Why is Santa in a pool of his own vomit Mommy?

December 8, 2008 at 7:41 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment


FUNNIEST CONVERSATION OF THE SHOW

“Kellie, which bowl game are you most excited about” – Kidd

“Uhhh … the Superbowl!!” – Kellie

FUNNIEST BIT OF THE SHOW

The recreation of Big Al the Effeminate Elf and Flynn “a big Fan of the Show” – TOTALLY kPod worthy

“SAVE THAT “OF THE DAY

“If you know me, you know I hate wearing pants” – Kidd

THINGS YOU MIGHT HEAR ON TODAY’S SHOW

Kellie has a cold, Emma Kelly has a fever and the nanny has a hangover

Big Al says it’s hard to look cool wearing an elf costume

J Si’s dog was the only one that pooped on the floor – out of 40 dogs

Shanon is still harboring t-shirt envy

Sexy Jack had his first enchilada

Kidd and J Si are fighting over who is responsible for ruining Kellie’s life

HIZZLE

O.J. has been sentenced to 15 years in prison

Jessica Simpson is shacking up with Tony Romo

Shia LeBeouf had to back out of a movie because of the injury to his hand

There could be a Gossip Girl spin off

HIGHLIGHT

When we left off, (3 Appletini) Kellie was on the phone with her BFF Heaven telling her how she was about to get a little something-something started with Dr. Ivan … we pick up today with Kellie debating on whether it would be appropriate for Dr. Ivan to perform her plastic surgery – after all, isn’t there some type of Hippocratic Oath thing that says you can’t perform surgery on someone that you know “intimately” – and despite the fact that Kellie shared (or overshared) “Dates Gone Horribly Wrong” “stories with Dr. Ivan, he wanted to take her home (or back to his hotel)  anyway –  after having time to think about the “private sharing” that Kellie had done with Dr. Ivan, she asked him if Dr. Booty would need to reclaim his original plastic surgery duties (I said doodies) – Dr. Ivan seemed to think that it would be okay if he and Dr. Booty shared duties (I said doodies again) in a “Ivan up top, Booty down low” kind of thing which of course sent Kellie into an even more obsessive state than she already was – as if that moment with Dr. Booty and what Kellie calls the “vial of the unknown substance that makes you shake all over”wasn’t enough – then there was that 3;30am text message from Dr. Booty saying “Can we talk about last night?” – DUHN DUHN DUHN …

I have to say – I’m enjoying this book more and more every day – especially when Kellie fussed at Kidd saying, “You are trying to make this so awkward for me” – NOOOOO – ya’ think??  And despite Kellie’s plea about her plastic surgeon, “I’m praying that he doesn’t listen, and that his office doesn’t listen and his wife doesn’t listen – and his children that are still in school that have to go to school every day and may be thinking that their father is doing something scurrilous, aren’t listening …”, I cannot wait until tomorrow!

IT’S BEGINNING TO LOOK LIKE A CRAIGSLIST CHRISTMAS

  • There’s less than 3 weeks left until Christmas, so if you need a creative gift, this may be the place for you!
  • 3 tubes of dandruff cream that have never been used – he’s like to sell it to three different people – but not if you’re going to resell it
  • A free 32 inch TV purchased in Japan sound – it’s free because the sound only kind of works and the picture doesn’t work at all – but it’s free to a good home
  • Pine needles and pine cones – but only the ones in the front yard because there really aren’t any in the backyard – so don’t go back there – and if you want the pine needles, be sure to bring your own rake because he won’t be letting you use his – you can also take them from off the roof but you’ll need to bring your own ladder – and if you’re gonna sell them … well, then that’s okay
  • Free horse manure to be used for your compost – you can take all you want – they have more coming every day
  • For one stop shopping, check out the guy who has a little bit of everything – a fancy schmancy Star Wars beer stein, 2 hard back beer books – Beers of the World and Beer for Pete’s Sake, a mini electric food chopper, a big bag of men’s neckties and red chili pepper shaped salt and pepper shakers
  • A free hot tub – it’s leaky and drains itself – he’s not sure where the leak is coming from – but you can use it to water your lawn, deck, yard or garage – it’s a Coleman 411 5 person tub and comes with a cover, pumps and heater
  • 3 gallons of used canola oil – it was used for cooking French fries and while it’s pretty clear, it does have some sediment from the fries – he’s been saving it since the summer but he’s not planning no saving it anymore
  • A 1996 Ford Taurus – he’s selling his sister’s car for $550 because she’s in jail and clearly doesn’t need it anymore – fyi, the back part of the car got burned up in a drug deal gone wrong
  • A shoebox full of greeting cards – birthday, anniversary and get well cards – he’ll white out all the personal parts so that they’ll be good as new
  • This guy’s Girls Gone Wild videos are for sale for $5-10 each because he’s getting married and wants to sell them before his fiancée throws them away
  • A free boyfriend – she wants you to take him to Houston … or anywhere far away – she’ll even put him in some nice clothes and get his haircut

