we’re baaaackk

August 25, 2008 at 9:36 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments


FUNNIEST CONVERSATION OF THE SHOW

“I had to pee by a tree this weekend – and it worked – well, the tree served its function” – Shanon

“That is not the function of the tree” – Kellie

FUNNIEST LINE OF THE SHOW – Kidd to Kellie

Name a time when Al has listened to your advice and heeded it … ***crickets***

KIDD’S “I’M GAY” MOMENT

Kidd owns the new David Beckham fragrance (his words, not mine!)- he and Al decided that it’s masculine, spicy, fruity, woody and tropical like – and now Kidd is an expert on all things David Beckham – um, okay …

LINE I’M STEALING FROM KINSEY

One of us has to be the smart one – I’ve looked around – it’s not you

MY PERSONAL ‘HA-HA-HA!!!” MOMENT

We called information for a listing for Heidi Montag Records and of course there was no listing (was there any doubt) – Kellie wanted to Google “Heidi Montag Records” and Kidd threatened to turn of the Internets if she did because it wasn’t interesting to listen to – no, it wasn’t – but for some reason, I found this to be hysterically funny

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU SAY HMMMM …

J Si sticking up for Joel Madden for not proposing to Nicole yet – J Si said it’s not because Joel doesn’t love Nicole – of course he loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her – but he’s really busy and on tour and is focusing on his career as a morning radio personality … uh, J Si – Joel Madden’s not on the radio …

WORDS OF WISDOM FROM KKITM

Swim diapers do not absorb pee – they are designed to catch solids – aren’t you glad you know that??

THINGS YOU MIGHT HEAR ON TODAY’S SHOW

Kellie could not sleep last night because she was so excited about coming back to work

Big Al thinks he’s big time because he got a text message from Joe Biden

J Si’s dog got kicked in the face by some random girl and made her bleed

Shanon almost chased a drunk guy with a stun gun

HOW SORRY IS BIG AL

J Si’s intro about his dog reminded Kidd about the time that we threatened to turn Big Al into the SPCA – Big Al’s dog Stretch has diabetes and as a result is blind – did I mention that the reason Stretch has diabetes is because Al fed her nonstop and she’s overweight – so now that you know the background, Al thought it would be funny to move his furniture around (from the regular spots that Stretch was familiar with) and watch her run into everything – isn’t that funny??  NO. IT’S.NOT.

SHANON’S HOMELESS CAMPGROUND CAMPING TRIP

During vacation, Shanon went camping with 2 of her friends and they all slept in her tent – but they didn’t go camping at an actual campground – it was at a public place on the side of the road – huh??  there were drunk people camping next to them (imagine that – drunk people camping at a public place on the side of the road –  um, homeless perhaps?  Was the campfire in a barrel?) – and in the middle of the night, one of the guys from the other tent thought it would be funny to jump on her tent and yell “wake up (insert bad word here) and then touched Shanon – now, Shanon never went into detail about how he actually touched her – but like she said “you don’t touch Shanon” – I guess Shanon was prepared for some type of shenanigans (don’t you just love the word shenanigans – or in this case Shanon-igans) because she was sleeping with her stun gun (who sleeps with a stun gun??) – anyway, Shanon was fully prepared to go after the drunk guy with 900,000 watts of electricity – and she even had her hand on the zipper (that’s what she said) of the tent – but she decided not to stun him after all and well – that‘s where the story ends

THE OVERUSE OF THE WORD AMAZING

Michael Phelps has jumped on the “Freddy Bandwagon” with the use of the word amazing – seriously?  we were gone an entire week and the second thing we talk about was the use of the word for amazing? Shanon – was this on the schedule??

JESSICA SIMPSON PSYCHO ALERT

Carrie Underwood told some magazine that she and Tony Romo still talk and that he calls her fairly often – take that Jessica Simpson – well Jessica fired back during a radio interview saying that’s just not true – and how does she know?  Well because she goes through his phone of course – WT … you know the rest!  Are you serious??  it’s one thing to be a psycho – it’s another to openly admit it to God and everybody – you’ve been dating him for about 5 minutes – and you’re already believing  your boyfriend’s ex over him??   hello, I’m your psycho girlfriend and not only do I not trust you, I’m checking up on you every chance I get – yeah, I’m betting the boys in the locker room are having a field day with this one!!

