The morning shoe with a harp … and a yodeler

November 25, 2008 at 5:36 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment


BIG AL’S POINTLESS STORY OF THE DAY

Al had a chicken, a rooster and a duck growing up and he almost drowned the duck – can you drown a duck?

FUNNIEST CONVERSATION OF THE SHOW

Math is important – Kellie

Then why do you suck at it? – Kidd

Because I don’t care – Kellie

THINGS YOU MIGHT HEAR ON TODAY’S SHOW

Kellie shaved her legs for the first time in 2 weeks – the Happy Camper must be working

Big Al had a party last night and almost everyone showed up

J Si lost his cleats and $60 when Kinsey cleaned out his bag

Shanon is in a panic about Christmas

Sexy Jack wants to know if American’s use Bread Sauce? No Jack – we’re not interested in your British creamy sauce

BLACK NIGHT AT BIG AL’S HOUSE

Yesterday, Big Al’s mom called him to tell him that a friend of hers had passed away – I guess that made Al a little nostalgic because he called up The Super Homeboys aka his childhood friends and invited them over to hang out for a few hot wings and guy bonding – too bad the party came to a complete stop when his iPod busted out with a little Lenka (whose music was used in the movie Juno) – if Al still had his black card, I’m sure one of the Super Homeboys would have demanded it immediately!

J SI’S GOT COMPANY

J Si and Kinsey have taken in borders for the next month because Kelly Jo (Kinsey’s sister) is traveling the country with her grandma – Mina and Mario are Mexican and they are friends of Kinsey’s – Kinsey invited them to live with her and J Si while they look for another place because she thought having a another couple around would make her and J Si do more couple things – but they aren’t couple-y at all – they’re more like J Si – so instead of hanging out and going on double dates, they’re sitting around the house and playing Wii – according to J Si, everything is going well but it sounds like Kinsey may be left out in the cold – J Si and his new roomies have been speaking Spanish all the time and since Kinsey can’t really speak Spanish – and I guess Kidd thought this was hilarious because he suggested they throw a big Mexican themed party and not tell Kinsey – that is until she randomly gets home from work and sees the mariachis and the piñata – yeah, I’m sure that’ll go over well – I think I hear Beyonce’s “if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it” in the background – and I think it’s starting to get louder …

HIZZLE

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt eloped

Miley Cyrus is making big money by performing at a private corporate event

Michael Vick may get out of prison early

Britney’s dad is running her life and she’s not happy about it

IS TODAY THE DAY I’LL BE FIRED?

Despite the fact that people are almost never fired from the Kidd Kraddick show, Kellie, Al, Shanon (and every once in a while, Mr. “I’m great at everything” J Si) live in constant fear of being fired – considering Al has the highest incident rate of failure, you’d think he’s be a little more concerned – or at least have a backup plan – but no – his “Kidd Just Fired Me” plan is pretty much to head straight to the airport and hop on a plane to Playa – sounds like bad looking out to me, but whateve – Kidd seemed to be very amused by the whole segment – articulately the part where kellie said that in all her time here, no one has ever approached her about leaving the show – but knowing Kidd like you do – you know he had some comforting words for Kellie – “Kellie I don’t think you have anything to worry about – As long as you’re not grotesquely overpaid compared to other people in your field …” – whil Kellie gulped, I breathed a sigh of relief – whew.  I’ll be here forever!!!

UOS aka KELLIE’S UNSOLICITED OBVIOUS SOLUTION

Shanon’s dog, Oprah, is acting out because she’s mad at Shanon for leaving her at home for 4 days while she went on the Kidd’s Kids trip – she’s been tearing up the furniture and the other day, she looked straight at Shanon and then proceeded to pee on the floor – Kellie offered up the suggestion of taking Oprah out more and playing with her – but since that was the obvious suggestion, Shanon’s already done it – any other brilliant ideas Kellie?

TIN CAN TURKEY MAN

aka – the bit that got Al banned from a major university college library – this is one of my favorite bits ever – okay, maybe it was just because of the theme song – but it was still hilarious – Big Al thought it would be a great idea if he tied

10 tin cans to each of his legs and try to get all of the turkey cookbooks to be removed from the library – the big famous university library – to truly appreciate this, you have to listen to it on the kPod – especially so you can hear the theme song – but the funniest part is at the very end when security gets involved – the conversation went something like this

“What is your name?” – Security

“Tin Can …” (insert Kidd yelling at Al) – Big Al

“ok, my name’s Kidd Kraddick” – Big Al

CLASSIC!!!