*** WE INTERRUPT THIS EPISODE OF CRAIGSLIST CHRISTMAS FOR THIS IMPORTANT COMMERCIAL BREAK***

Kidd Kraddick in the Morning is anxious to respond to the Craig’s List ad for the man who is renting out his prosthetic limb as advertising space – he lost his leg in a motorcycle accident about 3 years ago and is looking to rent out the space on his leg – he hates to wear pants and people are already staring, so why not put that leg to good use

“I SHOULDN’T BE HERE”

What should have been a stellar party night for Kellie turned into – well, you can decide what to call it… Auntie Crazy aka Haven came to spend the night with Emma Kelly because Kellie was told she would need a babysitter from 7pm to 3am – so, in order to avoid the whole “I have to get home to relieve the sitter”, Kellie planned accordingly – but looking back, maybe using the sitter excuse wouldn’t have been such a bad idea – the plan was for Kellie to hang out with J Si and his buddy Paul serving as wingmen – and somewhere along the way, Kidd was added to the mix – the original thought was for everyone to meet at Paul’s so that they could have dinner “catered in” – that sounds good, right?  Except Paul’s idea of catering is 5 boxes of pizza from Pizza Hut – now , there’s nothing wrong with Pizza Hut but it wasn’t exactly what Kellie had in mind when she heard “catered in” – but whatev – by the time Kidd got there, the scene included Paul’s friend Reggie and his buddy, Paul’s “friend”, the hot Dallas Maverick Dancer (who was less than good for Kellie’s fragile emotional state), J Si, Paul and Kellie nursing a vodka tonic – I’m pretty sure the guys could sense Kellie’s less than enthusiastic attitude so they headed to the club – and maybe that was part of the problem – because some people are club people and some people are bar people – and well, Kellie – not so much for the club – now keep in mind that Kellie was already feeling a little bit under the weather and had to talk herself into going because she would have much rather stayed at home – and even though she sucked it up, 20 minutes into being at the club – Kellie’d had enough – it didn’t matter that Kidd had spent $58 on the first round of drinks or the fact that the boys were working hard to get her into 5 drink Kellie mode – it just wasn’t happening – but instead of being Debbie Downer and bringing everyone else down, Kellie thought she’d use the “I have to run to the bathroom” excuse and then run for the door – and her plan would have worked if it hadn’t been for Kidd trying to be all gentleman-like and escorting her to the bathroom – then here comes J Si and Kellie now has her own personal entourage – so of course at this point, Kellie has to do what she was trying to avoid and explain that she is completely over it – in the midst of her “I shouldn’t be here” speech, tears start to well up in her eyes and of course Kidd “Mr. I’m Uncomfortable With Female Tears” Kraddick stands there not knowing what to do while Kellie heads into the bathroom – 20 minutes later, Kidd and J Si (probably looking like oogey men standing outside the women’s bathroom) realize that something is up and send a girl in to check on Kellie – well of course she had to be a listener – she runs in to check on Kellie and reports back with “yeah she’s in there – she’s bawling her head off” – very nice.  So Kellie emerges with a tear stained face and the guys walk her to the valet line – Kellie takes off as quickly as she can – Kidd and J Si go back in the club but Kidd makes his escape soon after – and all of a sudden, J Si looks around and everyone is gone – even Paul – so what should have been a night of 5 drink Kellie flirting shamelessly with hot boys turned into J Si standing around in the club with Reggie – good times.

KINSEY!!!