6:31am – the time at which Kidd became completely annoyed with Big Al

HIZZLE

No one cares about John Mayer now that he’s no longer dating Jennifer Aniston

Kim Kardashian cut her foot on a glass coffee table and may have to back out of Dancing With the Stars

A cop pulled a gun on Diddy Saturday night during a routine traffic stop

Nicole Richie is jealous of Mary-Kate Olsen

6:51am – the time where Kidd got mad at Big Al for using his radio hook ups for the benefit of the Two Gay Guys In A Bucket bar – like texting Enrique Iglesias  for Mexican trivia

KELLIE RASBERRY THE BRITNEY SPEARS APOLOGIST

A long time ago, someone released some secret audio of Enrique Iglesias’ microphone isolated while he was singing live at a concert – in the words of Big Al, “not good” – well even though Britney hasn’t been on tour in oh, a hundred years – someone released the same type of audio from one of her concerts – and judging from the songs on the audio, it’s about 7 or 8 years old – but it’s definitely Britney and it’s definitely “not good” – she’s off key and out of breath and maybe messing up on some of the words – and while everyone in the studio laughed and laughed – Kellie could not stop herself from coming to poor Britney’s defense – Kellie claimed that Britney could, in fact, sing and that the reason she sounded so bad was because “she’d been bouncing around for an hour” – yeah, usually I have Kellie’s back and as much as I love me some Britney, I have to go with the rest of the show on this one – it was really bad – not that I care – cause  Istill love to see her perform – but apparently Mama_Nessa from the Chat Room didn’t agree, “OMG! SOmeone stab me in the eye so I can think about something more painful!  I thought that was Shanon singing the whole time!” – aww, why you gotta throw Shanon under the bus like that?

BIG AL’S WEEKEND RAP UP

I really try not to find so much amusement in Big Al’s pain – but he just makes it so ding dang easy!!  So Big Al is trying not to drink so he can drop a couple of lbs before heading to Playa for Labor Day – now normally, you would think that you would have a clearer head when you’re not imbibing – but obviously that wasn’t the case for Al – because why else would he think it would be a good idea to buy Bartendica (his ex-girlfriend) a birthday present and then deliver it to her house at 2am??  Maybe Al was feeling nostalgic – Payton (Al’s son) was in town last week and Bartendica and Payton went to lunch – so maybe the gift was partially a “thanks for still being a part of Payton’s life” present – and in Al’s defense, he and Bartendica had had a few friendly conversations/texts – but I’m willing to bet that at no time did Bartendica say “Al, I miss you and even though you haven’t changed your mind and decided to make your commitment to me more permanent – I’d still like to try this thing again” – in fact, I would bet a million dollars Bartendica didn’t say anything CLOSE to this – so, if it wasn’t liquor – what would make Al think that driving to Bartendica’s house at 2am with a $200 Juicy Couture warm up suit for her would be a good idea??  I don’t know – but here comes the amusement – while Al is sitting in front of Bartendica’s house trying to figure out his next move, who walks up?  Bartendica of course – she’s out walking her dog – but she’s not alone – who walks up walking Baretndica’s other dog?  Her new man – what new man you ask?  That would be the hotter, younger, richer and whiter than Big Al new man – Dang Pootie – so while they see Big Al and walk up to house – Al does the mature thing and fakes fumbling in the back of his car like he’s looking for something – maybe he should have followed E-nigma’s advice and “did like those swiffer commercials and play “Baby come back” J in the meantime, Bartendica and Not Al walk into the house and turn off all the lights – wow. That move evoked an eruption of clapping from the Geek Room – is there a bigger sign that I never want to see you again than turning off the lights when you’re sitting outside your ex’s house??   But instead of appearing more like a stalker and just leaving – Al quietly walked up the steps to Bartendica’s and left the present on her porch – then when Al got back in the car, he heard the one song that has defined his relationship with Bartendica – Second Hand Serenade’s “Fall For You” – I don’t know about you, but if you’re looking for a nice Juicy Couture warm up – I may know where you can get one really cheap!!

