKE Blake Lively and was in the middle of the sentence, “Gossip Girl Season ..” when all of a sudden, it sounded like Kidd had just fallen in a 20 foot deep pool – except there was no splash – just the sound of a gallon of water flushing through his throat – and as soon as it happened it was over – it was the most random thing – and everyone in the studio broke down in laughter while Kidd tried to plow through – kind of like when you trip and almost fall and you keep walking in the hopes that no one saw you! Crazy – even the Chat Room thought it was nuts
iorange55: What in the world Kidd?
iorange55: i’m trying to think of something funny to say to that but I can’t think of anything
iorange55: just let the noise speak for itself
OFF THE WAGON
J Si and his friends decided that their New Year’s Resolution was going to be to stop drinking – J Si told me on Friday that they were just going to do it for a month because they were tired of waking up hungover and feeling like crap – he also said that once he got into better shape, they would probably start drinking again because etheir bodies would be able to handle it – now this was Friday after work, so about noon? Yeah, I’m thinking that lasted about 5 minutes because J Si says the whole New Year’s Resolution only lasted 10 days – sometime Friday evening, he and his friends decided to change it to “we can only drink on the weekends” – with the option to add a day during the week if they decide they need it later – um, 12 step program anyone??
WOW WHAT A WEEKEND
The idea behind “Wow, What A Weekend!!” is to have the show tell something that happened during their weekend and have listeners call in and guess who it happened to – so here are the questions:
Which member of the show bought something to wear on television?
Which member of the show decided to go on an all fish diet?
Which member of the show had their cable and phone shut off on the same day for non-payment?
Which member of the show was told by a friend that Suge Knight wants to kill them?
And here are the answers
HOW ABOUT UNCLE DADDY – BLAH-BLAH-BLAH
As is the case with most things KKITM, there’s a story within “Wow, What A Weekend!!” – Friday we were talking about Tupac and someone mentioned that Suge Knight claims to know who killed Tupac – J Si thought that was pretty sorry and called Suge a coward – of course Kidd and Al distanced from that with a quickness for fear that the word would somehow get back to Suge Knight that they were talking trash about him – enter Uncle Daddy – UD was apparently leaving for Vegas Friday morning and heard the show – then over the weekend, he texted J Si to tell him that Suge Knight’s son was in town last Friday, heard J Si call Suge a coward and now wants to kill him – or some such – geez – dramatic (and a liar?) much Uncle Daddy? haven’t we already established that Uncle Daddy is full of crap? Next thing you know, I’ll be getting a phone call from Uncle Daddy saying that Suge Knight wants to kill me for talking crap about Uncle Daddy
WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE aka THE WEEKEND RAP UP
There were 2 very disturbing elements that were discovered as a result of this week’s Rap Up – the first is that Big Al has a fetish for tights and women’s clothing – Big Al went to a pajama party this weekend and decided to wear a red nightgown with pink tights under it! Yeah, I would leave it at that – but let’s briefly recall all the other times that Big Al has worn tights – there was the Fairy Prom Brother costume, the Effeminate Elf costumes, the Spider Mack outfit when he had all his junk showing – then there are all the times he just dressed like a girl – the Ghetto man costume where he wore a bra over his shirt, Kellie’s Naughty Nighty and then the time he wore the Toni Braxton dress – disturbing! And what’s even more disturbing was all singing that he wanted a woman … Dead or Alive – there has to be some sort of sexual harassment violation somewhere in there!
JASON FROM THE BACHELOR
I’ll admit that I am not a fan of The Bachelor – it’s a show that I am COMPLETELY uninterested in – but I did know that last season’s Bachelorette came down to Deanna choosing between Jason and Jesse – and I really liked Jason more – but after today’s interview – not so much – the first question we asked was about the rumor that Jesse would be back this season – of course we got the “Well, you’ll have to just wait and see” – okay, that’s expected – but after that I thought he was kind of rude – he said that even though he found love this season and actually proposed to someone, on the last day of the show he was still deeply in love with 2 women – huh? Then when Kidd asked him about it, he acted like that was the most ridiculous thing ever! And then had attitude about it – dude, we’re promoting your show – how about not being a jerk? And if that wasn’t enough – he’s clearly not too smart – he has a kid but said it never occurred to him that the woman he ends up with will be his son’s “step-mom” – role model or mentor, but not step-mom – cause that makes sense – yeah, I wasn’t going to watch The Bachelor anyway – so it’s not like they lost a viewer – but it definiltey changed my opinion of him
SHOWBIZ TOP 5
#5 – NBC has announced the member of “Celebrity Apprentice 2“- um, Andrew Dice Clay? He’s still considered a celebrity?