Kinsey was invited to party with Kellie and the boys but decided to go to a friend’s Christmas party instead – but that didn’t stop her from calling in with advice for Kellie on how to catch a man – because who would know how to catch a man better than Kinsey?  And if J Si doesn’t hurry up and ask that girl to marry him, Kinsey’s going to be taking her own advice – oops – was that in my outside of my head typing voice?  Sorry.

So first Kellie is supposed to start out with some personalized girly stationery – then she has to make sure that she has either a pink or lavender pen – then she needs to write down the following rules for future reference:

1.       Wear something that shows off your star body part – if you’re Kinsey, that would be your booty, legs, chest, shoulders, chest and feet

2.       Do a couple of shots – like maybe 5

3.       Go to a super crowded club

4.       Pick a dude who is hot and has a lot of muscles and also has a car and a job – then go up behind him and whisper in his ear “you’re hot!!”

5.       Next, lose yourself in the crowd after you tell him he’s hot and go to the opposite end of the bar and wait for him to find you – when he finally finds you, leave with his best friend

And now you’ve got yourself a man!

COLBIE CAILLAT LIVE IN STUDIO

You can go ahead and add Colbie to the list of extremely laid back interviews on KKITM – to the point where I almost had to pinch myself to stay awake

Colbie is on her first solo tour and just got off tour with John Mayer

You’ll never find her posing for Maxim

Colbie’s dad is Ken Caillat who produced for Fleetwood Mac

The “I heard my song on the radio while working in a tanning salon and quit immediately” story is completely false, along with most of the other facts on her Wikipedia page

Colbie knows all the words to “Notorious Thugs” by Notorious B.I.G.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL

Blah-blah-blah … any questions?

SHOWBIZ TOP 5

#5 – The Pussycat Dolls are opening for Britney Spears

#4 – Andrew Wilson (the not famous Wilson brother) knocked out a paparazzi and broke his arm when he got too close to Owen

#3 – Shia LeBeouf had to pull out of a movie because of his injured hand

#2 – Blake Incarcerated is asking Amy Winehouse’s manager for $1.6 million to walk away from Amy

#1 – The Jonas Brothers are NOT breaking up

NATIONAL DRESS UP LIKE SANTA AND GO OUT AND DRINK DAY

Apparently in party people world, Friday was the day that all party people have designated to dress up like Santa and participate in drunken debauchery – why the party people feel the need to desecrate Santa, I have no idea – but I’m just going to take Al’s word for it – now Big Al, already having an elf costume on hand for another bit, decided to head to “National Dress Up Like Santa And Go Out And Drink Day” dressed as an elf rather than Santa – this will become important later – because elves don’t typically have pockets, Al put his keys and his wallet in his buddy’s glove compartment and then handed off his Blackberry to some girl – and of course in typical Big Al fashion, after several alcohol treats Al lost his friends – so there Al is in his Effeminate Elf costume with no phone, no money and no keys to his car – but that’s okay, because one of Al’s friend had a hotel room nearby and told Al he could crash there for the night – I’m guessing that Big Al was more like Big Drunk Al because he took his friend up on the plan and managed to crash through the night even after his friend showed up in the middle of the night with a girl who immediately asked, “Why is there a black guy dressed up like an elf in your bed?” – just another typical night out with Big Al *** shakes head*** – anyway, al woke up the next morning with things no different than the fact that Al was no longer drunk – still no phone, no money and no keys to his car and still dressed like the Effeminate Elf – but Al’s buddy took pity on him and gave him $40 to take a cab home in the hopes that his neighbor was awake (at 7:30am on a Saturday) so that Al could get the spare key – but no such luck – instead, all walked the perimeter of his house (Dressed like the Effeminate Elf) checking the windows on the off chance one was still open – finally he remembered that he had a spare key hidden from a few months ago and was able to get into the house – but he still had no car keys, money or phone – well, he had his house phone, but he couldn’t remember anyone’s number and the few numbers he could remember wouldn’t answer because no one recognized his home phone number – with things starting to look bleak -Al decided to change clothes – which is when Flynn’s (some girl he’d met the night before) phone number fell out of his Effeminate Elfin tights – “hi, this is Big Al, I met you last night – I was dressed like an elf …” – Flynn took pity on poor Al and not only came to his rescue, but spent the rest of the day with Al and even did a bit with him – so why is it that Al asked some random chick he met at a bar (while watching college football) to be his date to the office Christmas party

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