SAMANTHA HARRIS PHONER

Samantha Harris of Dancing With the Stars called in to announce this season’s new line up – I was impressed because although Kellie is not a fan of Samantha’s, the boys were very nice and didn’t throw Kellie under the bus by pointing out how Kellie can’t stand Samantha’s annoying “I’m hosting Dancing With the Stars” voice and the asinine questions she always asks the contestants – very nice boys!  Here’s the line up:

82 year old Cloris Leachman (the oldest contestant so far – I hope she doesn’t break a hip)

18 year old Cody Linley (from Hannah Montana)

Warren Sapp (former NFL player)

Toni Braxton (R&B singer)

Maurice Green (former Olympian)

Misti May Traynor (current olympian)

Jeff Ross (comedian)

Rocco DiSpiritu (celebrity chef)

Lance Bass (duh.)

Susan Lucci (All My Children)

Brooke Burke (model)

Kim Kardashian (famous for her big booty)

Ted McGinley (from Married With Children)

The show starts with a 3 hour debut on September 22nd – I can’t wait!!!

Today was the first day of school for a lot of kids and we talked to mom’s who were having a rough time because it was their baby’s first day of school – and if that wasn’t emotional enough – Kidd read, “I Trust You’ll Treat Her Well” which is kind of our Back To School tradition – it may not have affected you if you’re not a parent but it definitely made Lucy think back – she said, “i went home and sat by the phone in case something happened and they needed to call me – it took a few days to feel safe to leave – I didn’t have a cell phone in those days – hahaha” – I’m glad she can laugh about it now – and Ammer93 said, “I stayed outside the classroom door for 2 hours” – they’d probably call the police these days – and leave it to Ross to bust in with the comic relief, “yeah well… My mom cried when I left to be on the KKITM show.” – sure, Ross – she probably locked the door the minute you walked out!  😉  Anyway, because people always ask, here’s the poem

I Trust You’ll Treat Her Well

Dear World:

I bequeath to you today one little girl … in a crispy dress … with two blue eyes … and a happy laugh that ripples all day long … and a flash of light blonde hair that bounces in the sunlight when she runs. I trust you’ll treat her well.

She’s slipping out of the backyard of my heart this morning … and skipping off down the street to her first day of school. And never again will she be completely mine. Prim and proud she’ll wave her young and independent hand this morning and say “Good Bye”… and walk with little lady steps to the schoolhouse.

Now she’ll learn to stand in line … and wait by the alphabet for her name to be called. She’ll learn to tune her ears to the sounds of school-bells … and deadlines … and she’ll learn to giggle … and gossip … and look at the ceiling in a disinterested way when the little boy across the aisle sticks out his tongue at her. And now she’ll learn to be jealous. And now she’ll learn how it is to feel hurt inside. And now she’ll learn how not to cry.

No longer will she have time to sit on the front porch steps on a summer day and watch an ant scurry across the crack in a sidewalk. Nor will she have time to pop out of bed with the dawn to kiss lilac blossoms in the morning dew. No, now she’ll worry about important things. Like grades … and which dress to wear … and who’s best friend is whose. And the magic of books and learning will replace the magic of her blocks and dolls. And now she’ll find new heroes.

For five full years now I’ve been her sage and Santa Claus and pal and playmate and father and friend. Now she’ll learn to share her worship with her teachers … which is only right. But, no longer will I be the smartest man in the whole world. Today when that school bell rings for the first time … she’ll learn what it means to be a member of a group. With all it’s privileges. And it’s disadvantages too.

She’ll learn in time that proper young ladies do not laugh out loud. Or kiss dogs. Or keep frogs in pickle jars in bedrooms. Or even watch ants scurry across cracks in the summer sidewalk.

Today she’ll learn for the first time that all who smile at her are not her friends. And I’ll stand on the front porch and watch her start out on the long, lonely journey to become a woman.