DRUNKITY DRUNK DRUNK

The other night, J Si was taking the dogs out around 11:30pm when he thought he saw someone breaking into a car – when he got closer, he realized it was a girl and since she didn’t look like she was a threat J Si went to investigate – he asked her if she locked herself out of her car and then realized she was completely Drunkity Drunk Drunk – J Si assumed that she had locked her keys in her car, so he offered to walk her to her apartment – “so, what floor are you on?” J Si asked  -and she’s all “um, okay – um, um, okay” – so J Si walks her around the entire complex trying to find her apartment but she’s too drunk to find her house – then J Si’s neighbor Coolie comes out and realizes that he knows this chick because she was just trying to get into Coolie’s buddy’s car – he was coming to check on her but now she’s in the apartment complex thanks to J Si – so they are trying to talk to her and ask her where she lives, but in the mean time,  Drunkity Drunk Drunk starts doing snow angels – except there’s no snow – just the bare floor – then she sees J Si’s dog Delilah and proceeds to kiss her all in the mouth – and you know Delilah is all over that – so they’re trying to figure out where this girl lives – she doesn’t have a driver’s license, only a passport – but that has a Tennessee address – so at this point, it’s getting late and J Si needs to get ready for bed so they’re just going to call the police – they head to the phone at Coolie’s house and then hear comes Drunkity Drunk Drunk trying to pull her pants off because her butt hurts – so Coolie decides to call one of those car services instead of the cops because surely she’s gonna get a ticket for public drunkenness – so Drunkity Drunk Drunk heads to the bathroom while the boys are using the phone – all of a sudden, they hear the water running – when J Si and Coolie go to check out what’s happening, there’s Drunkity Drunk Drunk in all of her naked glory bending over the tub and playing with the water – so they tell her to get dressed and wait for her to come out – but after a few minutes, there’s nothing – so they go back to the bathroom only to find Drunkity Drunk Drunk in the tub splashing in the water and petting the faucet – okay … so Coolie gets mad at this point and Drunkity Drunk Drunk’s starting to get attitude too – J Si decides this would be a good time to run upstairs to put the dogs away and when he gets back, Coolie is curled up in a ball on the couch with Drunkity Drunk Drunk petting him on his face – at this point, Drunkity Drunk Drunk is wearing a bathrobe and gets mad because J Si and Coolie aren’t paying her enough attention – so she takes off her robe and starts to rant at them for not looking at her – then she starts to go on about wanting to go to sleep – they tried to get her dressed but that wasn’t happening either so Coolie decides to put her to bed in the guest room and J Si asks her if it’s okay if he calls one of her friends – this girl is one of the only people in the world who only has about 20 numbers in her phone – and as J Si goes through her phone – who’s number does he come across first?  None other than Big Al Mack – surprised?  Of course not!!

NEW MUSIC TUESDAY

Chinese Democracy – Guns N Roses
Day & Age – The Killers
Theater of the Mind – Ludacris
Prospekt’s March – Coldplay
808’s And Heartbreak – Kanye West
The Final Riot – Paramore
The Greatest Remixes – Good

KANYE’S NEW ALBUM

Okay – we listened to samples from the whole album – and pretty much the whole album is done in autotune – t’s not a lot of rap – mostly Kanye singing in autotune – I thought it was a good album but it’s very different from Kanye’s previous stuff – we pretty much waited all morning for Kanye to call, but we got stood up – so maybe we’ll find out what happened tomorrow – in the meantime, here’s what Kidd thought about the album – “Somber despondent random album” – but he said that he like it – um, okay …

SHOWBIZ TOP 5

#5 – Robert Pattinson had to fix his teeth for the movie Twilight

#4 – Alex Rodriguez is abandoning his kids on Thanksgiving to be with Madonna – at least that’s what his ex-wife says

#3 – Miley Cyrus got a home recording studio for her 16th birthday instead of a car

#2 – Paris Hilton was booed at Christian Audigier’s daughter’s birthday party

#1 – Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt eloped in Cabo San Lucas

THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT BARACK OBAMA

Kidd thought it would be fun to give us Barack Obama facts and see if we could identify the fake ones …

His favorite meal is shrimp linguini

He won a Grammy in 2006

He’s only the 6th president since WWII to be left handed

He once drove a Harley from Miami to Seattle

He has read every Harry Potter book

He speaks fluent Spanish

His favorite drink is Big Red

He can bench press 400 pounds

He took Michelle to see the Spike Lee movie, Do the Right Thing on their first date

He sang Brick House with the Commodores on Michelle’s 30th birthday

He gets his hair cut in Chicago by Zariff and pays $21

His favorite TV show is The Wire

He buys all his suits at The Men’s Wearhouse

He drives a Ford Escape Hybrid

AND THE FAKE ONES

He once drove a Harley from Miami to Seattle

His favorite drink is Big Red

He sang Brick House with the Commodores on Michelle’s 30th birthday

He buys all his suits at The Men’s Wearhouse

He drives a Ford Escape Hybrid

UNBEKNOWNST TO ME

Caroline is coming home from school today for Thanksgiving break and Kidd is going to pick her up (because she’s riding with a friend and meeting half way – so that means Kidd is going to miss out on the Usher interview – so who are we sending in his place?   The best interviewer in the office – Big Al Mack – all I have to say is I can’t wait until tomorrow

ITUNES TOP 5

5.  If I Were a Boy – Beyonce
4.  Love Lockdown – Kanye West
3.  You Found Me – The Fray
2.  Just Dance – Lady GaGa & Colby O’Donis
1.  Single Ladies – Beyonce

YOU BEAT US DOWN WITH CAROLINE FOR YEARS – JUST LET ME TELL MY ONE STORY

I know Kidd gets bored with Emma Kelly stories – and I understand because Caroline’s all grown up now – but some of us wanted to hear how Emma Kelly’s 2 year pediatrician appointment went – the doctor is estimating her full height at 5’9 ½” which is the same height as Kellie – the pedi also said that Emma Kelly is “highly verbally advanced” – and obviously that is true as proven by her new favorite phrase – no, not “DIE, DIE, DIE” – Emma Kelly has moved on to “oh crap” – oh, she can say thank you also – and she’s pretty dang cute when she says it – but “oh crap” is so much more fun because it elicits a much better response from people – note to self:  clean up potty mouth before Sydney can say more than “mama” and “agua”!

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  1. yes u can drown a duck…my husband can attest to this seeing as he drown his 3 pet ducks in the bathtub as a child. Unintentionally of course!


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