#4 – Ne-Yo wants you to know he is NOT gay – and he did not get beat up by Jim Jones – aren’t you glad you know that?
#3 – Vanessa Hudgens has auditioned for the Twilight sequel, New Moon – anything that will help her get past that High School Musical typecasting
#2 – J Lo and Marc Anthony walked the red carpet without their wedding rings on purpose – um, because they’re getting di vorced?
#1 – Fergie and Josh Duhamel got married on Saturday – he is SO freaking hot – but I like Fergie so I guess if he had to marry someone besides me, I’m okay with him marrying her
Here’s how you know that J Si really, really loves Kinsey – because today she called in to sing him a song called “The Chargers Lost” and he’s still with her – I’m sure that you know that J Si is a rabid Chargers fan – and he’s pretty close toa full blown depression over the fact that they’re not going to the Superbowl – not that they ever had a real chance – but whatev – anyway, Kinsey thinks J Si should buy a DVD player in her car to make her feel better – why? Because she wants to make movies while she drives – Kinsey has decided that this is the perfect way to make her famous – she’s going to post the movies on You Tube and create a You Tube video series called “Kinsey Calls You Out” – it will be Kinsey calling out people who are bad drivers – we tried to warn her that it might be dangerous because of the number of crazy people driving around with Road Rage – but I don’t think she’s too concerned – Kinsey says if she gets shot in a fit of Road Rage, it would be the most viewed video on You Tube … CALIFORNIA …..
WHO ARE YA’? WHO ARE YA’??
The Bachelor was casting in our city last week so what better way to get some good content for the show than to send the 20 something crowd to audition – Jack and Jenna – the only problem is that apparently jack and Jenna don’t know how to use the audio recorder – well, that and excuse that since Jack and Jenna introduced themselves as being from the show, they didn’t get picked – apparently you have to be one of the pretty people to be selected from the show and the way the selection process starts is by everyone hanging out in a bar/club – the “judges” spend that time looking down on the crowd from a penthouse and then select the contestants based on their looks – Jack had a good bit ready to go if he had actually been selected, but that didn’t happen – and good thing because there still wouldn’t be any audio – in an effort to save the break, Kidd had Jack and Jenna analyze each other –
3 Comments From Jack About Jenna’s Interview:
Jenna headed straight for the food upon arrival
The only interesting thing Jenna had to say was “I like to read”
And she was very nervous
3 Comments From Jenna About Jack’s Interview:
Jack’s intro line was “I’m cheesy”
He mentioned that he likes sunny days and fruit
And the fact that Jack got the casting director’s phone number – hmmm … I wonder how Brit felt about that??
KIDD – YOU’RE A TV STAR
There are few things in the world that Kidd Kraddick hates more than being on TV – and when I say “hates” – I mean HATES!! Kidd would probably rather have a root canal rather than be on TV – but because of the exposure it brings to the show, Kidd sucks it up – especially when the exposure is to Kidd’s Kids!!! today’s episode of The Doctors features Kidd’s Kids but I’ll tell you all about that tomorrow! Cause right now it’s all about Kidd and Kellie and their trip to LA – they’re going to film the episode of The Doctors that focuses on Sommer, the person we chose for our Getting Sexy Back makeover – Jay McGraw (who produces The Doctors) called into the show today to promote both episodes and it turns out that there will be another reason Kidd will hate being in TV – Dr. Travis Stork (the host of The Doctors and former Bachelor) is about 6’6″ – and Kellie will be wearing heels that will make her about 6’1″ – so basically, Kidd is going to be (in his words) the “least tallest” person on the show – or like the rest of the world would say “the shortest” – hmm … not.good. – as it is, Kidd didn’t even want to watch today’s episode of The Doctors – and it was all about Kidd’s Kids – it’s going to be really bad when he has to stand next to Tall (Kellie) and Taller (Dr. Travis)
iTUNES TOP 5
5. Beyonce – Single Ladies
4. Taylor Swift – Love Story
3. The All American Rejects – Gives You Hell
2. Kanye West – Heartless
1. Lady Gaga – Just Dance