So, World. I bequeath to you today one little girl … in a crispy dress … with two blue eyes and a happy laugh that ripples all day long … and a flash of light blonde hair that bounces in the sunlight when she runs. I trust you’ll treat her well.

KINSEY

Kinsey called in because it’s her first day of school – she took some time off because her brain hurt from spelling (don’t you hate it when that happens?) – she’s a little concerned about having homework tonight and wants J Si to do her homework tonight so that she can watch The Hills – and she certainly won’t be watching the Democratic National Convention because she’s already decided to vote for Osama (or Obama) cause he’s HOT!!   We also found out about Kinsey’s course load for the semester – she’s taking Introduction to the Thong and Introduction to the Introduction to the Thong (I bet those classes will be painful – hahaha – get it?  Painful – cause of the pain when wearing a – oh, never mind …) – Kinsey is also mad at her guidance counselor because he had her tested and then put her in the class with the dummies – all because she spelled college with a “K” on her essay – but not because she didn’t know how to spell college correctly – she spelled it with a K for Kinsey – bet she won’t be having babies with him either!!  And finally, a little peek into the inner workings of Kinsey’s mind – Kinsey is tired of the people that don’t dress up to go to class – so in protest she is going to wear the same thing to school every day – and then take off one piece every day and on the final day, she’s just going to wear body paint on Friday – do you Kinsey LOVE IT??

SHOWBIZ TOP 5

#5 – Da Brat was sentenced to 3 years in prison for slamming a bottle into a restaurant hostess’ face

#4 – The cast of Dancing With the Stars has been revealed (see the Samantha Harris phoner for details)

#3 – Ricky Martin had twin boys born from a surrogate

#2 – David Beckham had a bad car accident on the way to the airport and left Victoria behind to catch his plane

#1 – The salaries of the cast of The Hills has been revealed – Stephanie Pratt makes $8k per episode, Lo and Brody each make $10k, Whitney gets $20k, Audrina gets $35k, Lauren’s contract requires she gets paid the most with $75k while Heidi and Spencer make $65k each

THE POINT WHERE AL COULD NOT STOP TALKING aka DIARRHEA OF THE MOUTH

You’d think that Al would know better than to tick Kellie off – especially at the end of the show – but I guess better at the end of the show rather than the beginning – anyway, Kidd discovered some stupid invention called the Butt Bra – and decided that it would be a great idea if everyone on the show ordered one and then took pictures for the website – yeah, it’s times like these where I’m REALLY, REALLY , REALLY glad that I’m not on the show – anyway, Al (clearly not using his filter) decided to tell Kellie that she could most benefit from the Butt Bra because although her butt is flat, it also has a lot of mass – gee, and you wonder why he’s still single – Kidd, thought this was the perfect time to play the drop of Al saying “Big fat white butt” – over and over and over again – and while Kidd was making it worse, Al tried to clean it up – but clearly he missed the mark because his way of cleaning it up was telling Kellie, “your butt has girth” – hmm.  You know what I think would be a really great idea – if we just played the “not good” clip every time Al opens his mouth – every.single.time


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2 Comments »

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  1. Dianthe,

    My mommy didn’t lock the door when I left :p
    She looooooooves me… who wouldn’t love me? Cause I know you LOVE ME!

    BTW, check out the parody song I wrote for Big Al’s awkwardness with Bartendica…

    it’s on http://www.kiddnation.com/profile/ross

    holla!
    Ross

  2. My daughter is 4 was supposed to start Pre-k today. But it didn’t happen. My husband was soooo not ready to let her go. She is such a daddy’s girl. He loves her so much and just doesn’t want her to go yet. My step-daughter started Kinder yesterday. We called her to see how it went. she said “REALLY REALLY GOOD!” We couldnt be there we are stationed in South Carolina and she lives is San Antonio Texas. Just listening to these poems and parents feelings on taking their kids to school…I think next year I will be a MESS! OH DIANTHE Enjoy these precious moments with Sydney Jane. They go by sooo fast!


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